GoT Cover UPDATE

DOES A GIRL NEED HER EYES?

Are you ready for episode 3? Did you see the SNL skit last night? How funny!

Candi: Opening credits. I made a quiche. Plucked my eyebrows and ate a piece of coconut cake. I also renewed my cell phone contract. And I still have 2 minutes to spare.

The show opens with Jon Snow! Goddamn. His back rivals the David! Shall we take a moment to honor his back? Jon is breathing heavily, feeling his injuries and basically starting to freak out along with Davos who is standing there and watching. They are both wondering what the hell happened. Ghost is just quietly watching. Jon moves to jump off the table and stumbles as Davos catches him and wraps a cloak around him. Melisandre walks in looking completely awestruck that her miracle, witchy woman magic, actually worked. Davos wants to know what Jon remembers. Jon starts getting that panicked look again as he remembers being stabbed and Olly putting a knife in his heart. Awww Jon! Let me hug you. Davos explains that Lady Melisandre brought him back as she rushes over to Jon. She questions where he went and what did he see. I want to know too! Jon replies there was noting at all. Well hell. I wanted a white light story. She explains that the Lord of Light let him come back for a reason. Now she knows Stannis wasn’t what the Lord promised, but someone has to be and that could be Jon. Just a reminder, The Prince That Was Promised is prophesied to fight the coming darkness. Could that be the white walker army?

Candi: I hope Jon Snow don’t suffer from any permanent brain damage. He was dead for awhile. But god damn does he still look good!!

At this point, Davos kind of rolls his eyes a bit. He’s basically hated on the red woman and her religion since she converted Stannis way back in season 2. He politely asks her to give them a moment. Smart move, Davos as it’s probably a bit too soon for her to start trying to convert Jon. Davos is still reeling and tells him you were dead and now you are not. He knows it’s completely fucking mad and can’t imagine what it must be like for Jon. Poor Jon is still processing that his men stabbed him. That’s a betrayal that runs deep. He laments that he did what he thought was right and got murdered for it. Well no shit, Jon! This is the Game of Thrones, buddy. If you’re too nice and too honorable you’re not long for this world. Jon wants to know why he’s back, but Davos doesn’t know and thinks this means he’s gotta stay and fight and clean up as much shit as he can. Jon doesn’t know how to do that since he’s already failed. Davos gives him a little pep talk to go fail again.

Candi: **Side note. There better be sex in this episode. What happened to the good old days of orgies and threesomes? I’d even settle for sister/brother lovin!**

The next scene is daylight and Davos and Jon come out on the balcony while the wildlings and Night Watch men gather around. Jon wears his Lord Commander’s cloak. Tormund greets him and advises that the men all think he’s some kind of god returned from the dead. Jon assures him he’s not a god, and Tormund snarks he knows because he saw his pecker and it’s way too small to belong to a god. Ha! That almost gets a smile out of Jon and they bro’ hug. I like the friendship these two have developed. They started out as enemies but have grown to respect each other. Next Jon walks over to Edd, probably his oldest and dearest friend here since Sam went away. They share a tight embrace. Edd looks him over and assumes it really is Jon in there and not some white walker come back from the dead since his eyes are still brown. Jon assures him it’s him and tells him to hold off on burning his body for now. Edd laughs at his joke and wonders if it’s really him cause we all know Jon Snow is no Tyrion. Side note: The way the camera is following behind Jon and focusing on his Lord Commander’s cloak is making me think about Black Swan. It’s freaking me out!

Candi: Haha. It’s Jon Snow. And it’s snowing. Jon Snow IS A GOD!!! Omg. His pecker. I think that has to be the funniest thing this show has ever said. At least he still has a pecker unlike the little dude. Wait, does he still have his thingy??? Or am I thinking of someone else??

Paula: Ugh… I cringe every time they hug Jon so hard. He has those wounds! Makes my knees hurt.

