Dirty Girls: What the fuck?
Paula: I’m feeling the need to fast forward to the end and see what happens. Wonder if you can do that? I know someone is going to die tonight. It better not be Jaime or Jon.
Candi: I’m scared already! *removes breakables from within reach*
The finale opens with the Red Woman, Melisandre, surveying the melting snow. She claims the Lord of Light has made good on his promise to Stannis. The Lord has shown her Bolton’s banners burning. Stannis sternly announces they will ride for Winterfell and take it. She’s doing her witchy woman seductive moves on him but he brushes past her. One of his men comes to give the bad news that nearly half of his men deserted before dawn. All the sell swords took off with the horses. Well, no shit. Who wants to follow a king who burns his daughter alive? Especially men that are fighting for money and not for a cause. Another man comes bearing bad news. Stannis is sure it can’t be worse than mutiny … then he sees his dead wife hanging from the tree. I suppose she couldn’t live with the fact that she watched her daughter be burned alive. Oh and even more bad news arrives. Turns out, Lady Melisandre was seen riding out of camp. Is she worried that Stannis will kill her? Is all hope lost since the army and horses are gone? Stannis tells his men to get ready to march on Winterfell. He’s still a stubborn bastard.
The Red Woman still has no game. ‘Ole Stannis would have had me bent over that table in two seconds flat.
Candi: God. This chick is after everyone. HA! Shot down again!! OMG!! She killed herself!!!
Tarah: Stannis… karma is a bitch, huh?
At Castle Black, Jon relays the events of the white walker battle to Sam. Jon ponders that he’s the first Lord Commander in history to sacrifice the lives of the Night’s Watch for wildlings. He claims he’s the most hated man at Castle Black. Sam asks Jon for permission to take Gilly and baby Sam to Old Town so he can study to become a maester at the Citadel. Jon says he needs him at Castle Black because he’s the only one he trusts, but Sam argues his case. The Night’s Watch needs a maester and Sam can learn about strategy, healing, and white walkers. He’s afraid Gilly and the baby will die if they stay and he’ll die too when he fails to protect them. He and Jon share a drink as Sam admits he broke his vows and had sex. I’m glad Jon doesn’t preach about Sam breaking his vows. Jon knows what it’s like to be in love. Aw Ygritte. Jon smiles and tells Sam he’s glad the end of the world is working out well for someone. Sam swears he’ll come back. Sam, Gilly, and the baby leave without fanfare as Jon waves goodbye. Poor Jon looks sad.
Candi: Ohh hi Jon Snow!! I have no clue what’s going on in this scene. Not even going to try. Ok. That guy is leaving???
Tarah: Aw, sweet Sam. Their friendship is the best. Jon and Sam forever.
Back to Stannis’ pitiful army. They have no horses and are marching along. Winterfell is in the distance.
Candi: Who is this big army after? I feel like I should know this.
Over at Winterfell, the Bolton men are preparing for battle. Sansa uses that corkscrew weapon to unlock her door and rushes to get the candle to the highest watchtower. She’s taking full advantage of this looming battle. Brienne is patiently waiting to see if the candle lights up in the watchtower. But oh shit! Pod sees Stannis marching on Winterfell. He knows it’s Stannis because he’ll never forget his banners after the Battle of the Blackwater. Brienne looks back at Winterfell and we see Sansa rushing to the tower. Don’t leave, Brienne! Sansa is almost there. Well damn. She turns and leaves because she has a debt to pay to Stannis. And, of course, Sansa gets the candle lit but it’s too late.
Paula: Finally. That candle. Are you kidding me? That candle can be seen that far away? No way. Do you know how tiny a candle flame is? And I’ve been waiting all this time to see if it could and she leaves. Figures.
Candi: That girl escaped!!!! And of course the blonde haired person leaves and misses the candle!!
Tarah: You can do it, Sansa!!! Light the candle. Pod! Where ya been? Oh no! She missed the candle! Fuck.
