DIRTY GIRLS: WHO RULES THE WORLD?
Are you ready for the season finale?!
Candi: On the last opening credit, I actually watched them. And then I fell asleep. And woke up, and they were STILL ROLLING!!!
What?! In the “previously on” part they did not show Arya. What the hell? I’m going to be so upset if I don’t get to see Arya tonight. Oh my god, you guys! The House Stark sigil is back on Winterfell in the opening credits!!!! This gives me so much joy!
The finale opens in King’s Landing with Cersei in her chambers staring out at the Sept of Baelor. She’s wearing this all black ensemble and it seems very un-Cersei-like. Next we see scenes of Tommen, Margaery, and the High Sparrow getting dressed. Today is the big trial day. No wonder she’s all in black! The church bells are tolling and it all seems very ominous. We see people start piling into the sept for the trial and then we see Loras cowering in his cell. Lancel and some other Faith Militant soldiers come at him with a knife. Oh snap, time for Loras to get the Cersei-do!
Candi: What the fuck is going on? Are they preparing for a devil worshiping séance or some shit??
Next the Sparrow and his men walk into the sept. Margaery and her father are there waiting. Tommen is dressed and in his chair back at the castle. One of his men comes in to tell him the trial is getting underway soon. He just sits there and looks sad. Is he worried about what he’s condoning his mother to today? Surely the High Sparrow will come up with some terrible punishment for her. Cersei’s handmaiden is outfitting her with silver chains on her dress, and I’m really trying to figure out this outfit because I’ve never seen her dressed like this before. She looks like she’s going into battle.
Then we see Maester Pycell getting dressed and oh look! He has a hooker in his room. He’s so gross. Glad he gets to sit in judgment of Cersei and Loras when he’s probably done his fair of shit to require atonement. He rudely dismisses the woman and heads out on his way to the trial, but he encounters one of the urchin kids who runs up and whispers something to him.
Candi: Is he one of the gods with a HOOKER????
The Faith Militant guys bring Lancel in for the trial. He looks ragged and disheveled but his head is not bleeding as much as Cersei’s was when they cut her hair off. I’m just saying. The High Sparrow starts in on Loras asking him if he’s prepared to stand trial. Loras announces there will be no need for trial because he confesses to all of his sins including but not limited to lying with other men, even Renly the traitor, plus he’s guilty of depravity and dishonesty. He wishes to humble himself before the Seven and accept whatever judgment the gods see just. The High Sparrow gives his spiel about the Mother’s mercy to those who kneel before her, and Loras takes his cue and kneels. I get the sense this was all planned out in advance by Margaery and the High Sparrow. Loras says he wants to devote his life to the Seven. He’ll abandon all his right, title, land, and he’ll never marry or father children. The Sparrow asks him to dedicate his life to the gods and to fight for them. He will. With a nod from the Sparrow, Lancel and the others grab him and pull out a knife. Holy shit! They are going to mark him! They’re going to carve that star symbol into his fucking forehead. Maybe he didn’t intend to sign up for all that?! Jesus. Lord Tyrell has an outburst and Margaery stops him in his tracks and reminds him that faith is the way. What the hell is her game? I keep waiting for some master plan to be revealed.
Candi: Ahhhh!! So that’s how they get those scars on their faces.
Back at the Red Keep, King Tommen’s door swings open, and he finally gets up from his chair and says he’s ready but when he turns around, he sees it’s the Mountain that opened the door, not his servant. He tries to brush past the Mountain saying he’s late for the trial, but the Mountain puts his hand up to keep him in the room. Hm. What the hell is happening? Meanwhile, Cersei is still hanging out in her room staring out at the Sept.
Over at the Sept, Lancel’s forehead is a bloody fucking mess, and Margery accuses the High Sparrow of mutilating him. She’s finally showing him some of her attitude because the Sparrow gave her his word that Loras wouldn’t be harmed. He believes he’s kept his word because once the Queen Mother’s trial is over, Loras will be allowed to leave. Ah. So that’s the deal. They sell Cersei out for whatever will come from this trial and Loras gets to walk away. Margaery asks where the Queen Mother is, while Lancel comes over to announce that King Tommen still hasn’t appeared yet either. The Sparrow thinks this is typical Cersei shenanigans because she doesn’t want to attend her own trial. He orders Lancel and his men to go see what’s up. There’s another shot of Cersei as she pours herself a hefty glass of wine and walks to the window to look at the sept once more.