Oh hi Gilly! She and Sam are in the middle of the sea on a rocky boat that looks like a nightmare for someone with seasickness. Poor Sam. You have to give it up for Gilly though; she seems to take everything in stride. She’s excitedly talking about going to Old Town and the Citadel but Sam breaks the news that she and the baby won’t be allowed at the Citadel since it’s men only. Bastards! She huffs that she wasn’t allowed at the Wall either but she was still there. He reminds her that there will be no friends like Jon or Maester Aemon to help them bend the rules. Instead, Sam plans to bring her to his family home in Hornhill so his mother and sister can care for them. Gilly wants to go with Sam because they belong together. She reminds him he’s the only one who has ever cared for her and he tells her he must become a maester to help Jon for the war that is coming and to protect she and baby Sam because the three of them are the only people he cares about. They share a moment, and she calls him the father of her son. How sweet! And how cute is that baby?

Candi: Omg. Barf. Gag. Puke. Literally. I’m getting seasick just by watching this scene.

Paula: I feel so mean, but Gilly’s voice grates on my last nerve. I would throw myself off the ship. And good lord ew to vomit. That might be worse than the killing.

Next up is the Tower of Joy! Holy shit, you guys! Bran is having a memory vision of his father as a young Ned Stark with Howland Reed (Meera’s father) and a few other men riding up to the Tower of Joy. Give me a moment to contain my excitement. This is big deal stuff for the book folks and for the rest of you too! This could be setting up a scene to unleash a long awaited secret. Eeeep! Ser Arthur Dayne is guarding the tower with another kingsguard dude. Here’s a little background: Ser Arthur Dayne aka Sword of the Morning was a member of the Kingsguard for Aerys Targaryen, the Mad King (father to Prince Rhaegar and Daenerys). The story goes that Prince Rhaegar kidnapped Lyanna Stark when she was betrothed to Robert Baratheon, who then started a war to get her back, and later became king and wed Cersei Lannister.

Candi: Lol. He’s waxing his sword.

Ned tells Arthur Dayne that he looked for them on the Trident (this is where a magnificent battle took place and Robert killed Prince Rhaegar and effectively won the rebellion to become king). The other guy makes a crack about the usurper (Robert) and Ned relays that their king is dead along with Prince Rhaegar. He wants to know why they weren’t there to protect their prince. Great question, Ned! What possibly could have kept two kingsguard members away from their duties? What assignment did Rhaegar give them that was so important that they weren’t there to help fight at the Trident? Ned asks after his sister Lyanna. Ser Arthur tells him, I wish you good fortune in the wars to come. Now it begins. Ned replies no, now it ends. A badass sword fight ensues. These two kings guard dudes are double swording it! Eeep this is gruesome! People are being gutted left and right. It looks like all that’s left is Ned and Dayne. Bran notices his father is losing, but he’s heard his whole life that Ned handily slays The Sword of the Morning. We’re both wondering what the hell is happening because Dayne knocks Ned’s sword out of his hand and it looks like he’s going to die but suddenly Howland Reed appears and stabs Dayne in the fucking back! Woah! Ned looks shocked but then he finishes him off. Ned hears a woman’s screams coming from the tower. Bran doesn’t know what’s in the tower. He’s asking the Three-Eyed Raven what it is. Ned rushes for the tower. Bran tries to follow and yells for his father, who turns around like he heard him but the Three-Eyed Raven wouldn’t allow it and brings him out of the vision.

Candi: Aaaaaaaaaand I’m confused. This is hardly a fair fight. They have protective gear on!!

Paula: Ah, there it is. I was wondering when someone was going to die.

 

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How does my hair look?

