DIRTY GIRLS: DON’T FORGET TO FEED YOUR DOGS
Are you ready for the Battle of the Bastards?
The “previously on” showed Princess Shireen and Davos when he gave her that stag! What is that about? Oooh are we going to see Dany and the Greyjoys tonight?! I’m pumped! Also, did I ever tell you guys about Jayson Werth, the Nat’s player, who has the GoT theme music as his song when he goes up to bat? I heard it at a game one time, and I got so excited!
Candi: I just beat 4 levels on Candy Crush. Which basically equals 4,538 consecutive games played. And…..the credits are still rolling.
We open with a cannonball being aimed at Meereen. Holy shit the city is still under attack and this imagery of the cannonballs lighting up the sky and all the smoke is actually really cool. Dany is watching from one of her balconies in the Pyramid. Tyrion comes in and shuts the door and tells her that despite appearances, she’ll see the city is on the rise and things are looking up. Oh my god. This made me laugh! I love him! Dany doesn’t look amused though. Her look basically says what the fuck did you do to my city? But when she left, her city was under attack and like Tyrion said, despite appearances, he did garner some strides … until the attack, of course. He explains that the masters need to attack Meereen because if they don’t it will show everyone that the masters are useless. Dany asks, “Shall we begin?” He seems surprised that they have a plan. Of course, she has a plan. She will crucify the masters, set their fleets on fire, kill all the soldiers, and return their cities to dirt. Typical Daenerys response, but Tyrion reminds her about how her crazy father planned to burn all of his citizens in King’s Landing by using caches of wildfire and that’s why Jaime had to kill him, to stop the destruction. She thinks it’s apples and oranges, but he believes that anytime you talk about burning entire cities to the ground it’s the same thing. He suggests an alternate approach.
Next we see Dany, Tyrion, Missandei, and Grey Worm, along with a few Unsullied, discussing terms of surrender with the three masters. The masters propose that they’ll take back the Unsullied and Missandei (gasp), slaughter her dragons and send her off like the beggar queen she is! AS IF! Dany’s like bitch, please. Obviously you misunderstood because we’re here to talk about your surrender not mine. He tells her that her reign is over. She says her reign has just begun! Drogon appears like a dragon out of hell and flies around and lands on the big Pyramid. He does some impressive preening and then swoops down to land right next to Dany and gives her a bit of a cuddle and puts a wing down for her to climb aboard, they fly off and start circling the fleet of ships. Everyone just watches in awe. I imagine it’s one thing to hear about the Mother of Dragons, but to actually see it up close and personal? To see all that power unleashed by her command? That is fucking impressive! This is what I love to see! And oh my god! Rhaegal and Viserion bust out through the wall of their underground prison! Damn! The three dragons are reunited! Holy shit! Ok, so I think it’s pretty clear at this point that Dany can definitely communicate with and command her dragons.
Paula: I hope I can get Angie on that dragon. Update-I couldn’t.
On the ground outside the pyramid, we see the Sons of Harpy dudes slaughtering townspeople when Dany’s Khalasar, led by Daario, comes riding in and starts killing all those mofos! There are thousands of them! Meanwhile, Dany’s dragons are circling in the sky and light one of the ships on fire! Dude! Seeing three grown dragons breathing fire onto those ships is so cool! The CGI on this show is really impressive! I don’t know about you guys but this shit looks real to me! Ok, Dany’s not going to burn all the ships, right? Just this one to prove a point? She needs these ships!
Paula: Lots and lots of heads flying everywhere.
Back to negotiations, Grey Worm gives the masters’ soldiers/slaves one choice. They can fight and die for the masters that would never die for them, or leave and return to their families. These dudes are smart as they run off and leave the masters without protection. Tyrion steps forward and thanks the masters for the armada, as their queen does love ships. Haha. Tyrion isn’t pleased that they violated the pact they made with him and brought war upon them. Missandei speaks up to announce the queen has decided one of them must die to pay for their violation. There’s some back and forth about which master shall die and two of them give up the one guy. They say he’s an outsider and a low born and not really one of them. The man falls to his knees begging Grey Worm not to murder him. Grey Worm walks over and handily slits the throats of the other two masters and lets the “new” one live. Tyrion walks up to the shocked man, and puts his hand on his shoulder. He orders him to return to his home and spread the word that he’s only alive by the grace of her majesty. He’s to remind anyone who tries to go back to the slave ways of what happened when Daenerys Stormborn and her dragons came to Meereen. Everyone walks away while the man sits there in shock. By the way, how cool is it that Dany gives her trusted advisors, Grey Worm, Missandei, and Tyrion the power to negotiate with these masters who clearly think they are beneath them? It’s magical!