Outside all is quiet, and Lancel sees a young urchin kid running down the stairs of the sept. Lancel chases after him because the kid looks suspicious. He follows him down into the underground stairway beneath the sept.
Meanwhile, Pycell is going down a different stairway and gets lured into Qyburn’s creepy workroom. Pycell wants to know what the hell is going on and where the king is, but Qyburn tells him he bears him no ill will and asks him to please forgive him if he can. A bunch of the urchin kids, Varys’ little spiders, come out of the shadows. They all have knives. Qyburn says before we can usher in the new, the old must be put to rest. Holy shit. Pycell gets stabbed and murdered by about 20 kids who are actually pretty terrifying, but I’m not sad about this at all. I can’t stand that old fucker.
Candi: Who the fuck are these children of the corn?!!!! I’m so confused!!!
Paula: Okay, I’m confused already. Who are these freaky looking murdering kids? Did I miss something?
Lancel is still chasing after that kid in the passages under the sept and finds the flame he dropped. Suddenly the kid appears out of the shadows and stabs Lancel! Oh my god! You guys! It just hit me! I know what this music reminds me of!!! They’ve been playing this sort of haunting music all along and it totally reminds me of The Godfather during the christening scene when Michael finally gets his revenge and took care of all the family business! EEEEp!!! Cersei’s revenge is here y’all because now we see the infamous caches of the Mad King’s wildfire. Barrels upon fucking barrels of it! And Lancel sees it too! He’s still alive, but wounded.
In the Sept, Margaery realizes something is up because Cersei and Tommen are still MIA. She knows Cersei would do anything to protect her son so the fact that he’s not there is a huge red flag. The High Sparrow isn’t fazed. He thinks she’s trying to hide from the trial, but he’s so far up his own ass with his newly found power that he expects it to work out as he planned. Margaery knows Cersei’s not there because she’s not worried about the consequences of her actions.
Back to Lancel and the wildfire, he sees way down the end of the hall that there are 3 little candles almost burned out on top of a wildfire puddle. Eeep! Margaery starts to get really nervous now and announces that everyone needs to leave. She goes to grab Loras who looks ready to pass out, and she begs him to stay with her so she can get him out of there. She heads for the doors but the High Sparrow commands his army to keep everyone there. There’s a bit of mass panic happening now because Margaery is clearly agitated and everyone is trying to get out.
Lancel is crawling closer to the wildfire and damn! What’s going to happen?! Do I want it to catch on fire? I don’t know! I really hate that damn High Sparrow and stupid Lancel! EEEp! Lancel tries to blow it out.
In the Sept, Margaery and Loras have their heads together and are embracing while Lancel is almost there and holy shit the candles burn out and ignite the wildfire! The wildfire blows up Lancel!!!! It’s a huge green ball of fire and everyone in the Sept can hear it rumbling underneath them! Oh my god! The floor of the Sept bursts open and the High Sparrow goes up in flames and it’s fucking amazing! Take that, you old fucker.
Candi: Holy. Fucking. Great balls of fire!!!!!!!!!!
Paula: Uh, what just happened? What was that glowing green stuff? I may need to rewind.
Back at the castle, Cersei smiles as she watches the Sept blow to smithereens and takes a sip of her wine. Holy fucking shit! She just wiped out all of her immediate enemies in one fell swoop along with hundreds of innocents. King Tommen is also watching from his room and appears to be in shock. He knows his wife just got blown up!