Now they are back in the cave with the old man sitting in his throne of tree roots. Bran wants to go back to the tower. He’s pissed that they had to leave. The old guy imparts some wisdom about the danger of staying in the past too long since it’s already written and the ink is dry. Bran is argumentative and lets him know he doesn’t want to be sitting in that cave with him forever. The old man says he’s been sitting there for 1000 years with the roots growing over him, and he’s been waiting for Bran all that time. He assures Bran that he won’t be in the cave forever but he must learn everything before he can leave. Damn, that’s some prophecy right there. I’m so curious as to how the show is going to handle this. It’s clear that Bran will be significant to the coming war but his visions of the past seem to be the only link we’ll have to find out some true histories of important things like certain people’s parentage. It’s also important that Bran is seeing that history doesn’t always happen as we are led to believe. What else could have been lied about? Maybe Rhaegar and Lyanna? What if he didn’t kidnap her but they were really in love? Sigh.

Paula: I just had the strangest thought looking at that guy stuck in the tree roots. How does he use the bathroom?

Next we see Daenerys aka Khaleesi on the march with the Dothraki into Vaes Dothrak. I think this is the motherland for the Dothraki. She’s welcomed home at the temple and brought inside to the other Khal widows. The woman in charge sends the men out. The women grab her and strip her down while Dany curses them for touching her while they bring her a simple outfit to match their own. I think she says she’ll have their heads! She sounds like Cersei! Dany tries to reason and explain they are making a huge mistake because she was the wife of the Great Khal. The woman remembers her because she saw Dany eating the stallion heart. That’s right, folks, when Khaleesi was pregnant in season 1 she had to eat a stallion heart to make her baby strong per Dothraki custom. Good times! She tells them she’s the Mother of Dragons. This lady has no time for Dany’s aspirations. All that matters to the Dothraki is that Dany is a widow and she belongs with them. The woman has some more words about how she knows Dany thought Khal Drogo would conquer the world with her by his side because she too was once young like Dany and had the same thoughts about her Khal. Now she lets Dany know that her best hope is that the Dothraki allow her to stay with the Dosh Khaleen because what she did, going off on her own into the world, is forbidden. Well this sounds morbid. Where the hell are Drogon and Jorah and Daario? I don’t have the patience to sit around and watch this nonsense for 5 more episodes when she has a kingdom to rule, you guys!

Candi: Ahhh. The dragon lady. Still dirty. But still hot as fuck. I hope her dragon comes and eats all these miserable bitches.

Speaking of her kingdom, over in Meereen the Unsullied bring Varys the prostitute woman that was working with the Sons of the Harpy. Varys excuses the soldiers and the woman bravely proclaims he should just torture her now and get it over with. Varys advises that he knows torture doesn’t work. Hm, I wonder if Drumpf watches GoT? I digress. Varys knows what she’s done and how she’s sacrificed her body for a cause. She’s a good party line follower and spews on about how the Unsullied and Second Sons are foreign soldiers brought by a foreign queen who are trying to destroy their tradition and their city. Ah so they are happy with slavers and a strict division of class? Varys says they have different perspectives and really hopes she can come to understand his. He mentions keeping her son happy. He knows the kid’s name and his disability. Oh snap! He assures her that her son is in no immediate danger and he wouldn’t hurt a child, but he knows she conspired to kill the Queen’s soldiers. She appears a bit desperate at the mention of her son but she knows the Sons of Harpy will kill her if she reveals anything. Varys gives her a third option. He’s booked passage for she and her son and can safely get them to Pentos with a bag full of silver if she gives him the name of the people behind the conspiracy against Dany.

Candi: Ohhhh wait!! Isn’t this bald guy the one without the pecker?!! And just how does he plan on making this girl happy without the proper tools??