Over in the north, Jon, Sansa, Davos, Tormund, and Lady Mormont are on their horses waiting to parlay with Ramsay Bolton’s men. Isn’t it all civilized how they meet in advance like this before the big battles? I guess that’s how they used to do it back in the day. Jon and Sansa are in front of their crew, and he tells Sansa she doesn’t have to be there. Of course, she does. She wants to see him face-to-face. Ramsay and crew ride over and he eyes up Sansa and calls her his beloved wife and says he’s missed her. He looks to Jon and thanks him for returning Lady Bolton to him. He thinks Jon should go ahead and bend the knee to him and they can all call it a day and go home. He’s such a smug little shit! I really loathe this asshole.
He keeps calling Jon a bastard. He’s taunting him about not having the numbers and how Jon’s just going to lead his men to slaughter. Jon says he’s right, and there’s no need for a battle. Thousands of men don’t need to die, only the two of them. He proposes they end it the old way with Jon and Ramsay in a one-on-one battle. Ramsay smirks a bit and says he’s heard all the stories about Jon Snow and how he may be the greatest swordsman that has ever walked. He doesn’t know if he’d beat Jon in battle but, he does know his army of 6,000 men will beat Jon’s because Jon has half that. Jon wants to know if his men will want to fight for him when he won’t fight for them? Burn! Ramsay looks at Sansa and points at Jon and says he’s good, very good. He wants to know if they’re willing to let their little brother die because they are too proud to surrender. She wants to know if he really has Rickon. Ramsay has that Umber dude pull out Shaggydog’s head and throws it at their feet. Ramsay gives his little evil smile and starts to talk about how they can save Rickon, but Sansa interrupts him, “You’re going to die tomorrow, Lord Bolton. Sleep well.” Take that! Sansa turns around and rides off!
Candi: This little fucker called Jon Snow a BASTARD!!! OFF WITH HIS HEAD!!
Paula: Why am I so excited to see the battle with Ramsay? He’s the most exciting thing on the show lately.
Ramsay grins at Jon, and tells him what a fine woman his sister is. He can’t wait to have her back. He acknowledges Jon is a fine looking man and wonders what part of Jon his hounds will eat first. He hasn’t fed them in seven days and they are starving. Will they eat his eyes first? Or his balls? He departs with, “In the morning then, bastard.” Jon looks all broody as Ramsay and crew ride away.
Back at Camp Operation Take Back Winterfell, Jon and crew are having a strategy session. They are talking about what Ramsay and his men could be thinking and what moves they will make. Tormund is concerned about the free folk fighting the men on horses. It didn’t go so well with them awhile back when Stannis attacked the wildlings. Jon and Davos have plans of digging trenches and claim Ramsay’s men won’t be able to hit them from the side. Davos thinks it’s crucial for Ramsay’s men to charge at them and they need to keep their patience. Sansa just listens to them discuss things and doesn’t say a word. Tormund asks if Jon really thought that cunt would be willing to fight him tomorrow. Jon knows he wouldn’t do it, but he was trying to make him angry because they want Ramsay to attack at full tilt with the way their numbers are so lopsided, it’s imperative that Jon’s side not be the first to attack.
Candi: All this war/battle talk. I can’t keep up. Why can’t the dragons come in and burn all these little fuckers. And Ramsay. God. I hope he dies a thousand deaths.
Paula: Grrr. Could someone light a torch? I can’t even see what’s going on, it’s so dark. In fact, it’s so dark, I see my reflection in the phone squinting my eyes trying to see.