Down in the dungeon somewhere Cersei has Septa Unella tied to a table! Holy shit! She pours wine on her face. Cersei starts chanting, “confess.” Oh my god! Now she pours a whole jug of wine on her face. The septa can’t breathe! This is wine-boarding at its finest (thanks for the line, CM!). Cersei keeps chanting, “Confess!” Cersei wants Unella to admit that it felt good to starve Cersei and beat her and humiliate her. She thinks Cersei understands doing things because they feel good. For instance, she drinks because it feels good (preach), she killed her husband because it felt good to be rid of him (he was an ass to her), she fucks her brother because it feels good having him inside her (swoon), and she lies about fucking her brother to keep their son safe from hateful hypocrites like Unella (people are so judgie about that incest thing and rightful claims to the throne). Cersei leans over her and gloats that she killed Unella’s High Sparrow and all his little sparrows, his septons and septas, and all of his filthy soldiers because it felt good to watch them burn. It felt good to imagine their shock and their pain and no other thought has ever given her greater joy. Damn! She admits that even confessing feels good under the right circumstances. Cersei caresses Unella’s face. Ew! She’s really good at this creepy torturer routine! She reminds Unella that Cersei promised her that her face would be the last thing she saw before she died. Unella finally speaks. She tries to act tough and says, “Good, I’m glad to meet the gods.” Cersei snorts like not today, cupcake! She says Unella’s not going to die today. In fact, she’s not going to die for quite a while.
Cersei calls for Ser Gregor aka the Mountain and he walks in and removes his Kingsguard mask! Oh my god. I’m scared. He looks so gross and bloated like some giant gray-faced beast. Cersei mocks Unella because her gods have forsaken her. The Mountain is her god now. Ser Gregor walks up to the table and the woman is screaming while Cersei leaves them to it and bolts the door behind her. As much as I hated Septa Unella, I don’t even want to think about the kind of torture the Mountain is putting her through. We’ve heard stories about all the raping and brutalizing he did back before he became Cersei’s monster. *shudders*
Candi: Karma is a bitch. Omg no wonder why he wears a mask.
Paula: Is Cersei wasting her wine on that woman?
King Tommen is still watching the smoke billow out of the sept. He removes his crown and then steps out of the frame. All we can see is the view of the destroyed Sept and the billowing smoke. Then Tommen marches right up to the window ledge and just leans forward and sort of floats out the window. Holy shit! The kid just committed suicide. Jesus. Poor Tommen. Um … who’s in charge now?
Candi: Jesus Christ. They are dropping like flies. No pun intended. Long live the king.
Paula: Well what the fudge. He just walked out the window.
Over in the Riverlands, Walder Frey is hosting a dinner and giving a toast to celebrate their accomplishment of taking back Rivverrun. He says their hated phrase from the Red Wedding, “The Freys and the Lannisters send their regards.” Jaime doesn’t look too impressed with the speech as he and Bronn are enjoying a drink together over dinner. A beautiful young serving girl comes over and is making eyes at Jaime as she pours their drinks. Bronn gets grumpy because Jaime doesn’t have to do a single thing and women are falling all over him (kind of like these “male” authors on Facebook)! Jaime tells him he’s welcome to the girl and points out two more women that are giggling and watching them. Jaime says they are not his type but Bronn should go for it. Bronn snarks that they aren’t blonde enough for Jaime. He really likes to give him shit about his relationship with Cersei. It cracks me up! Jaime calls the two women over and introduces them to Bronn and off they go!
Now that Jaime’s alone, that old fucker Walder Frey sits down next to him. Ugh. This guy is the worst. He’s a boastful, bloated asshat and is super proud of himself for being back on top. He’s gloating about the Blackfish being killed by foot soldiers. This rankles Jaime and he asks Lord Frey if he ever fought back in his day. Clearly he was never a fighter. Jaime fucks with him and calls him a great conqueror, but Frey doesn’t care if they mock him because everyone’s always mocked him. He brags about the two of them being a couple of kingslayers. Uh-oh. You know how Jaime feels about that. Frey says it doesn’t matter if he’s the one actually fighting because all that matters is fear. Jaime points out that the people don’t actually fear the Freys. They fear the Lannisters. Jaime wonders why they even bother to keep the Freys around if they have to bail them out every time Frey loses the Riverlands. Burn! My spidey senses were going off in this scene. I kept waiting for Jaime to kill him!
Back in King’s Landing, Qyburn and Cersei are in a room looking at the King’s dead body. Qyburn isn’t exactly sure how to proceed with the funeral since, you know, she just blew up the sept! She wants him to be with his grandfather, brother, and sister. She instructs Qyburn to have his body burned and to bury his ashes where the sept once stood. Is it just me or is Cersei stone-cold here? How does she feel knowing that her son committed suicide because of her? I’m sure she was pissed that Tommen hung her out to dry by taking away her right to trial by combat, but she prevented him from going to the sept to protect him. As Tyrion once said, her one redeeming quality is that she loves her children and would do anything to protect them. What happens now that the last of her children is murdered? I guess that old witch that foretold her prophecy was on point. Eeeep!