Next we see Tyrion, Missandei, and Grey Worm sitting around waiting for Varys. Tyrion wants to know what they should do to pass the time, as these two seem to be mute in his presence. He reminds Missandei that she can speak 19 languages and surely she must have something to say. Grey Worm claims they talk about his patrols. He drones on for a few minutes about this very boring topic and Tyrion says that’s a report not a conversation. This scene is cracking me up because these two don’t get Tyrion’s humor. He decides they can play a game! Oh god. Grey Worm says games are for children and poor Missandei mentions her former master liking to play games but only making the girls play the games. Oh dear. Tyrion quickly assures them he doesn’t mean those kinds of games. He wants to play fun games! Drinking games! They protest because they do not drink, but he thinks they can play anyway. It’s a fun game that he invented, the truth game, and then he gets a bit confused because the whole purpose of the game is to drink. Thank the Seven! Varys walks in to stop the awkwardness! He got the names of the people responsible for the uprising against Queen Danaerys. It’s the masters of Astapor, Yunkai, and Volantis. Grey Worm wants to go fight them all. Tyrion mentions dealing with them in a different fashion but Missandei says they only speak one language, which likely means war and fighting. Varys has his little birds on it. Side note: Varys is known as the master of whispers. He has a whole network of spies all over the world.

Candi: I’m going to regret saying this, but…the little dude is starting to grow on me. Like mold.

In King’s Landing, Qyburn is hanging out with a bunch of urchin kids. He’s asking after the health of a boy who is recovering from a black eye. Ah, it sounds like he was being pushed around by his father but Qyburn got rid of the father. Maybe Qyburn’s not so bad after all if he’s protecting kids! A little girl asks if Varys is coming back. Oh! Oh! I get it! These are some of Varys’ little birds. Qyburn offers them sweets and tells them he can help them out but all he wants in return is whispers. Then the Mountain aka Ser Gregor Clegane and Cersei and Jaime come down the stairs and the kids look terrified and scurry off. Jaime wants to know exactly what Qyburn did to the Mountain. Jaime wants to know if he understands complete sentences and makes a crack about his intelligence and the Mountain jerks his head at Jaime and it makes me jump! EEEk! Qyburn assures Jaime he understands everything. So Jaime wants to know why they haven’t told him to go crush the High Sparrow’s head like a melon. But Cersei is wise and says he only needs to crush one head. She’s still awaiting her trial and plans to use the Mountain as her sword in the trial by combat. Boom! Next she demands that Qyburn put those little birds all over the fucking world because she wants to know who is talking about the queen that had to parade naked down the road covered in shit.

Candi: Ok. Where the fuck did all these kids come from??? Now I know for certain I’ve never seen them before!!  Did I blink and miss something???

Next up we see Granny Tyrell, oh how I love her, with Maester Pycell, Lord Tyrell, and Uncle Kevan having a small council meeting. Pycell is raging about what a freak Qyburn is and how he created that monster out of the Mountain. He’s carrying on and on while Jaime, Cersei, and said monster coming walking into the room. He still doesn’t see them and keeps blabbering on. He said he wants the beast destroyed! And the Mountain heard him! He looks like he just shit himself. Cersei asks Granny Tyrell why she is there and she snaps back that she was invited. She’s here to help with the Queen’s imprisonment. Of course, Cersei think she means her and she really means her granddaughter Margaery, the real queen. Granny patiently tries to explain it to Cersei in simple terms because she understands things get confused in Cersei’s family… She is not the queen because she is not married to the king. This really tickled me. Uncle Kevan doesn’t have time for this nonsense; he reminds them they have no right in the small council. Jaime reminds him that he’s the captain of the kingsguard and pulls up chairs for he and Cersei. She immediately asks what they plan to do about Myrcella’s death and Jaime brings up the Sand Snakes taking over Dorne. He wants to get shit sorted and needs everyone to work together. Kevan says he doesn’t have to stay and neither do they unless her Thing murders them all. He’s a bit of a piss ant, isn’t he? Pycell goes running past him. Well hell. How do Jaime and Cersei not have any power when their son is the King?

Candi: Hmm. I wonder when the drunk chic and her brother are going to do it!?