Back to Stannis, he says they’ll camp for the night and siege in the morning but it’s too fucking late for that, Stannis! His men watch as the Bolton crew comes riding up on horses. There are hundreds of them. They completely out number Stannis and crew. Oh for fucks sake. If I have to sit through another 20-minute battle I will be pissed. Just kill them already. Sansa watches from the watchtower. You know she’s hoping Stannis will win. Stannis looks defeated already but he raises his sword and the battle commences. Thankfully, we are spared the entire battle. We see the aftermath of Stannis’ dead men everywhere. Oh there’s Stannis. He’s still alive, barely. Some of Bolton’s men come charging him and he takes them out, and suffers a few more wounds. I guess Stannis was a fierce warrior after all. Too bad he KILLED HIS DAUGHTER. I have zero sympathy for him.
Paula: You know the violence on this show pretty much borders on gratuitous at this point.
Candi: Someone needs to take Daddy Dearest out!! OFF WITH HIS HEAD!!!
Tarah: Oh Snapple. Stannis is going down. He’s alive. Huh… oh. Not for long. Mm. I guess for a while longer. He has quite an owie though.
Stannis leans against the tree and looks like he’s going to bleed out when Brienne shows up. He comments that he didn’t know the Boltons had women fighting for them. She announces who she is and lets him know she doesn’t fight for the Boltons. She saw his devil shadow baby that killed Renly. Stannis admits he was responsible for Renly’s death. Brienne sentences him to die on behalf of Renly. She asks if he has any last words. He instructs her to go on and do her duty. Brienne kills him. We don’t actually see the death shot. I’m glad for it.
Paula: Good heavens that Bathandbeyond guy had 700 names.
Candi: Yes!!!! KILL HIM!!!!!!
Tarah: Brienne! She’s the best. So honorable.
Oh! But we do get to see Ramsay taking out some poor injured man. He’s such a sadistic fuck. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone take so much pleasure in killing. Ugh. It’s really unfortunate that his crazy ass survived. He tells his man they need to head back because his wife must be lonely. As if, you prick!
Paula: If I uncover my eyes one more time to someone being killed I’m going to scream.
Candi: Someone needs to kill this sick fuck too. God, this show has made me such a violent person. #SorryNotSorry
Tarah: Gah this dude is creepy as fuck. He makes my stomach turn.
Speaking of his wife, she’s rushing around Winterfell. I’m not sure if she’s trying to get back to her room or to escape. Then Myranda and Theon show up on one of the castle bridge walkways. Myranda has a crossbow trained on her. Sansa tells them she knows what Ramsay is and knows what he’ll do to her. If she’s going to die, let it happen while there is still some of her left. Myranda taunts her that Ramsay won’t let her die. He’ll make her have a few babies and take different parts away from her. She paints a very bleak future for Sansa. Myranda threatens to begin taking pieces of Sansa now and Theon grabs her as she lets the arrow fly and it misses Sansa. They scuffle and she falls over the ledge and there’s a bloody splat on the ground. Take that! Good riddance. Just then, the Bolton army opens the gates and announces their return. Oh shit. Theon grabs Sansa and they run to the castle ledge. They look at each other like “let’s do this.” They hold hands and fucking jump. Woah. Do piles of snow protect a fall from a castle wall? Will they survive? I guess jumping to your death from the castle wall is better than sticking around for that sadist to torture you. I’ve got a good feeling they’ll still be kicking next season.
Paula: Aw. Poor Theon. I kind of want them to fall in love. Would you really not die from that high even if you landed in snow?
Candi: Since I’m on a killing spree. Someone needs to take out this little bitch!! OH MY GOD THANK YOU BEST SCENE EVER!!! Omg did they just kill themselves?!! Why did they jump!?!?!!
Tarah: Sansa. Please don’t let her die. OH FUCK. That was gross. I hope that snow is soft.
Over in Braavos, we’re dealing with another sociopath. Oh my god. Ser Meryn has three little girls in his room and this sick fuck is taking pleasure in caning them. One girl doesn’t cry when he hits her. Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Please let it be Arya. The girl reveals her face. It isn’t Arya. He kicks the other two girls out and brutally punches the remaining girl in the stomach. What a fucker. She falls to the ground. Suddenly the girl rips off the face and wig and it IS Arya! Holy shit. She pulls out a knife, charges him, and stabs him right in the fucking eyeball. He falls to the ground and she’s on top of him and she stabs the other eyeball! She shoves something in his mouth and stabs him repeatedly in the chest. There’s blood everywhere. Damn. This is really gruesome. She has him on his knees now. She tells him he was the first person on her list for killing Syrio Forel, her water dance instructor. She brags that she’s killed several people from her list but she’s glad the Many Faced God saved him for her. She asks if he knows who she is. She can’t hear his response because he’s gagged, obvi. He’s grunting in pain. She tells him she’s Arya Stark and stabs him again! This time in the back. She asks him, “Do you know who you are? You’re no one. You are nothing.” And then she gleefully slits his fucking throat. This was perhaps the most violent death I’ve seen on this show. And I don’t feel bad about it. Well it was gross, but he had it coming! Holy shit. Do not fuck with Arya. Can someone just give her the throne already?