Next we see a horse and cart pull up and drop off Gilly, Sam, and the baby to Old Town. I forgot all about them! It looks like a pretty cool place! The Citadel, where they train the maesters, is impressive and there are hundreds of white ravens flying around. Once they are inside the Citadel, Sam hands over Jon’s letter announcing that Sam is to be trained as a maester for the Night’s Watch. The guy reviews his record books, which show that Lord Mormont is still Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch. Sam has to explain about Maester Aemon dying and that’s why they didn’t send word to the Citadel about the change in command to Jon Snow. The receptionist dude thinks this is all highly irregular, and he’ll have to discuss it with the arch maester. In the meantime, Sam’s permitted to use the library. Gilly tries to accompany him but the guy is horrified and says no women and children are allowed. Sam leaves Gilly and the baby behind and walks into the library and it’s straight up magnificent. It’s floors upon floors and has really cool orb things hanging from the ceiling. Sam found his happy place! But what’s he going to do with Gilly and the baby? How rude to just leave them out there.
Paula: Hm. What is this library stuff with Sam? I don’t think I ever really paid attention. Is he like the master of the library now?
At Winterfell, a white raven is flying towards the castle. Jon is in the grand dining room and Melisandre walks in. He’s standing behind the head table and tells her that when they would have a feast when he was a kid they’d all sit at the table and Jon would sit way down at the other end of the room because he was the bastard son. Awww. How sad. She tells him it could have been a lot worse because at least he had a home and a feast. He knows she’s right, and acknowledges that he was luckier than most.
Davos comes marching in all pissed off and throws Shireen’s stag at Melisandre. Oh snap! Jon asks what it is and Davos starts shouting at her to tell Jon what she did. She replies that they burned the Princess Shireen at the stake. Damn. Davos wants to know why. She said the army was stretched and the horses were starving, and because the Lord of Light commanded it. Davos says if her lord orders her to burn children at the stake, then he’s evil. She said they are all only standing there today because of the lord, and he brought Jon back to life. Davos says he loved Shireen like his own daughter and she was good and pure and Melisandre killed her! She admits to that but says so did her father and her mother. They knew it was the only way. He said she lied about Stannis being the one true king. She denies lying, but admits she interpreted the signs wrong. Davos wants to know how many died because she was wrong. Davos asks Jon if he can execute Melisandre for murder. Hm. This puts Jon in an awkward spot, I think. Jon asks if she has anything to say for herself. She said she’s been willing to die for many years but the lord isn’t done with her yet. Jon’s seen the Night King and she knows she can help Jon win the war with the dead. Jon walks up to her and instructs her to ride south today because if she returns to the north, he’ll have her hanged as a murderer. He stares her down, and she puts Shireen’s stag on the table. On her way out, Davos tells her if she ever comes back this way, he’ll execute her himself. Snap! I’m glad Jon sent her packing! But I’m even sad for her in a way. She’s obviously lived a very long time (per her crone-self), and seems to be weighed down with the burden of her choices. I imagine Shireen’s death isn’t the only one she regrets.
Later, Jon’s at the tower and watches her ride off as Sansa joins him. He tells her he’s having the Lord’s chamber prepared for her. She’s surprised he’s giving her their parents’ room. She thinks Jon should take it. He says he’s not a Stark. Sansa promises him that he’s a Stark to her. He tells her she’s the Lady of Winterfell, and she deserves it because they are only there because of her. The battle was lost until the Knights of the Vale came. Ah so now we’re finally going to address this! Jon asks about Littlefinger selling her to the Boltons. She confirms he did. Jon wants to know if she trusts him. She thinks only a fool would trust Littlefinger. She apologizes for not telling him about her situation with Littlefinger and the Knights of the Vale. Jon walks over to her and says they need to trust each other. They can’t fight a war amongst themselves because they have so many enemies now. He reaches up and grabs her face and pulls her down to kiss her forehead. Awww. The tender moments between these two really warms my heart. Jon begins to walk away, but she calls him back to tell him a white raven flew in from the citadel. She proclaims, “Winter is here.” They both smile at that phrase, the one their father used all the time, and Jon looks up at the sky and says father always promised it would. This makes me teary. Winter isn’t coming anymore, folks. Winter is here.