Paula: OMG he just tooted! Lmfao

Paula: Oh Granny went there with the incest. I love her. Lmao

Speak of the devil, King Tommen goes with his kingsguard to see the High Sparrow. He demands that his mother be allowed to see Myrcella’s final resting place. The Sparrow won’t allow it until Cersei fully atones. Tommen shows us that he’s grown some balls and gets in his face a little bit demanding to see his wife. There’s a bit of a stand off and then the High Sparrow has his men stand down and Tommen does the same. The High Sparrow starts talking about the Mother’s presence and he advises Tommen that Cersei’s love for him comes from somewhere special. It’s a gift from the Mother. Then the High Sparrow asks to sit because he needs to rest his knees. I don’t like this. What’s his game here? I think he’s going to try to proselytize a young king! He goes on to explain that Cersei made her walk of atonement just to get back to him. He says her atonement is not what he wants, but what the gods want. Tommen seems to be listening and sits next to him as he says a true leader avails himself of the wisest council he can and no one is wiser than the gods. Tommen remembers his grandfather telling him something similar about surrounding himself with wise people. Oh great. I hope he doesn’t fall for this zealot bs.

Candi: I dozed off. I have no clue what was going on.

Paula: Not gonna lie, I’m a little bored tonight.

Arya is at the House of Black and White. The waif is training her, she’s still blind, and she keeps getting her ass kicked. The waif continues to ask her questions about Arya Stark. Arya tests her and lies on some of the answers but the waif knows every time she lies and hits her with the stick. She mentions her parents, Ned and Caitlyn Stark, and her siblings, Sansa, Robb, Bran, Rickon, and her half-brother Jon Snow. (Side note: Did anyone else notice that the waif hit her when she mentioned her three brothers and her half-brother? Was that a hint? (R+L=J).) The waif wants to know where her relatives are. She responds they may be dead for all a girl knows. My heart is always breaking for Arya. Now the waif wants to know about the Hound. See what I mean? Now it’s breaking about her relationship with the Hound. She tells the waif that he is also dead because Arya Stark left him to die since he was on her list. The waif strikes her. Arya concedes he was not on her list anymore because she’d taken him off it. Arya is as confused as ever on her feelings about the Hound. The waif wants to know who else was on her silly little list. Reminder, her list is her kill list of all the people that wronged her family and friends. She names Cersei, Gregor Clegane aka the Mountain aka Frankencersei, and Walder Frey. The waif thinks that’s a short-list and surely there must be more people she wants to kill. Arya basically tells her she’ll give any name she wants.

Next they are fighting again and Arya is starting to hold her own. Holy shit, she’s fighting back and lands a really good blow on the waif and blocks a big hit. Holy shit this is so cool! J’agen witnesses it and watches her progress. And just like that, badass Arya is back, you guys! Later J’agen goes to Arya and once again says if a girl tells me her name I will give her eyes back. She replies, a girl has no name. He leads her to the pool of poison water and offers it to her. She hesitates but he prompts her to drink because if a girl is truly no one she has nothing to fear. Arya drinks the water. Her eyesight is back! Yay! He asks again, who are you? She responds, no one.

Candi: Why won’t she say her name?!?! I’m going to need a lesson on this scene.

