Dirty Girls: Ramsay still needs to die.
Candi: I just realized I can play a whole game of candy crush while the intro is on.
This week opens at the Wall with snow flying. Jon frees Tormund Giantsbane so they can go off on their mission to recruit wildlings to fight with them against the white walkers. Jon temporarily passes off the reins of the Night’s Watch to his First Ranger, Alliser Thorne. Thorne advises Jon that he’s going on a fool’s errand. Jon thanks him for his honesty. The mood is somber as he bids Sam farewell. They embrace and Sam gives Jon dragon glass in case they run into any white walkers. I think they are both wondering if they will ever see each other again.
Paula: It’s snowing! Wheeeeee!
Candi: Omg. Is winter here?!?!?! It’s snowing!!! When I look at Jon Snow now, all I see is how he gyrated those hips. And of him trying to wink.
We see the kind and gentle Maester Aemon Targaryen on his sick bed. Gilly has brought baby Sam for a visit, and Aemon calls him Egg after his little brother, Aegon Targaryen, the Mad King aka the Khaleesi’s father. Aemon warns Gilly to get the baby south before it’s too late.
Tarah: That baby is so cute. Oh noes. Is that old man dying?? I like him.
Candi: Where’d this baby come from. Did I miss a birth?!?! And who is this old guy?
Over at Winterfell, Theon unlocks a door and walks in to see Sansa lying in bed weeping with bruises all over her arms. Jesus. It looks like Ramsay hasn’t changed his abusive ways since their wedding night. That fucker. Theon closes the windows as the snow is coming inside. Sansa jumps out of bed and begs Theon for help. He tells her not to call him Theon, he’s Reek now. He laments that he can’t do anything to help her and that Sansa needs to do what Ramsay says or he’ll hurt her. She lets him know that Ramsay keeps her locked up all day and hurts her all night. Theon warns it can always be worse. Sansa clutches at Theon and orders him to help her because he owes her since he betrayed her family. They are both crying. She tells him she still has friends in the North and snags a candle and instructs him to put it in the window of the watchtower. He keeps saying he is Reek. She grabs his face and tells him he is Theon Greyjoy and cites all of his titles from the Iron Island. Theon looks determined. Oh! Maybe just maybe he’ll help her!
Tarah: Oh, Sansa… Poor Theon. They both need to get away. Please let the candle work…
Paula: How in the world is anyone going to see that tiny candle from way up there?
Candi: It’s snowing in her bedroom. Why is she being held prisoner??
Theon sets off marching across Winterfell in the snow. I’m still hopeful! He’s going to help Sansa! We see him walking up dark winding stairs, and he opens the door … and there sits Ramsay enjoying a meal. Fucking Theon!
Tarah: Oh shit. Nooooo, Theon! Gah. Can anything be happy in this show tonight?
Meanwhile, Brienne is outside of Winterfell watching the tower and waiting for the signal. Help is so close!
Back at the Wall, Gilly and Sam watch over Maester Aemon. Gilly tells Sam to get some sleep because he’ll need to speak for Aemon tomorrow. Aemon tosses and turns a bit and declares, “Egg! I dreamed that I was old.” And then he dies. How sad. I really liked his character. They show his funeral pyre and Sam gives a moving eulogy. He announces that Aemon was the blood of the dragon but now his fire has gone out. Alliser Thorne warns Sam that he’s losing all his friends. Remember, Alliser doesn’t like Sam because way back in season 1, Jon defended and protected Sam when he first joined the Night’s Watch and Alliser thought he was a worthless weakling. He’s probably resentful of Sam’s little rise to power within the ranks.
Tarah: Aw. How did I forget he was a Targaryen?? Huh. Ok… not to be morbid and gross, but. Wouldn’t a burning body smell horrid? >_<
Candi: Ohhh I know that old guy!!! He’s with the John Snow crew!! OMG. Is that him in the wall?!?!! They put people in a wall when they die? This is all sorts of creepy. Ohhh they are cremating him. I get it now.