Paula: OMFG. Who is this guy in the brothel? I HATE THIS SHOW. I’m fast forwarding. JESUS CHRIST. SHE STABBED HIS EYES OUT BEFORE I COULD FAST FORWARD. I DID NOT WANT TO SEE THAT.
Candi: Ok. Continuing my killing spree. This child molesting sick fuck needs to have his dick cutoff and his eyeballs popped out!!! OMFG ALL MY WISHES ARE COMING TRUE!!!! She went for the eyeballs!!!!!!! Thank you thank you thank you!!!! Omg that’s the oyster chick!!!!!!!!!
Tarah: Jesus. He beats little girls?! Someone kill him. Is that… is that Arya? I was right! EW. How do I watch this show. *closes eyes* Literally almost threw up just now.
Later, Arya is all cleaned up and returning the borrowed face to the Hall of Faces. Jaqen and the mean girl (known around the internets as the waif) appear. Jaqen tells her she took a life. The wrong life. The mean girl grabs Arya and pins her hands behind her back. Jaqen tells her she stole from the Many Faced God and now a debt is owed. Only death can be exchanged for a life. He takes out the vial of poison. Eep. I think he’s going to poison Arya but Jaqen drinks the water instead and falls to the ground. Arya breaks free and rushes to him. She screams and cries begging him not to die. She’s sobbing. The mean girl asks, why are you crying? Arya pitifully responds that he was her friend. At this point, he’s her only friend. The girl tells her, no he wasn’t. She asks Arya, didn’t you listen? He was no one. Suddenly Jaqen appears. He’s alive! She’s so confused and asks if he’s alive then who is dead on the ground? He tells her it was no one at all just as the girl should have been before she took a face from the Hall. He continues to tell her the faces are for no one and she is still someone. She rips Jaqen’s face off the dead person to reveal a woman underneath, she continues to rip the faces off on and on until she comes to her own face. Oh snap! Her eyesight starts to fade and she goes blind. Motherfucker. Is this her punishment? She paid for taking a life that was not hers to take with blindness? Why is the world so cruel? Side bar: The acting done by Maisie Williams in these last two scenes was top fucking notch. I’m in awe of this actress.
Paula: AGAIN. What is this game of faces?! This is like my own personal hell. He talks in riddles. If he calls her the girl one more time I’m going to stab my own eyes out.
Candi: WTF WHY DID HE KILL HIMSELF!?!! Jesus Christ on a cracker I’m confused!!! Is the oyster girl going to die?!?!?
Tarah: The face thing… is a little too weird for me. I mean he changed his face and also shrunk two feet? Le sigh.
Down in Dorne, Jaime, Bronn, Myrcella, and Trystane are off to set sail to King’s Landing. Ellaria gives Myrcella a long kiss goodbye right on the lips. She left Myrcella smeared in lipstick. Oh fuck. Seriously? Lipstick? Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Fucking Sand Snakes. Bronn says goodbye to Tyene and tells her maybe he’ll come visit her. She whispers in his ear, “You want a good girl, but you need a bad pussy.” Then she bites him! I’m sure that comment and bite went straight to Bronn’s dick.
Oh look. My sister is offering up bad pussy to a stranger. Must be Tuesday! And in case you forgot already, I totally let her win at that game last week.
Paula: Why do I feel like she has poison in her lipstick? She kissed her for a very long time.
Candi: Ummmm….why did that snake lady kiss that blonde girl like that??