Way down in the warm south, Granny Tyrell is visiting Dorne with Ellaria Sand and her Sand Snake daughters. We haven’t seen them in ages! Granny is dressed all in black in mourning. She is her usual blunt self as she gives them shit because the last time a Tyrell was invited to Dorne, he was murdered. The women tell her she has nothing to fear from them. She’s like you murdered your own prince and you want me to trust you? The girl says we asked for you because you need us and we need you. Granny orders the younger women to quiet down so the grown women can speak. Ellaria proposes that their two houses make an alliance against the Lannisters in order to survive. Granny says Cersei killed her future: her son, her grandson, and her granddaughter. It is not survival she’s after. Ellaria perks up at this. She says she misspoke. They aren’t offering Granny survival; they are offering her her heart’s desire. Granny asks what her heart’s desire is. Ellaria rings a little bell and Varys walks out! Ellaria says they can give her vengeance and justice and Varys chimes in with “fire and blood.” The words of House Targaryen!!!! Holy shit this is awesome! Dany just acquired two more Houses for her cause. Yay!
Paula: Oh my goodness, I love Granny.
Over in Meereen, Daario walks in to Dany’s cambers and tells her the ships are almost ready. He can’t wait to see how the Dothraki handle the sea. She informs him he won’t actually see that as he’ll be staying in Meereen to keep the peace. He says, “Fuck Meereen! I just want you.” She tells him he swore his allegiance to her, whatever she needed. She can’t bring him with because she may need to make alliances when she gets to the Seven Kingdoms, which could potentially include a marriage. Wait. Who is there left for her to marry? Daario wants to know if she’s a queen or fish bait. She says she can’t bring her lover with her, but he thinks she can because if she were a king, she wouldn’t think twice of bringing a mistress. He wants to be with her, he doesn’t care who sits next to her on the throne. He gets down on one knee and says he loves her and knows he makes her happy and asks her to bring him with and let him fight for her. She caresses his face and tells him she can’t. He looks shocked and stands up. He’s like goddamn that dwarf! He suspects it was Tyrion’s idea. She’s says no one tells her what to do. She asks him not to get angry, and he tells her he’s not angry. He’s just sad because who could ever follow Daenerys Stormborn? She smiles and says she’s sure there are tons of women who will. She’ll leave specific orders on how he’s to handle Meereen and the newly named Bay of Dragons. No more Slaver’s Bay! He thinks she’ll get the throne she wants so badly and hopes it brings her happiness. He also pities the lords of Westeros because they have no idea what’s coming for them. She bids him farewell, and that’s it! Poor Candi is going to be pissed! No hot guy and dragon lady sex for her!
Candi: Oh dragon lady and hot sexy dude!! Please let them have end of season sex!!! Omg yes!! He does!! He will! So happy!! He loves you!!! Say yes!!! Yes!! YES!!! Omg WHAT THE FUCK SAY YES!!!! Why?!?! He loves you. He wants YOU!!! Not the crown!! You!!!
Later, Dany goes into her throne room and Tyrion asks how Daario took the news, which shows us that Tyrion did indeed suggest that Daario be left behind. She says Daario took it well and there were no tears. Tyrion is impressed with her commitment because she turned down a good man who loves her, and it was a good sacrifice because he would have been a liability in the Seven Kingdoms. Good rulers make hard sacrifices. He wants to know how Dany feels now that it’s all actually happening. Dany has her dragons, and her army, and her ships, and everything she’s wanted since she knew how to want. It’s all hers for the taking now. Is she afraid? She admits she is afraid. Tyrion is happy with this response because she’s in the great game now and it’s fucking terrifying. The only people who aren’t afraid are mad men like her father. She tells him that the thing that frightens her most is that she said farewell to a man who loves her, a man she thought she cared for, and she felt nothing. She only felt impatient to get on with it. Damn. Tyrion replies that Daario wasn’t the first man to love her, and he won’t be the last. Dany laughs a little and says that Tyrion has completely failed to console her. Tyrion responds that for what it’s worth, he has been a cynic for as long as he can remember and he was told his whole life to believe in things. He didn’t believe in any of it. Not family or rulers or names or anything but here he is, and he believes in her. It’s kind of embarrassing for him to admit how much he believes in her, and he’d even swear his sword to her but he doesn’t actually have one. She tells him it’s his council she needs, and he vows that it is hers for now and always. She pulls out a gift that she had made for him and it’s the Hand symbol. Oh my god! She pins it on his vest and says, “Tyrion Lannister, I name you Hand of the Queen.” Awww! Tyrion is verklempt and bows to her. Tyrion receiving this honor by Dany is nothing short of amazing. He didn’t get it because of his name or who his father was. He got it because he’s proven himself to her. This scene made me teary because it meant so much to him. He earned this. He’s finally getting the validation he should have had when he saved King’s Landing back when he was Hand to Joffrey, that sniveling little shit. All of his life people have doubted him because of his size but he is so fucking smart and has so much to offer and he’s finally found a woman who appreciates his talents!