Over at Winterfell, Sansa is brought outside to Ramsay. He calls her his beautiful wife and gives her a gentle kiss on the cheek. Creep! He tells her that he half expected a fat bearded beast when he found out he had to marry her. He was pleasantly surprised at her beauty and she makes him very happy. He talks about Stannis riding on Winterfell and how war is at hand, but the flying snow is a stroke of luck because the sell swords in Stannis’ army can’t handle the harsh conditions. While he carries on, we see Sansa furtively grab something to be used as a future weapon. He dreams of defeating Stannis and being named Warden of the North. Sansa shows she’s still got teeth as she asks him about his stepmother’s pregnancy. She baits him about Roose Bolton having a boy because the boy will be a true born son and everyone knows true born sons always have more of a right than bastards. Ramsay takes offense to this and claims he was made a Bolton by King Tommen himself and she snarks, another bastard? Burn! Ramsay goes on to tell her that nowadays bastards like her half-brother Jon Snow can rise high. He tells her Jon is Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch. Sansa looks surprised by this. I’m sure she’s wondering how she could get word to Jon to help her.
Tarah: Kill him, Sansa. Dooooooo it.
Candi: Why don’t she just throw this fucker over the ledge? Gone. Dead. Problem solved. Wait. Was she with Jon Snow too?! And the little dude?!?
Ramsay ends the stroll and brings her to stand in front of a flayed woman hanging from a post. It’s the older woman who told Sansa to light the candle! She’s completely flayed and Ramsay says she was a tough old bird. Her heart gave out before he got to her face. What a prick! He announces that Reek spilled the beans about her little plan for help. Fucking Theon! Look Theon, where I come from snitches get stitches. Ramsay gives Sansa another creepy light kiss on the cheek and tells her to hold tight to her candles because the nights are so long now. *shudders*
Tarah: Jesus fuck. *throws up* That poor woman. He seriously needs to die.
Paula: Omg he skinned her. This show is so gross.
Candi: JESUS FUCK!! These faces!! What happened to a good old box!?!! I’m sure they have these to bury people in!! They can use the shit box from the little dude! Seriously. This is disturbing. This guy is 50 shades of FUCT in the head. OFF WITH HIS HEAD!!!
Somewhere in the north there are sick men and blizzard conditions. Davos is surveying the scene and relays the hopeless message to Stannis. Davos tells him 40 horses have died, they are running out of food, 500 Stormcrows rode off into the night. Basically, shit is dire. Davos advises they should retreat back to Castle Black. Stannis refuses to retreat because winter lasts for years and they will march to victory or march to defeat but either way they will go forward. Davos leaves and Stannis consults with Melisandre as they discuss her visions. Stannis looks like he wants to get frisky but she cuts him off. Stannis asks what they are supposed to do because they don’t have his brother’s bastard to get a king’s blood. The red woman tells him they have someone better and his own blood runs through her veins. Holy shit! She wants to sacrifice Princess Shireen! Stannis asks if there is another way, with the leeches or something, and Melisandre tells him it must be done. She tells him it’s his destiny and he’s the only one that can lead the living against the dead. Stannis refuses! He snaps out that Shireen is his daughter and orders her to get out. Huh. What is he going to do? They better not sacrifice sweet Shireen!
Tarah: She did NOT just suggest killing his daughter. I swear if he even considers it! I will go mad.
Paula: YEARS!? Their winter lasts years? I become more and more attracted to Stannis each time he’s on. Is it his phone sex voice? I bet he gives good phone sex.
Candi: WINTER IS COMING- 536 times this has been said this season. Ok. Not even going to try with scene. I have no idea who these people are or what is even going on. Wait. Isn’t she the one who tried throwing herself at Jon Snow?! And now apparently this guy. I AM THE WHORE!!! Not you!! Well, dead whore. But still. And HAHAHAHA she got dissed again!!
Too bad I’m dead. I could show the Red Woman a thing or two about seducing men.
At the Wall, Gilly is cleaning in the kitchen. Two Night’s Watch brothers come in and start saying crude things. They attempt to assault her. Sam comes in and makes a valiant effort to save her but gets the shit kicked out of him yet he stands up again determined to protect her when Ghost appears and the men scatter like roaches. Fucking pigs! Thank the seven for Jon’s direwolf, Ghost! I wonder why he didn’t go off with Jon but maybe Jon left him behind so he could protect Sam and Gilly.