Jaime and Myrcella are below the deck and he returns her Lannister Lion necklace. He instructs her to hold onto it from now on. She promises she’ll never take it off again. Jaime tells her he’s happy that she’s in love with Trystane. It’s amazing that she’s in an arranged marriage and she actually loves the guy. They joke about whether Cersei will like Trystane. Jaime takes a seat and they have a heart to heart about love. God, he looks so good in this scene. He tells her, we don’t choose whom we love. It’s beyond our control. Oh Jaime. I love you. I choose to love you! He nervously says he knows he sounds like an idiot but he’s trying to tell her something. She assures him she knows what he’s trying to say. She takes his hand and admits she knows about him and her mother. She thinks in a way she always knew and she’s glad he’s her father. Oh my god. This made me cry. They embrace and finally finally Jaime gets to claim one of his children as his own. He hugs her tightly and they have a true father-daughter connection. He looks so surprised and grateful. Jaime Lannister actually looks happy and at peace. For once! My heart is melting. This is a really lovely scene. Maybe Myrcella will be the best parts of them.
Oh of fucking course it gets fucking ruined. Her nose starts bleeding profusely, she starts to shake and Jaime is calling her name and is completely helpless and all I can think of is that goddamn lipstick. Next we see Ellaria and the Sand Snakes on the pier and that smug bitch, Ellaria, has a matching bloody nose. Tyene gives her a cloth; she wipes off the blood and the lipstick then drinks the poison antidote. Assholes!
Paula: That boat has no motion at all. OMFG she did! I AM PSYCHIC!
Candi: Oh poor Jaime. He doesn’t know that his incest partner aka the drunk is locked up. God Jaime is so hot. Awww that was a sweet father/daughter bonding moment. *wipes tear* Omg that snake bitch!!!!
Tarah: Poor Jaime. Must be so hard… is he going to say I’m your dad? Oh god the lipstick was poisoned… Everyone is dying!!!! WHY am I surprised?!
In Meereen, Tyrion, Daario, and Jorah sit on the steps of Dany’s throne. Tyrion asks, you love her don’t you? It’s funny to me because he’s asking both of them. Tyrion says he can understand why they love her. Grey Worm and Missandei show up. Grey Worm wants to know what Jorah is doing there since the queen exiled him. Daario and Missandei explain that Jorah saved the queen’s life. Jorah and Daario talk about going on a dragon finding mission to rescue the Khaleesi. Tyrion and Jorah are back to bickering because they both think the other shouldn’t come along on the search for Dany. Daario makes the decision that he and Jorah will look for the queen. Tyrion will be useful to help govern Meereen because he’s the only of them that’s actually had experience ruling a city. Grey Worm wants to go with to find his queen, but he’s still too weak. Daario assures him he’s the toughest man with no balls that he’s ever met but he still can’t go. Grey Worm needs to stay in Meereen to keep the peace. The Unsullied respect him and will listen to him. Daario advises that Missandei is the queen’s closest confidante. The three of them will keep the peace in the city while Daario and Jorah look for Dany. So Tyrion has a kingdom to run after all with the help of Grey Worm and Missandei. I bet he didn’t see that coming when he woke up this morning!
Afterwards, Tyrion is standing out on Dany’s balcony watching Jorah and Daario ride off. And oh my god. Yes! Varys appears! I’ve never been so happy to see him. He shows up just in time to help his friend, Tyrion. I feel confident that these two can hold down the fort and save Meereen from civil war. Tyrion wants to know if Varys has any advice for an old comrade. He says, if only I knew someone with a vast network of spies. Ha! Varys remarks that Meereen is a grand old city, choking on violence, corruption, and deceit. Sound familiar? He wonders who could possibly help manage such an ungainly beast. Ha. HA! Tyrion says, I did miss you. I believe him. So does Varys.
Candi: Hey! The little dude! And God that hot bodyguard. He’s my favorite person on the show. The toughest man of no balls!!! I fucking die!!!!! That wins the quote of the season!!! I wonder if the bodyguard will take his shirt off.
Tarah: Grey Worm! <3 Time to find Khaleesi!