Candi: That little fucker. It’s all his fault. OFF WITH HIS HEAD!!!!! I’m back to hating. She could of at least given him a goodbye romp. Wtf.
Paula: I swear this music is my favorite part of the show. Gives me chills.
Back at Walder Frey’s house, the pretty serving girl who was giving Jaime the eye brings Walder Frey a meat pie of some sort. That thing is huge. He’s alone in the dining hall and wants to know where his sons are. She replies they are here, my lord. He looks around and says they need to get in here because he’s tired of waiting for them and wonders if they are carving their cunt hairs. Haha. The serving girl replies again that they are here. She nods to the pie. Walder Frey is thinking what the fuck is going on and he peels back the top layer of the pie and there’s a fucking toe or finger or some other body part in it! Holy shit! She says, they weren’t easy to carve, especially Black Walder. Then she rips off the face mask and IT’S ARYA!!! Holy fucking shit!!!! She announces, “My name is Arya Stark. I want you to know that. The last thing you’re ever going to see is a Stark smiling down at you as you die.” Then she slits his fucking throat from ear to ear and holds his head as he bleeds out. In that single move, she’s taken her revenge for the Red Wedding. She keeps her word and smiles down at him as he dies. The look on Arya’s face here is pure gold. I am so fucking happy that Arya is back! She’s no longer a girl pretending to be no one. She’s Arya Stark and she has her kill list, motherfuckers! And maybe all the training with the House of Black and White was part of her master plan. Now she’s a trained assassin and her enemies better look the fuck out! She hasn’t forgotten who she is and she’s going back to kill the people on her list that have wronged her family. I think almost everyone she wanted to die is dead … except Cersei.
Paula: What was in that pie? Eyeballs? It was so dark I couldn’t see. I just laughed cause eyeballs and I couldn’t see. Oh me. This show has slowly driven me mad.
Over at Winterfell, Sansa is sitting under a weirdwood tree, when Littlefinger appears and worries he’s interrupting her prayers. She tells him she’s done with those foolish notions like praying. She went there everyday as a girl and prayed to be somewhere else. She was a stupid girl. Littlefinger says she was just a child. She wants to know what he wants. He tells her he thought she knew what he wanted. She said she was wrong. No, she wasn’t. Every time he’s faced with a decision he closes his eyes and sees the same picture. Everything he does is based upon that picture. It’s Littlefinger on the Iron Throne with Sansa by his side. Jesus. Sansa takes a deep breath and puts her hand out to stop him as he moves forward to kiss her. She says it’s a pretty picture and walks away. He yells out that news of the battle will spread quickly. He’s declared for House Stark. She tells him he’s declared for other houses in the past and his word isn’t any good. He counters that the past is done, and she is the future of House Stark. Who will the north rally behind? A trueborn daughter of Ned and Catelyn Stark, born at Winterfell, or a motherless bastard born in the south. Sansa walks away from him. Fuck you, Littlefinger! I do not like that he’s trying to cause dissension between Sansa and Jon when they finally got shit figured out.
Stop trying to tempt me with your lame promises, Littlefinger!
Benjen delivers Bran and Meera to a place outside the Wall next to weirwood tree that looks really similar to where Sansa and Littlefinger were just talking! He said he has to leave because of the old spells on the Wall. The Great War is coming and he still has to fight for as long as he can. Bran thanks him and he wishes them both good fortune and rides off. Meera helps Bran move closer to the tree. She wants to know if he’s sure he’s ready for this, and he is because he’s the three eyed raven. He touches the tree and is brought back to the Tower of Joy scene with a young Ned Stark.