After the other men leave, it’s just Sansa and Jon. She says he’s met the enemy, he’s drawn up his battle plans, and he’s only known Ramsay from the space of a single conversation yet they sit around trying to imagine how to defeat a man they do not know. She lived with him and knows how he thinks. She knows all the ways he hurts people. Why hasn’t Jon asked her opinion? She knows Ramsay won’t fall into any trap. He’s the one that sets traps! Jon gets disgruntled and reminds her that he defended the Wall from far worse than Ramsay Bolton, but he finally asks her opinion on how to get Rickon back. Sansa is brutally honest here. She thinks they’ll never get Rickon back because he is the trueborn Stark son and is a bigger threat to Ramsay than Jon, the bastard, or Sansa, the girl. Jon won’t give up on their brother. Sansa is getting frustrated! She demands that Jon listen to her! Ramsay wants Jon to make a mistake. She warns him to do the opposite of what Ramsay expects. Jon thinks that’s pretty obvious. She’s like well if you had asked me, I would have told you to wait until we had a larger force because we don’t have enough men! Jon insists that battles have been won against greater odds. Sansa is over this conversation, and tells Jon that if Ramsay wins, she will not go back there alive. Jon gently says he won’t ever let Ramsay touch her again. He promises to protect her. She replies, no one can protect her. No one can protect anyone. Damn. Sansa’s a badass, and I love it. I can’t even picture the silly young girl she used to be, dreaming of Joffrey and lemon cakes. What will Arya make of her sister if they are ever reunited? In the early days, the dichotomy between the sisters entertained me, but how alike are they now?
My brother may have the sword skills, but I’ve got the brains. We need more men, obvi! Let’s hope Littlefinger got my letter last week!
Later, Davos and Tormund share a few words about the upcoming battle. It’s a funny conversation to watch because Tormund takes everything literally i.e. when Davos mentions Stannis’ demons, Tormund thinks he actually had real demons. LOL. But hey, he and Melisandre did have that demon smoke baby that killed Renly so he’s not that far off the mark! Whatever differences they have in the way they talk, they both agree that they both supported the wrong kings in the past. But this time, they are betting on Jon Snow and he’s not a king. Tormund offers Davos a jug of rotten goats milk ale or something. He refers to Davos and his people as southern twats. Haha! Davos declines his lovely offer because he doesn’t sleep before battle. Instead he walks and thinks and goes far enough away to shit in peace. Poor Davos has a nervous stomach. I don’t blame you, buddy. The odds for this battle aren’t in your favor.
Jon goes to see Melisandre and mentions that she wasn’t at the war council. She says she’s not a soldier and the only advice she gives him is “don’t lose.” He asks her not to bring him back if he dies tomorrow, but she won’t agree to that. She’ll have to try because she serves the Lord of Light not Jon. He still doesn’t understand why he was brought back. She doesn’t have that answer either. She interprets the Lords signs and he brought Jon back for a reason, whatever it may be. She doesn’t know if it’s only for tomorrow’s battle or a greater issue but the Lord of Light gave her Jon. Melisandre still seems shaken up and despondent. I wonder if she regrets what she did with little Shireen and Stannis?
Davos is on his shit walk now away from camp. He comes across an old pile of wood and surveys the area. He sees the stag he carved for Princess Shireen. Oh shit. He’s a smart man. Does he realize he’s looking at the place where she was burned alive? The imagery in this scene is awesome, by the way. The sun is starting to rise and the colors are beautiful. What will happen in battle?
Back in Meereen, Theon and Yara Greyjoy have arrived and have an audience with Tyrion and Dany. Tyrion is giving Theon shit because he remembers him from way back in season 1 when Tyrion passed through Winterfell. Back then Theon was just a cocky asshole and made jokes about Tyrion’s height. We know Tyrion isn’t amused by cheap humor. Theon tells him it was a long time ago. Tyrion’s like no shit buddy, how’d that work out for you? He questions him about murdering the young Stark boys, and Theon denies killing Bran and Rickon but does admit to doing things that were just as bad or even worse. Yara chimes in and tells them Theon has paid for his wrongdoing.