Next we see Dany and Drogon in some green grassy lands. They are in the middle of nowhere. She tells Drogon it’s time to go home. He looks pretty cozy lying on top of animal bones and charred remains. He turns his head as she pets him. She’s trying to reason with her dragon but he wants none of it. She climbs on him and he basically moves around to knock her off. The little shit! It’s unclear if he’s a brat or injured. Or most likely, he’s a dick like my cat and does what he wants, when he wants, and fuck you if you try to get him to do something when he doesn’t want to do it. Dany walks away from him to survey the land. Possibly she’s looking for food. She’s a hot mess by the way. Her hair is disheveled and her dress is filthy but she’s still gorgeous. Oh fuck. A Dothraki man comes riding up on his horse. And then three more. Dany discreetly removes her pearl ring and lets it fall to the ground. Hopefully, a clue for Jorah and Daario if it comes to that. Holy shit a whole goddamn Khalasar comes riding up. There are hundreds of them and they circle around her. I imagine the legend of Khal Drogo’s silver bride has been told near and far. Do they know who she is? If she hadn’t walked into Khal Drogo’s funeral pyre, she would have been sent back to Vaes Dothrak with all the old wives and possibly would have been paired off with another Khal. Oh shit. What will they do? Drogon better get off his ass!
Candi: Please please PLEASE don’t let the dragon die!!! Oh god dragon lady is FUCT!
Tarah: Dragon has a full belly. Aw. And owies still. He wants a nap. I want a dragon!! Rut roh… should have stayed with your dragon. Wow. That’s a lot of people on horses.
In King’s Landing, Cersei is crying in her dungeon cell. The nun lady shows up and asks her to confess. Cersei goes before the High Sparrow and tells him she wants to confess. She confesses to having sex with her cousin, Lancel Lannister. She vehemently denies sleeping with Jaime or having children with him. This is a smart move. I don’t think they had paternity tests back then so there’s no way to prove the children weren’t Robert’s. Plus, she’s not willing to give up their claim to the throne. She makes a good argument against Stannis spreading lies about her and trying to steal the throne from his brother’s children. The High Sparrow tells her she will still have to undergo a trial. Cersei begs for mercy to see her son. The High Sparrow tells her she’s taken the first step on the path to righteousness, and he’ll let her return to the Red Keep. She asks if she’s free to go. He advises she can leave after her atonement. Oh jesus. What the fuck is her atonement going to be?
Candi: Well good evening your royal drunkness!! Oh c’mon. Just confess already!! FINALLY!!!
Tarah: Cersei’s eyebrow is all I can look at.
In the next scene, the nuns are scrubbing a nude Cersei rather roughly. They force her to sit and brutally cut her hair until her scalp is bloody. Her beautiful golden Lannister mane is sheared off! They leave her alone in the cell. Next, Cersei is in her ragged dress and brought out to steps of the sept. The High Sparrow announces that Cersei has committed the acts of falsehood and fornication. To demonstrate her repentance she will cast aside all pride and present herself as the gods made her. Oh dear. Shorn of secrets, naked before the eyes of gods and men to make her walk of atonement. Oh fuck. Are you remembering that High Septon who was marched down the street nude earlier this season? The streets are crowded with people. The nuns strip her naked. And push her forward.
She starts the long walk towards the Red Keep with the townspeople witnessing her shame. The nun woman keeps chanting “shame, shame, shame” over and over while ringing that dumb bell. The crowd starts getting rowdy and calling her filthy names. They start throwing shit at her. Literal shit, people. Rotten fruit, feces, and other vile things. Some gross men stick their dicks out and tell her to suck them off. Ewww. Let me tell you, the good people of King’s Landing are fucking pigs. I guess they have no love lost for their queen, but this is disgusting.
At this point, I think we’ve all had a hate on or two for Cersei over the years but Jesus. I can’t get behind this. It’s fucking sick and unnecessary and entirely too long. If I were her, I’d be plotting my revenge to burn all these motherfuckers to the ground. Cersei keeps her fierce Lannister pride for most of the walk. She holds her head high but the violence and vitriol directed towards her is too much to bear, even for a lioness. She is shoved down at one point and finally starts to cry. She’s so close to the Red Keep at this point. She’s a stinking filthy mess, but she carries on. Her feet are horribly bloody. She finally approaches the castle gates and none of the Lannister guards make a move to cover her or help her. Once she gets inside we see a contingent of guards, Maester Pycell, and her Uncle Kevan. They don’t say a word or lift a finger as Qyburn rushes to her side and wraps her in a Lannister red cloak. He tells her it’s good to have her back as she cries openly. He presents her the newest member of the King’s Guard. Holy shit. His freaky science project worked! The Mountain lives! He’s a fucking giant. He picks Cersei up and carries her off to get cleaned up. Qyburn let’s her know the Mountain has taken a vow of silence and won’t speak until all of her enemies have been destroyed. Cersei gets that old look in her eye. Thank the seven! I want her to come back next season ready to kick some fucking religious zealot ass.