Tarah: SAM!!!! Fucking hell. Was that a direwolf? Where’d it go?
Candi: Oh damn!!! Holy fuck!!!! Oh SNAP!!! Was that a wolf?!?! It just appeared like that face guy!! I like this guy. He’s heroic.
Afterwards, Gilly is tending to Sam’s wounds and asks him to run away if that happens again. We know it will happen again. Gilly is in danger at the Wall. They better come up with a new plan. Oh! What’s going on here?! Gilly kisses him! What?! They have sex! Not the kind of GoT hot and heavy sex we like but a sweet pairing that makes me smile because these two seem to really love each other. The best part? Gilly asks Sam if she’s hurting him. Aww. She completely takes control and it’s a nice contrast to Sansa having no control in her current situation.
Tarah: Ummm… Is Sam about to get laid? Aw. That was… kind of cute.
Paula: Oh lord. Please don’t tell me this is the sex I’m going to get. Sam and Gilly are sweet and all but I’m not really interested in them.
Candi: Awww damn!! She’s gettin some!! Well. Hmmm. That was awkward. And a waste of a sex scene. Assholes. I love how everything is always by candlelight. It makes it so romantic looking.
Next up is the slave market. Jorah, Tyrion, and the other captured men are up for auction. They make a big splash about Jorah’s fighting prowess and he gets snagged up pretty quickly by an ambitious slaver. Tyrion doesn’t want to be separated from Jorah so he announces they are a package deal and claims he’s a great fighter too. The crowd laughs, but Tyrion yanks himself free from the guard holding him, knocks the guy down, and proceeds to pummel him with the chain. Damn! Tyrion just kicked his ass! And proved a point. Don’t judge a man by his size. The slaver relents and buys Tyrion too. Feeling good, Tyrion continues to press his luck and tries to talk sense to the slaver but the man slaps him to shut him up. Tyrion wisely keeps quiet. He knows when to go to battle.
Candi: Ahh. Poor little dude. HAHAHAHA little dude can kick some ass!!!
In Meereen, the Khaleesi and Daario are in bed. Oh goody! She’s going to keep her side piece. He starts questioning her about her future husband and she assures him that it’s a political marriage only. He’s jealous. He’s asks her to marry him instead. She regretfully tells him she can’t. She’s marrying Hizdahr to keep the peace with the Sons of the Harpy. He tells her she’s the only person in Meereen who isn’t free. That’s kind of heartbreaking when you put it like that, Daario. He advises that on the day of the big fighting pit reopening, Dany should gather up all the masters, sons of masters, and slaughter them all. She tells him she’s a queen not a butcher. He reminds her that all rulers are either butchers or meat. Will she take his advice?
Candi: Omfg. The guy I finally I want to see in action!!!!!!! In the bedroom, of course. I’m so happy!!!! Marry him!!!! Say yes!!! Stupid stupid dragon lady!!! *No offense Angus*
Over in the capitol, Lady Olenna seeks out the High Sparrow or High Septon or whatever bloody fool name he’s going by these days. Ha. HA! They banter back and forth about who should be kneeling to whom. Lady Olenna basically asks him what his price is because everyone has a price. She tells him King’s Landing is filled with sinners and murders and rapists, and why is he picking on her grandkids. They’ve hardly committed the worst of the sins. He claims he’s a man of the people. She snarks that he’s only doing Cersei’s dirty work. He claims he’s out to punish anyone who breaks the sacred laws. She threatens that he’ll cause the people to starve if she withholds her crops from the capitol. He preaches on about how she just doesn’t get it. She is the few and he is the many. I suppose he’s threatening her that his people will just take the crops from her? As she leaves the sept, a man delivers a note from Littlefinger.
Candi: I like this old lady. Not sure who she is. But she’s got spunk.
Paula: Why is the star in their temple like a pentagram? Isn’t that the devil’s sign?