Way up north in Winterfell, Ramsay and Karstark are holding court when a man comes in from House Umber wanting a favor from the Boltons. Ramsay reminds the man that when his father was named Warden of the North, House Umber wouldn’t pledge their house to him. And everyone knows The Umbers are a famously loyal house. Umber says he didn’t pledge support because Ramsay’s father was a cunt and that’s why Ramsay killed him. Oh snap! Ramsay smirks a little bit and says their enemies poisoned his father. Umber doesn’t really seem to care. He’s at Winterfell because of Jon Snow letting the wildlings pass the Wall. He’s worried about fighting them because he lives further north than any of these other fuckers. This guy is cracking me up! He wants to know what Ramasay plans to do if a band of wildlings comes to overtake Winterfell. Ramsay tells him if he pledges his banners to House Bolton they can join forces. This guy basically tells him to fuck off because he’s not pledging anything or bending the knee or whatever it is. Instead he has a gift. He brings in two people whose heads are covered in hoods. Oh dear god, don’t let it be Sansa. He tells him he has a girl for Ramsay just like he likes and pulls the hood off of Osha! Holy shit! Oh my god. And then he says he’s got a boy nice and young just like Karstark likes them. Ewww. And Holy shit again! It’s Rickon Stark. Ramsay wants to know how he can prove that it really is Rickon Stark. Umber comes forward with Shaggydog’s head on a stick. Rickon’s dire wolf has been killed. These motherfuckers! Ramsay’s eyes light up, and he creepily welcomes Lord Stark home. Oh Jesus. What’s he going to do to Osha and Rickon? Sidenote: Osha is a wildling woman who ended up at Winterfell after she escaped the white walkers. She and Hodor became protectors of Bran and Rickon when Theon seized Winterfell. She helped the boys escape, but later she and Rickon separated from the Bran crew because she didn’t want to go further north due to the white walkers and Bran had to complete his mission to find the Three-Eyed Raven. She promised to keep the little lord safe.

Candi: This little fuckface. That’s his new name btw.

 

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My fuckhead husband is the worst. I hope he doesn’t try to play his little games with my brother Rickon.

Back at the Wall, Edd tells Jon it’s time. He walks out into the yard and the four traitors are strung up in nooses. Didn’t more than four people stab him? I guess they got killed in the wildling skirmish last week. Jon wants to know if they have any last words. Personally, I hope he burns all those fucking traitors. The first two men say their peace and then he gets to Aliser Thorne. Aliser isn’t begging or pleading for his life. He knows his time is up and he said he had a choice to betray Jon or betray the Night’s Watch. He’ll never get over the wildling situation. Now Jon is in front of that little fucker, Olly. He and Jon just look at each other, but do not say anything. Jon poises his sword to cut the rope that will hang the traitors. He hesitates. Please kill them! Don’t show mercy! Fuck those assholes! Atta boy! Death by hanging looks pretty awful … but not as bad as getting stabbed in the fucking heart by your so-called friends! Take that!

After the camera has shown their bloated dead faces for what feels like an eternity, Edd advises Jon to burn the bodies, but Jon tells Edd that he should be the one to do it. Then he removes his cloak and passes it off the Edd saying he’s in charge now because Jon’s watch has ended, and he walks away. Holy shit! What will he do?!

Candi: Jon Snow is badass. Omg. Did he just quit his job?? What just happened???

Paula: Aw, his watch has ended *cries*

The credits roll.

Candi: Another side note. Still no sex.  I’m not happy.

Candi: And another side note, more like an observation. I think Jon Snow and the dragon lady would make an excellent couple. Could you imagine the hot sex between these two!!!!

Best hair: Uh … Ned Stark’s locks looked nice tonight.

Biggest AS IF: I’ve got nothing!

Biggest Fist Pump: When Jon hangs those asshole traitors. Take that!

Final Thoughts: I do think this episode was a bit slow, but it had a lot of huge set up moments. I can’t wait to see what happens next week!

KAYTI MCGEE: SRSYLY CERSEI

Well, the Small Council lives up to its name. Since it’s basically just me, bae, and Frankenbaby. Cheers, bitches. #lemonade

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JR GRAY: JAIME RANTS

Jon Snow ass. Hello. Was I the only one thinking his wolf was going to eat him? Can I ship the ginger wildling and John? -isn’t jealous-

It’s about time I showed up. I was starting to think my pretty face wouldn’t be… Cercei, damn she’s sexy when she’s angry and vying for control. Did the old ass Maester just fart when he realized the giant knight was standing there listening to him talk shit?! I’m pretty sure he did. -slow claps-

Since Jon Snow is only in the Night’s Watch until death he has a free out. He better not come for Cercei. I’d have to kill him.

*All graphics used are in fun with fair use. They do not belong to us, but to the powers that be at HBO and Game of Thrones. No copyright infringement intended.