Paula: Oh no. Not her hair! Poor Cersei. These people are so cruel. Her feet are bleeding. *cries* Who is that big guy that picked her up? Is he like a Frankenstein?
Candi: Is that a sin, being naked in front of everyone like that? God. Even I think this punishment is a little harsh. OMFG THEY SHOWED THAT MAN’S PEEN ON TV!!!!!! Who is this armored man that won’t talk???
Tarah: What. The. Fuck. I mean… just. Wow. These people are fucking insane. Ok. So I wonder if that random chick is telling her friends, “I was the random woman who shook her tits during that Cersei scene…” o.o Oh wow. And now this random guy can say the same. How does one become cast in “random angry man flashing penis” I wonder… “Second man flashing penis.” Fuck. That chick got the snot beat out of her face. This scene is dragging… Where is the king during all this? Ffs. That is a huge person…
Back at the Wall, Melisandre rides into Castle Black looking shell-shocked. Davos and Jon ask about Stannis. She doesn’t answer. Davos grabs her and asks about the Princess. She just looks down and away. Oh damn. Jon and Davos exchange a look. What does this mean for all of them if Stannis is dead?
Next we see Jon reading scrolls in his office. He looks defeated. I’m weirdly hoping one of those scrolls announces Sansa’s wedding to Ramsay so Jon can add rescuing his sister to his to-do list. Olly comes busting in and says a wildling is telling stories about Jon’s Uncle Benjen and knows where to find him. Jon goes rushing off with Olly. Alliser is waiting at the bottom of the steps to tell him the man’s story may be true. He leads Jon to a group of men and Jon pushes through the crowd. There’s a cross erected that says traitor. Jon turns and Alliser stabs him as he says, “For the Watch.” Several other men come forward and stab him and recite the same words. Oh my god. Fuck you, people! He tried to save your criminal, ignorant, inbred asses! Jon is on the ground. Where is Melisandre? Where is Ghost? Where is Davos? Can we get one fucking ally up in here? Olly comes up to him next. This fucking kid. Jon says his name and Olly gives him the final blow. Oh Jon Snow. He falls to the ground. The men walk away. Olly is in tears, that little prick. And Jon is on his back in the snow with blood pooling around him. He looks so beautiful in this scene. Are you fucking kidding me? This is how it ends? THIS?
Seriously? For the Watch? I tried to save all your worthless, criminal asses!
Paula: ARE THEY STABBING JON SNOW???!!!!!!!??? OH MY GOD. WHAT IS THIS SHOW?? I LOVED HIM. *cries and cries and cries* THAT CHILDREN OF THE CORN LOOKING KID STABBED HIM TOO! I can NOT believe this.
OOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! *CRIES AND CRIES CRIES AND THROWS UP AND CRIES AND CRIES WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY*
Tarah: JOOOOOOOOOOOON!!!!! Mother fucking bastards!!!!!!!!! *cries and cries and cries and cries* WHAT THE MOTHER FUCKING FUCK?! *cries more and more and more* WE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN!!!! Fucking hell god dammit. UGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH.
The credits roll.
Paula: This is the most depressing show IN THE HISTORY OF EVER. I don’t give ONE FLYING F$CK WHO GETS THAT IRON THRONE. Whoever gets it is probably going to get ELECTROCUTED WHEN THEY SIT IN IT ANYWAYS. It takes them 5,000 YEARS to get where they are going and then they DIE. THESE PEOPLE ARE ALL MONSTERS. SICK SICK SICK MONSTERS. AND EVERYONE I LIKE DIES. I FEEL LIKE I SIGNED UP TO BE TORTURED FOR TEN SHOWS. THIS IS NOT ENTERTAINMENT. *weeps*
Candi: I just can’t even. I am so mad. I just can’t even. I quit for fucking life. Fuck you GoT. I’m out.
Tarah: …ok. So. Let’s make him a White Walker. And… he can make them nice people? *sniffles through her absurdity* I need tissues.