At the palace, King Tommen isn’t eating because he’s so distressed. He’s yelling about not being able to help his love, and he will start a goddamn war if he has to! He will kill every last religious fanatic to free Margaery. Cersei advises him that Margaery will be the first casualty if he goes to war with the Faith Militant. She tells him to be strong as she has been strong when her loved ones were taken from her. She assures him she will help he and Margaery. She will convince the High Sparrow to free his wife because she only wants his happiness. AS IF!
Tarah: Cersei’s eyebrow is like a character of its own.
Candi: Talk about mommy dearest. She gives the best bitch look. *no offense Kayti* This poor little boy is being played by mommy dearest.
Over in Dorne, Jaime looks to be treated fairly as he’s hanging out in a room waiting for Myrcella. Guards bring her to him to assure Jaime that she is fine. Myrcella tells him he looks different from when she saw him last because at that time he had more … hair. Jaime says he had more hands too. Ha! He tells her she isn’t safe in Dorne and that her mother wants her to return home. Myrcella rants that Dorne has been her home for years, she didn’t want to leave King’s Landing but she followed her mother’s wishes and now she’s in love with Trystane and refuses to leave him. Jaime advises it’s for her own good but she retorts that he doesn’t know her. And the sad thing is that it’s true. Jaime doesn’t know his daughter at all. I must say I’m a tad disappointed that the wardrobe people didn’t listen to me. I need my Jaime back in his leather outfit, but he looks good in Lannister gold too.
Unlike Jaime, Bronn is in a jail cell. He’s locked up across from the Sand Snakes. He’s singing that Dornish tune about the most beautiful women in the world. The sisters are rolling their eyes except for Tyene. She asks him how his arm is feeling. He tells her it’s fine. Tyene walks over so she’s standing directly across Bronn and asks him to name a woman more beautiful than her. She starts a slow strip tease of sorts and reveals a breast here, a leg here, and all the while she’s asking him if she’s beautiful, and how his arm is feeling. Oh! Now we got a full frontal view and goddamn, she has a rockin’ bod. Bronn starts to stutter his words. She asks how his head is feeling. Bronn starts to get pretty sweaty and slumps down the wall. It turns out her dagger was covered with a poison called the long farewell! Oh shit! Bronn can’t die! She reveals that she has the only antidote and offers it to him but he must tell her she’s the most beautiful woman in the world. He concedes and gobbles up the antidote. Phew! She tells him she thinks he’s very handsome as well. Well played, Tyene. Well played.
Tarah: The Sand Snake Sisters are bad ass.
Candi: Ohh this guy in prison. I need to find out more about him!! He’s sexy!! I see boobies!! Well what the hell was that!!
You liked my sister’s body? You ain’t seen nothing yet.
Meanwhile, Littlefinger is in King’s Landing at his destroyed brothel. Granny Tyrell shows up and exchanges some barbs with him about his broken little flesh market. She’s pissed that he came running back to King’s Landing on Cersei’s request. Lady Olenna reminds him that their fates are joined because together they murdered a king. Littlefinger assures her that he has information to help her. He’ll offer her what he offered to Cersei, a handsome young man. Holy shit! It didn’t dawn on me until just now that Littlefinger prompted Oliver to speak out about Loras and Margaery at the inquest. Duh! Are you thinking of a certain handsome young man that knows all of Cersei’s dirty secrets? Eeep!
Tarah: A bloody former whore house. *gag*
Paula: I love grandma.
Candi: Is this guy that’s talking to the old lady the creepy uncle? I get him confused with the other guy.
Back in Meereen, the slaver is prepping Jorah and the other men for their upcoming practice fight. He tells them the victors will have the honor of fighting in front of the Queen on opening day. But guess what, you guys? Dany is actually there! She made a surprise appearance with Hizdahr! The slaver announces in the pit that they are fighting before the Queen and Jorah perks up. He rushes to the window and sees his beloved Khaleesi. Dany is watching the brutal slaughter and is highly disgusted. She tells Hizdahr she has seen enough and prepares to leave but he tells her she must stay until the victor is crowned. Also, side note. Only free men are supposed to be fighting but these men are all slaves. What the hell, Hizdahr? Jorah rushes out onto the field and starts killing all the men left and right. He even knocks the slaver out! Meanwhile, Tyrion is trying to escape his chains. I think he knows this is a now or never moment! Luckily, some big scary dude frees him and he runs out into the pit as Jorah reveals himself to Dany. She’s shocked to see Jorah and tells the guard to get him out of her sight. He begs her to wait because he’s brought her a gift, and Tyrion comes forward. The music in this scene is epic! Suspense worthy stuff! He introduces himself as the gift. Dany asks who he is and he announces he is Tyrion Lannister. Dun dun dun.