Candi: This whole part with this kid and his dreams. Really really confuses me.
We can hear Lyanna’s cries and Ned runs up the steps. He busts into the room and sees Lyanna lying on the bed. It looks like Lyanna has been to war as the blankets covering her are all bloody. She’s so happy to see Ned and to see that he’s real. She’s weak and is whispering that she missed her big bother. She tells him she wants to be brave but she’s not. Ned feels the blood on her and doesn’t understand what it’s from. She doesn’t want to die. She tells him to listen to her and leans into whisper while Bran watches it all. She whispers a name. She tells him if Robert finds out he’ll kill him, Ned knows he will. Ned has to protect him. She begs Ned over and over to promise her that she’ll protect him. The midwife brings over the sweetest little baby and puts him in Ned’s arms. The camera zooms in on his face and then zooms in on Jon’s face at Winterfell. FINALLY! Finafuckingly! Jon’s parentage is revealed! Book fans have been sitting on this theory for years and years and it’s so exciting to see it come to fruition! So now we know. Jon Snow is really the son of Lyanna Stark and Prince Rhaegar Targaryen. He’s Sansa’s cousin and Dany’s nephew! Does this mean Jon will be a dragon rider?! P.S. My god, is Jon the hottest man who ever lived because he really looks like it in this close-up scene of his face!
Candi: I don’t even know who these people are in these dreams. Is that baby suppose to be him???? I have no clue.
Jon and Sansa are in the great dining hall at Winterfell hosting the people who fought with them and some of the other great houses. The Knights of the Vale are bitching about siding with wildling invaders. Tormund reminds the dude that they aren’t invaders they were invited! There’s general bickering amongst the crowd and Jon stands up and says he wants to remind them that they all fought bravely together and they won. He quotes his father here, “we find our true friends on the battlefield.” A man says the battle is over, and winter has come! They should ride home! Jon promises them that winter is not over. The true enemy brings the storms. Littlefinger is sulking in a corner giving side eye to everyone.
There’s still grumbling when Lady Mormont stands up and reminds Lord Manderly that his son was butchered at the Red Wedding, but he refused the call. She turns to another man, Lord Glover, who swore allegiance to House Stark but in their hour of greatest need he refused the call, and another lord’s father was skinned alive by Ramsay Bolton, and he still refused the call. But House Mormont remembers. The north remembers. She proclaims they know no king but the King in the North whose name is Stark! This is the same battle cry they raised for Jon’s half-brother (cousin), Robb Stark, at the end of season 1. This gave me the chills! Lady Mormont doesn’t care if he’s a bastard, Ned Stark’s blood runs through his veins (technically this is true since Ned was his uncle)! He’s her king from this day until his last day. She gives Jon a slight smile and sits down, as he looks baffled. This has to remind him of the time he got offered up to be the Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch.
Lord Manderly stands up and says Lady Mormont speaks harshly and truly. His son died for Robb Stark, the young wolf. He didn’t think they’d find another king in his lifetime, and he didn’t commit his cause to Jon’s because he didn’t want more Manderlys dying for nothing. But he was wrong. Young Snow avenged the Red Wedding. He names Jon the White Wolf. The King in the North! Lifflefinger doesn’t look happy. Glover says he didn’t fight beside them on the field, and he’ll regret that till his dying day. He admits he was wrong and asks forgiveness. Jon says there’s nothing to forgive. There will be more fights and House Glover will stand behind House Stark as they have for 1000 years, and he will stand behind Jon Snow. He proclaims him King of the North too. They all stand up and lift their swords and chant, “King of the North!” Lady Mormont smiles and joins in. Sansa and Jon share a look. Then she catches Littlefinger’s eye and ugh! While I’m happy that the men in the north are honoring Jon, I’m a bit annoyed that they arbitrarily named him King without a thought of Sansa, who actually had the smarts to help them take back the north from Ramsay Bolton. It’s like it didn’t even dawn on them that a woman could rule the north.