Biggest Fist Pump: Surprisingly, there were a couple tonight. 1) When Arya brutally murders Ser Meryn. I know it was gross but he deserved to die; 2) When Varys shows up to lend a hand to Tyrion; and 3) When Sansa and Theon take matters into their own hands and jump from the castle wall.
Biggest AS IF: Watching Jon Snow bleed out. Are you fucking kidding me, HBO? How could you?
Best Hair: I kinda loved Dany’s wild look tonight, but I gotta give it up for Cersei. She looked beautiful even after they hacked all of her hair away. Should we all get the Cersei ‘do in solidarity?
Final Thoughts: Damn. So many. I’ve been a GoT apologist for years. I never joined in the outcry over the misogyny directed towards the females on the show because I always thought GRRM wrote such strong women characters and gave them the opportunity to take power in situations when women weren’t meant to have power. Yet these last few episodes have been heartbreakingly brutal. Can we catch a fucking break, HBO? However, I’m not ready to throw out my fangirl card just yet. I still have hope that Arya’s blindness will be short-lived and it will teach her to use her other senses to further her assassin skills, Sansa will keep finding that inner strength to fight for herself and grow into her power, Dany will survive this ordeal with the Dothraki and come back to take over the world, and Cersei will get retribution against all these motherfuckers standing in her way. It’s about time these men paid for their numerous acts of violence against women. I think this sets us up for the women to emerge stronger and more in control next season.
Now for the big question. Is Jon Snow really dead? There is a whole world of speculation out there on that subject. It’s hard to say. The books left that scene ambiguous while Team HBO seems pretty adamant that he is dead. I’ll be just as anxious as the rest of you to see what happens next season with that storyline and whether Jon returns. In the meantime, can we raise a glass to the gorgeous Kit Harrington? I sure will miss him if he’s really gone.
Also, where the hell is Margaery?
Finally, we’ve had a blast doing these recaps for you every week! I suspected the combination of Candi and Paula being new watchers to the show while Tarah and I knew what was going on would be entertaining, but I had no idea how many laughs I would have chatting with all of them each week, watching their reactions, excitement, confusion, and outrage. I loved it! I want to thank the girls for their commitment to watching the show and sticking it out even if wasn’t their cup of tea and the violence got to be too much. In the off season, I hope Candi gets to see Daario in a sex scene, Psuka gets to see someone, anyone get to where they are going and have a HEA, and Tarah finally gets her baby dragon.
Extra thanks to Paula for her hilarious and brilliant graphics. I have no idea how you did that, but thank you for making us shine every week. You turned me into the Khaleesi! I love you!
Many special thanks and big hugs to the lovely and hilarious Melanie Harlow and Kayti McGee who contributed when they could despite their busy schedules. It wouldn’t have been the same without you two. We loved every word you wrote. As we do. Thank you thank you thank you! We owe you gin martinis and hot pics of Jaime and Jon Snow.
Cersei's Walk of Shame
They want me to atone? I will fake this atonement, just like I faked my confession.
Do you see my face? Like I told you, it will be the last thing you see before you die, you miserable cunt.
You think this will shame me? Look at my body. Bitch, please.
Yeah. That’s right. Fucking flawless. This is my game face, peasants.
Ok ok ok so maybe you slovenly beasts are getting to me but I am a Lioness. Do you see my face? Do I look amused?
So I lost my shit a little bit. Don’t worry. I will bury every last one of my enemies and this face will be the last thing they see before they die. Along with the Mountain’s sword chopping their fucking heads off.
OWWWWW my fucking FEET there is not a pedi in the Seven Kingdoms that will fix this hot mess! My only consolation is looking smokin hot, shorn hair and all. For reals, y’all need to be doing the Pilates with me.
Now. Obviously it was kind of a shit couple weeks, so imagine my delight to find Cerseistein awaiting me! And he vows my vengeance, which is bad news for Sierra Simone whose name I add to my prayer this evening.
Ugh. I miss my brother. At least he’s coming back with good news for me, right? Wait, why is everyone so quiet all of a sudden? GODDAMNIT.
Cersei down. And out.
*All graphics used are in fun. They do not belong to us, but to the powers that be at HBO and Game of Thrones. No copyright infringement intended.