Tarah: EW. *closes eyes* The fighting pits are too much…
Paula: I cover my eyes through a third of this show. There’s soooo much blood!
Candi: Well. This tradition sucks ass. How does Dragon Lady know the little dude??
Cersei goes to see Queen Margaery in prison. I have to say prison is not a good look for the good queen. She’s dirty and is basically dressed in rags. Cersei brings her venison and comments that it’s quite tasty and she had it herself for supper last night. This cracked me up! She tells Margaery that she and Tommen are doing everything they can to free her and making every effort. Margaery knows she’s full of shit and calls her out on her lies. Margaery snarks that now she knows why her son was so eager to cast her aside. You know Cersei doesn’t like that threat so she tells Margaery that she’s heard of people going mad in the isolation. She says her son needs her now more than ever. Margaery throws the food at her and calls her a hateful bitch! Burn!
Tarah: You tell her, Margaery!
Paula: Oh no. She’s going to poison her with that venison isn’t she? I can’t watch.
Candi: Well, well, well, the Queen Bitch of the North or west or wherever she’s from, is not looking so smug and hot right now. Now is she? One word. Karma.
Cersei is still smirking as she goes into another room to see the High Sparrow. She tells him the accommodations are sufficient and asks what happens next. He advises there will be a trial before seven septons, that’s the way it was always done before the Targaryens stripped the Faith of their power. I know we’ve heard a lot about the Mad King and the crazy Targaryens but I think them stripping these religious fanatics of their power was their best move. The High Sparrow starts carrying on about history and how the simple chapel they are standing in was built by a man who didn’t inflict his name on the people, quite unlike Baylor and his monstrosity of a sept. He tells her that’s what happens when things are stripped down and lies are laid bare. Huh.
Cersei keeps her fake interested face firmly in place as he prattles on. He asks her what happens when they strip away her finery. Oh snap! He tells her there was a young man that came to them broken in body and spirt but little by little he unburdened himself and he had much to say about Cersei. *cue more suspenseful music* In walks Lancel! Oh shit. Just a refresher for you newbies, Lancel is Cersei’s cousin / former lover, and he helped her kill her husband, King Robert. Cersei doesn’t say a word at Lancel’s arrival. She just turns around to walk out the door but there are religious women (sorta like nuns) waiting to grab her. They take a hold of her and she orders them to let her go. She’s screaming she is the queen! Sound familiar? I think Margaery said that same thing when they took her into custody. The women throw her in a cell. She yells, “Look at my face! It’s the last thing you’ll see before you die.” Holy shit! Cersei is locked up! What is happening to the Lannisters?
Side note: My wife was squealing during this scene. I’ve never seen her so excited by a tv show!
Tarah: Oh shit. Karma is a bitch. Cersei in a dungeon. Holy fuck balls.
Paula: Uh oh! Kayti is going to freak out! Hope she has lots of wine! LOLOL
Candi: Ok. WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED!!! Why did they put her in jail!?!? I’m so confused!!!!
I’m having such fun locking up all these queens! All in a day’s work in honor of the Faith.
The credits roll.
Tarah: Oh, Snapple. Next Sunday. o.o
Biggest AS IF: Cersei promising Tommen that she would help Margaery. AS IF!
Best hair: Sadly not the Khaleesi because her bedhead looked like a really bad wig. I’m going to go with Cersei. Those crown braids are too epic.
Final thoughts: All of Cersei’s scheming has come home to roost. I can’t wait to see what happens next week! Also. Finally. Finally! Finally Jorah and Tyrion make it to the Khaleesi! *book spoiler alert* This still hasn’t happened in the books.
Kayti: Srsly Cersei
*All graphics used are in fun. They do not belong to us, but to the powers that be at HBO and Game of Thrones. No copyright infringement intended.