Back in King’s Landing, Jaime and Bronn ride up to an overlook and see all the smoke billowing from the Sept of Baelor. Oh snap. Jaime looks pissed. Next we see Cersei walking into the throne room with the kingsguard flanking her. She’s dressed in her badass battle looking gear. Jaime comes in one of the side doorways and watches it all. She walks right up to the Iron Throne and Qyburn announces Cersei of House Lannister, First of Her Name, Queen of the Andals and the First Men and Protector of the Seven Kingdoms. He crowns her and she takes her seat on the Iron Throne. Goddamn. She and Jaime share a look and it says so much. Qyburn chants, “Long may she reign.”
Candi: So is the drunk lady back in charge??? Did she have everyone killed?? Good god she’s gone insane!! And her brother does not look happy.
Paula: So what is going on here? Cersei is the iron throne person? You know, what exactly is the iron throne anyways? I just laughed again cause I’m probably supposed to know this.
Next we see Theon on a ship looking at the Greyjoy’s Kraken symbol on their flag. He and Yara are standing on deck while the ships are being prepared for sail. There’s another ship with a badass gold dragon masthead on the front flying the House Targaryen sigil. Damn, she took over those master’s ships and turned them into the Targaryen fleet. You guys! Looks like Varys fulfilled his quest because Dorne’s flags are flying along with some from House Martell. The Khalasar and their horses are on a ship too! Dany’s dragons circle the fleet. All three of them are big and strong and scary as hell. Varys, Missandei, Tyrion, and Dany are on the lead ship. Dany looks fierce, bitches. This scene is amazing. There are hundreds of ships. Dany is FINALLY on her way home to take back the Seven Kingdoms. This puts she and Cersei in direct opposition. Queen vs. Queen. I cannot fucking wait for next season!
Who rules the world? I do.
Paula: I’m just gonna say it. I have an attraction to Reek.
The credits roll.
Candi: My end of season notes. CANDI IS NOT HAPPY!!! No sex. Zero. Nada. Zilch. I mean seriously. Like NONE AT ALL!!! We saw a glimpse of an icky pecker. We saw some flashes of boobs. And an old dude with a hooker. WHAT THE FUCK GoT?!?!! Not cool. Not cool at all.
Paula: Ah that music!! So epic!!
Best hair: The one and only Daenerys Stormborn!
Biggest AS IF: Littlefinger picturing himself on the Iron Throne. Bitch, please.
Biggest Fist Pump: I’m torn because I don’t really support mass murder, but I was pumped to see the High Sparrow light up! I do, however, support Arya Stark getting revenge against the people on her kill list! When she ripped off that face and revealed herself, I was so happy! I double fist pumped at her speech when she slit Frey’s throat. Take that, you crusty old fuck!
Final Thoughts: So what will Cersei do now? Rule with an iron fist? I think we all know she’ll be a terrible queen because as much as I’ve grown to love her, she doesn’t care about anyone but her family and they are all dead now except Jaime. She should enjoy the throne while it lasts because my girl Daenerys Stormborn is coming. Think about it, Cersei makes choices because they feel good, Dany makes choices for the good of her people.
Man, you guys. Another season is over. It’s sad, isn’t it? There were a couple episodes this season that dragged a bit, but my god. These last two episodes wiped out anything before it. This was the most delicious finale ever! Last year, I predicted the women would be on top this season, and I’m so happy that happened! I’m so glad everyone can see what this series is about to me. It’s about women taking control in a time when they weren’t meant to have power. They are generally treated like property by their male relatives but these women have all risen up based on their own actions. It’s an amazing triumph of turning the patriarchy on its head. Long live the women!
Thanks so much to everyone who reads our recaps! We really appreciate you! An extra thanks to Candi and Paula for sticking through another season of a show that confuses the hell out of them! You’re the best! Thanks to Kayti and Gray for playing along with us! And thanks, of course, to Paula for turning me into the Khaleesi for another season!
KAYTI McGEE: SRSLY CERSEI
So… you guys like my dress? I was channeling kind of a Rihanna vibe, and I think it’s totes working. It looks nice against my new chair. Side note: looks like my will includes only Frankenmountain now, and I’m srsly not even that sad because the third time was NOT a charm when it came to having kids. The third one was a lemon. Anywho, I have to run, I’m having the septa for wine. TTYL Westerosis.
J.R. GRAY: JAIME RANTS
I’m torn between the hotness and having killed a bitch for this shit before. I think I’m screwed next season.
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