Dany finally speaks and says they are offering her 100 ships and in return for their ships they want Dany to support Theon’s claim for the Iron Islands. Theon surprises both Dany and Tyrion when he replies that it’s not his claim. It’s his sister’s claim. Dany asks what’s wrong with him and Theon replies that he’s not fit to rule. Tyrion pipes up that at least they can agree on that. Dany asks Yara if the Iron Islands have ever had a queen and Yara replies not more than Westeros. She and Dany share a smile here. Ohhhhh. I like this. Theon informs them that their uncle returned from exile, killed their father, and took the Salt Throne from Yara. Dany says Lord Tyrion told her that their father was a terrible king. Yara responds that they have that in common. Ohhh. I like this attitude. I think Dany likes it too. Dany says that both of their fathers were murdered by usurpers. She asks Tyrion if 100 ships will be enough. He thinks possibly, barely. Tyrion questions whether there are more than 100 ships in the Iron Fleet. Theon assures him there are and their uncle Euron is building more. He tells Dany that Euron is planning to come to Meereen to offer her the ships. Dany wants to know why she should accept their offer. Why not wait for Euron who will have more ships? They tell her that along with the Iron Fleet, Euron plans to offer her marriage and as Yara points out, he also mentioned giving Dany his “big cock.” Dany basically snorts at this as the two women share another look. Dany says she imagines Yara’s offer is free of marriage demands, but Yara counters that she’d never demand but she’s up for anything really. You guys. I’m seriously in love with this situation right now. My wife and I are giddy! There is some definite chemistry between Dany and Yara. Or maybe they just respect each other, but I’m totally shipping them right now.
Theon reminds Dany that Euron is a piece of shit who murdered his own brother, would have murdered he and Yara, and will murder Dany as soon she gives him the Seven Kingdoms because that’s what he wants. She wants to know if they want the Seven Kingdoms. Theon reminds Dany that her ancestors defeated their ancestors and took the Iron Island. Yara promises that all they want is for Dany to help them murder an uncle or two that do not think a woman is fit to rule. Dany says that’s reasonable. There’s that spark again! Seriously! I’m in love! Tryion wants to know what happens when everyone starts demanding their independence. Dany doesn’t think Yara is demanding. She’s asking. And other people are free to ask as well. Dany steps forward to say that all four of them had fathers that were evil men. They left the world worse than how they found it, but that’s not how they are going to do it. They are going to leave it better than how they found it. She informs them that they will support her claim to the Seven Kingdoms and that means they need to support the integrity that comes along with it. This means they need to stop reaving, pillaging, and raping. Yara tells her it’s their way of life. Dany says no more. Yara confirms no more. Yara holds out her arm to Dany and Dany looks to Tyrion. I can’t tell if she’s looking for affirmation or doesn’t understand this weird full arm Iron Island hand shake. Either way, the women shake on it, and I fist pump in delight. Dany and Yara are my new favorite duo!
On the battlefield, Jon’s men are ready to go. Everyone’s on edge! Oh look! There’s the giant, Wun Wun. There are a bunch of St. Andrew’s crosses with flayed men burning on them. No idea who those poor fuckers are! The flayed men sigil has to be the most horrific one in all of Westeros. I hate the Boltons. Fuck, Jon and crew are seriously outnumbered. Ramsay comes forward on his horse. He’s trailing someone behind him with a rope. Of course, it’s Rickon. Ramsay gets off his horse and drags Rickon forward by the rope. Jon must have some crazy back-from-the-dead eyesight because he sees Ramsay and Rickon clear across the battlefield. Ramsay holds up a knife. Eep! Oh no! Jon gets off his horse and walks forward like he’s going to make a move. Ramsay cuts Rickon’s bindings. He asks him if he likes games and says let’s play a game. He orders him to run to his brother. Jon is just watching, and has no idea what Ramsay is planning. I sincerely hope he remembers his Sansa’s advice to not fall into Ramsay’s trap. Rickon starts running and Ramsay pulls out an arrow. Ugh. Poor Rickon.
Candi: Ummm. According to my calculations. The Snow gang = FUCT. Beyond. That’s one big army. Clearly Jon Snow don’t know math!!
Paula: Okay, I’m paused. I need to brace myself and fold some laundry. He’s going to shoot him with that arrow and Jon is going to be sad and I’m going to be sad because Jon is sad. I just know it.
Jon races back to his horse, hops on, and starts charging to save his little brother. Ramsay fires off an arrow and it misses Rickon. We know he’s a better shot than that. He keeps firing off arrow after arrow with each one missing Rickon. Jon gains ground and is almost to Rickon, and he reaches his hand out as he gets closer. He’s almost there and oh my fucking god! Ramsay’s arrow hits Rickon right through the heart just as Jon gets up to him. Shit. This is terrible. Another Stark is dead.
Candi: Omg. That was his brother??!! I know this cause he said so. Are you as shocked as I am?!! I didn’t know he had a brother. Keyword there, HAD!!! Ohhh you are going down Ramsay!!!
Paula: I knew it. Can one person live on this show?
Davos and Tormund exchange looks back at the battle line like what the fuck is going to happen now. Tormund even says “Don’t.” Goddammit. Don’t do it Jon! Jon doesn’t listen to us. He just goes charging directly towards Ramsay’s army. Dammit! Ramsay’s men start firing off arrows like crazy. Davos and Tormund get their army to charge. It’s a fucking clusterfuck! Arrows are flying everywhere! The action shots right now are amazing! The horses are running in slow motion. Jon’s horse gets hit by arrows and he’s on the ground! Ramsay gives his devil’s smirk. Jon’s men are still in the distance behind him as Jon looks forward to see Ramsay’s entire fucking cavalry approaching him.
Candi: And they’re off!!!! May the best man win!!
Oh my god, they are playing the death music! What the fuck Jon snow! You cannot die again! Jon pulls out his sword and takes a fighting stance but there are like 6,000 men on horses charging him and just as they almost reach him, his army suddenly appears and it’s a fucking free for all. Ramsay orders his men to continue shooting arrows. Davos tells his men to stand down with their arrows because he’s afraid they’ll just kill their own men. The battle on the ground is horrific but the visuals are amazing. We can see every move Jon is making. It’s just stab, slice, stab, and slice and stab some more. This is some straight up crazy gruesome combat. Jon’s face is covered in blood from all the men he’s killed. I couldn’t even tell you the number of guys he’s killed so far. It has to be dozens. Men are falling left and right. Jesus. There’s so much death from both sides. Jon just looks like a machine. A killing machine.
Candi: Oh god. Holy fucknuts!!!! I can’t look!!! I looked!!!! WHY!!!!!
God, all this destruction makes me think of him telling Sansa that he’s seen too much death already. The bodies are piling up. Literally hundreds of bodies. Davos can’t wait anymore, he and the rest of their small group of men run into the fray. Ramsay sets another group forward. These men go running with shields and spears. The battle is still going strong. Jon’s on the ground and Tormund stabs a guy. There’s the giant! Bolton’s men come racing up with their shields and spears and fucking surround them. Jon and Tormund just watch it happen. Holy shit. It’s like they are in prison. They are completely surrounded by a circle of men. They march forward with their spears and just start slaughtering Jon’s men. There’s no escape. One of Jon’s men climbs up the pile of bodies, but Umber and crew come charging down the other side and murder more of Jon’s men. Thankfully, the giant is able to displace a few of the shield guys but they are like 20 deep so they can’t charge them. Dead bodies are everywhere and some are missing limbs. It’s just death and destruction as Ramsay sits on his horse in the distance and watches it without getting his hands dirty.
Candi: Ohhhhh the blood!!! So much blood. Everywhere. Blood. Good god. Is everyone’s heart racing?!?! CAUSE MINE IS!!!!! Holy shitballs!!!!
Paula: My eye is twitching from all this blood and guts. If Jon dies again, I’m boycotting the show.
Oh wow you guys, the giant literally just ripped a dude in half like he was a little doll! Tormund and crew try to make an advance but they just cannot get past the shields. This looks fucking bleak, you guys. Ok when are the knights of the Vale going to come riding up? Please, sweet baby jesus! I keep waiting for them to appear, and I’m afraid all my friends will be dead before they do! I pray Sansa’s letter got to Littlefinger in time!
Candi: I love that jolly green giant!!!! We started off rocky. But I’ve grown to love him. He’s like Harry, from Harry and The Henderson’s. Now that’s a good movie! But he’s like him. A Big ole oaf!
Meanwhile, Jon starts to face off against one of Ramsay’s men, but gets trampled by a heard of men trying to escape the shields. Jon is literally being stepped on and walked over. Umber and Tormund are in an epic fight. Jon’s trying to get up but everyone keeps piling on him. He’s buried under all of these bodies. Oh fuck! It looks like Umber’s getting the best of Tormund. There’s the death music again. Goddamn you, GoT! Jon can’t breathe. Oh my god. If he dies buried under all these people, I will cry. He has to live! Oh my god! Fin-a-fuck-ing-ly he escapes from that death hole and is rising above the crowd to catch his breath. He’s in this swarm of men, surrounded by hundreds, and they are packed like sardines in there because the shields have pushed them in so far into the circle. Jon’s lifted himself up and sees all the destruction. He and Davos make eye contact. This is bad, you guys. Suddenly Umber gets distracted by a horn blowing and Tormund bites his fucking ear off. That’s how the free folks do it, sucker! And finally FINAFUKINGLY we see the knights of the Vale with their banners flying. Yay! Praise the old gods and the Lord of Light! Littlefinger kept his promise to Sansa and brought his 5,000 men.
Candi: No!!! Jon Snow can’t die!!! Again lol. I shouldn’t of laughed. That was rude. See. This show is turning me into a bad person.
Next we see Littlefinger and Sansa on horses watching it all go down. Littlefinger looks smug as always. Sansa has a nice little smirk as she watches the tide turn in their favor. The men from the Vale run through and knock the line of shields down. Jon climbs over his body of men with the giant and Tormund to see Ramsay with only two men guarding him. They make eye contact, and Ramsay takes off on his horse while Jon, Tormund, and the giant go chasing after him. Sansa watches Jon and company chase Ramsay back to Winterfell. Once Ramsay gets inside, he has his men barricade the door. The men want to know what they should do now that they’ve lost their army. Ramsay says they can wait them out inside the walls of Winterfell.
Candi: I just killed a spider. I think this show is turning me into a violent person.
The giant starts pounding against the door. Ramsay and his men finally look shocked. Ramsay thought he could stay in Winterfell forever. Jokes on you, asshole! Ramsay walks away as the giant busts in! Poor Wun Wun, he falls to his feet and has about 100 arrows sticking out of him. It’s a free for all again! Jon’s men are fighting the Bolton’s men. Jon and Tormund flank the giant. Oh damn. He’s going to die, and Jon reaches up to comfort him just as the giant gets an arrow in the eyeball and he keels over! Fucking Ramsay!
Candi: Omg. No. I swear to god. If JGG dies. I quit this show!!!!! He can’t die!!!! He died. Fucking Ramsey. Ok. I’ll continue to watch this show, ONLY if Ramsay fucking dies!!!!
We’ll miss you Wun Wun, you had a good run.
Ramsay has his bow and arrows and reminds Jon that he suggested one on one combat. We’ll now Ramsay’s reconsidered and thinks that sounds like a wonderful idea. Jon picks up a discarded shield and starts charging Ramsay as he fires off arrows, but Jon’s shield blocks each of the three arrows and finally, Jon is upon him. He hits him with the shield, knocks him flat on his back, and just starts pummeling him in the face. He punches him over and over and over again. Ramsay’s face is a fucking bloody gory mess. I feel like I can hear his bones crunching. Jon must be running on pure rage at this point. Everyone is watching mesmerized.
Candi: Kick some ass, Snow!!! He got knocked the fuck out!!!! Why didn’t you kill that bastard!!!!
Suddenly, Jon stops mid-swing when he sees Sansa out of the corner of his eye watching him. She looks like she’s holding her breath. Jon stops hitting Ramsay and gets up. And no, he doesn’t stop because it’s too gruesome for his little sister and her delicate female sensibilities. He stops because he knows that she deserves to be the one to kill Ramsay. It’s kind of like Ned’s mantra but backwards … he who gives the sentence swings the sword … she who endured the brutality gets to deliver the death shot.
Later, the flayed man banners come down and the Stark banners go up. Guys. This makes me teary eyed. Everyone is taking care of business on getting the dead bodies picked up yet we see Davos standing around holding the stag he gifted to Shireen while watching Melisandre. Oh snap. She better look out. Men bring Rickon’s body forward and Jon orders his brother to be buried in the crypt next to his father. Gah. This makes me sad. Sansa walks up as they take Rickon’s body away, and asks him where Ramsay is being held.
Next we see a beaten and bloody Ramsay tied up on a chair in the kennels. Sansa is watching him from the other side of the cage when he comes to. He says, “Sansa. Hello, Sansa. Is this where I’ll be staying now? Our time together is about to come to an end. You can’t kill me. I’m part of you.” Eww ewww ewww he’s such a creepy fucker. Sansa tells him, “Your words will disappear. Your house will disappear. Your name will disappear. All memory of you will disappear.” Take that, asshole! Ramsay sees that the side kennel doors are open and one of his hounds starts to come forward, then another one. Two of them start to circle Ramsay’s chair. Ramsay informs her that his hounds will never harm him. She says, he hasn’t fed them in seven days, he said so himself. He claims they are loyal beasts. She counters that they were loyal but now they are starving. He looks at both of his dogs as he’s bleeding like crazy. Oh god. One beast of a dog puts his front legs on Ramsay’s chest and starts licking the blood off his face. Ramsay tries to order the dog down. Oh my god you guys. I’m hiding my eyes, but I have to know what happens!!! The dog gets closer and closer until they are basically nose to nose and holy shit, the dog attacks his fucking face and bites his goddamn jaw off. Holy mother fucking shit. The dogs are ripping him apart!!! Eeeep! This is so gross and so awesome and fuck you, Ramsay Bolton! Sansa watches just long enough to see him get his face eaten off and then she walks away with the sound of his screams and the dogs tearing him apart in the background. Then she smiles. She fucking smiles! Oh my god. My heart is seriously pounding. This may be the most satisfying death I’ve ever seen on this show! How fucking poetic that this sick fuck dies by his own hounds. Victory!
Candi: Ohhhhh that’s why!!!!!! Yes!!!!! Off with his head!!! Or in this case, his face!!! Good boy!! And my life is complete. He’s dead.
Paula: Ya know, this was the grossest episode ever. But yay for Jon not dying! Still lovin’ his new ponytail. *heart eyes*
The credits roll.
Candi: My end thoughts. Ok guys. This is episode 9. And STILL NO DAMN SEX!!! The next episode is the season finale. I swear to god, if they don’t come packed with orgies, threesomes, and sex oh my!! I will be boycotting this show!!
Best hair: The Mother of Dragons!
Biggest AS IF: Those stupid masters thinking they could take Dany out and kill her dragons. AS IF! Or … and truly, I’m sorry to say this, but Jon thinking he could save his brother, Rickon. C’mon, Jon. You’re smarter than that! Oh and of course, the biggest, when Ramsay thinks his starved hounds won’t eat him for dinner. Seriously. Feed your dogs, people!
Biggest fist pump: So many! Dragons! Dany & Yara! Jon kicking ass and taking names on the battlefield! When Jon pulled his way out of that death hole! When he beat the ever loving shit out of Ramsay Bolton! When he left Ramsay for his sister … and the biggest fist pump of all … watching Ramsay get eaten by his hounds and seeing Sansa’s smile. Boom!
Final thoughts: This was quite frankly the most satisfying episode I’ve seen on television in years. YEARS. I was blown away by the acting in this episode. Everyone brought their A-game tonight. I really hope Kit Harrington gets an Emmy for this. Seriously. His battle scenes? I could FEEL those emotions on his face. It was amazing to watch. Plus as much as we hated the character of Ramsay Bolton, you have to hand it to the actor that portrayed him, Iwan Rheon! He did a phenomenal job of playing that psychopath with the perfect mix of horror and humor. He made Ramsay the most hated villain on the show. Excellent work! Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad Ramsay is dead, but I’ll kind of miss having him as that perfect villain that you love to hate.
Plus, big shout out to GoT for keeping the Dany scenes under wraps for this week. I seriously went into this episode thinking the whole hour would be spent on the Battle of the Bastards. I was so happy during the Meereen scenes! Plus. Dany and Yara are solid gold, you guys!
KAYTI McGEE: SRSLY CERSEI
J.R. GRAY: JAIME RANTS
I know most of you have been waiting five long seasons for the Starks to take back Winterfell, but let me remind you that last episode I took a castle without losing a single man. #JustSaying
*All graphics used are in fun with fair use. They do not belong to us, but to the powers that be at HBO and Game of Thrones. No copyright infringement intended.