DIRTY GIRLS: I’M GOING HOME!
Are you ready?
Candi: I just watched 12 Joe Santagato videos during the opening credits. I love him.
We open in Braavos with Lady Crane acting in the play as Cersei grieving over a dead Joffrey. It seems she’s really moving the crowd with her words, and she took Arya’s advice on the whole vengeance thing. The crowd loves her. Backstage she smiles and seems happy with her performance when she notices something odd about her costumes. She moves them aside and discovers a bleeding Arya! Well, damn! So much for thinking Arya had some trick up her sleeve with that whole stabbing incident last week. Lady Crane brings Arya home and stitches her up. Arya asks what happened to the younger actress that tried to murder her, and Lady Crane laughs. She’ll have a hard time finding work as an actress after Lady Crane fucked her face up. She tells Arya the play is moving on to Pentos and invites her to join them. Arya declines because Lady Crane wouldn’t be safe as long as the waif is after her. Arya says she’d like to see the edge of the world one day. Lady Crane offers her milk of the poppy and Arya seems afraid to give up control by taking the drug but Lady Crane tells her she needs sleep to heal. This scene made me sad. When was the last time Arya had a mother figure to take care of her?
Candi: Ok. Just going to say it. I don’t like this girl. The one with no name. There. I said it.
Oh snap, you guys! Some of those scary brotherhood dudes that killed the villagers are hanging around a fire. They are basically pigs and one guy tries to teach the other guy how to kiss and sticks a finger up his ass. Or something. You know how boys are! Just hanging around the campfire violating their friends’ asses! I’m waiting for the Hound to appear to kill them all. Oh look! I didn’t have to wait too long. The Hound is wielding that axe like he used to wield his sword and takes them out in a matter of minutes. It’s pretty damn gory. He’s still out for blood as the dude with the yellow cloak wasn’t among these men.
Candi: HAHAHAHA!! He said twat!! Oh fuck!! Well, there goes my dinner!!
Paula: Oh good god. I guess tonight’s theme is ripping off heads.
In Meereen, Varys and Tyrion are walking around the city surveying a priestess of the Lord of Light preaching about Dany being the savior to the city. Tyrion thinks his handiwork is paying off while Varys is still wary of these religious fanatics. Varys is headed off on some secret mission to help their cause. He’s going to gather ships and friends in Westeros. He and Tyrion bid their farewells, and I wonder if they’ll see each other again. You just never know!
Over in King’s Landing, Cersei is in her chambers when Qyburn comes to warn her that several members of the Faith Militant have been allowed into the Red Keep on King Tommen’s orders, and they want to see her. Oh dear. Lancel, that dummy, is leading the pack with a message from the High Sparrow. He demands Cersei’s presence at the Sept of Baelor. Cersei says she will not leave the Red Keep. Lancel’s men step forward like they are going to make a move to physically take Cersei to the Sept. Lancel instructs the Mountain to stand aside or there will be violence. Cersei chooses violence. The first zealot that tries to take down the Mountain stabs his armor but it gets stuck and then the Mountain basically decapitates him with his bare hands. Holy fucking shit! That was gross. The rest of the Faith Militant watch in shock and cower. Cersei smirks and sweetly gives an offer for the High Sparrow to visit her anytime he’d like. Burn! I’m not even going to lie; I’m totally rooting for Cersei these days.
Candi: Hmmm. Why do these men with forehead tattoos look so familiar???!! Omg. He ripped his head off!!!! What the ever-lovin fudge!!! (I now want fudge.)
Over at Riverrun, Brienne and Pod arrive per Sansa’s instructions to ask the Blackfish to join their fight against Ramsay Bolton. They are surprised to see Riverrun under siege (as astutely pointed out by Pod) by the Lannister army and Brienne spots Jaime, the golden god, riding on his white horse among his men. Sigh. Some of the Lannister men come riding up and Brienne gives them her name and demands to see Jaime Lannister. I’m so excited they are being reunited!
Outside of Jaime’s tent, Pod is hanging out waiting on Brienne when Bronn walks up and puts him in a chokehold. He seems genuinely pleased to see his old compatriot Pod and starts teasing him. Bronn and Pod catch up a bit and Bronn wonders if Jaime and Brienne are in the tent fucking. Hahaha. I love him. He says it’s really annoying the way all the women fawn all over Jaime. I bet, Bronn. Pod doesn’t think they are screwing and instead talks about his sword training with Brienne. Bronn continues to bust his balls as he tries to teach him to fight with his fists instead of a sword.
Paula: I’m finding myself fast-forwarding again tonight. I don’t like all these new people.
Inside the tent, Jaime and Brienne are definitely not fucking. Instead she’s telling him about her Sansa mission. Jaime is a bit torn here because he never actually thought Sansa would survive and even though he’s proud of Brienne for carrying out her mission, this puts him in an awkward position because Cersei is still out for Sansa’s blood since she’s a suspect in Joffrey’s death. Will the powers that be ever figure out that it was Granny Tyrell and Littlefinger that poisoned Joffrey? They bicker a bit over the Freys and Tullys and who has a right to control Riverrun. Brienne reminds Jaime that she knows him. She knows he’s a knight, and he has honor. This seems to move him, but he asks her not to make him choose against his family. Brienne pleads with Jaime to let her talk to the Blackfish. She proposes that she can convince the Blackfish into leaving Riverrun to head north to help Sansa. She asks for Jaime’s word that he will allow them to have safe passage north. He gives her his word, and she attempts to give him back his Valyrian sword since she’s achieved her purpose in helping Sansa. Jaime tells her it’s hers and it will always be hers. Gah. This moved me so much! Before she leaves, she reminds Jaime that her honor would make her fight for Sansa’s kin if it came down to it and she would quite possibly have to fight against him. They are on opposite sides in this war. Jaime tells her he hopes it doesn’t come to that and she leaves his tent.
I may have shitty taste in men, but at least I have excellent taste in my sworn swords!
Next, Brienne is trying to convince the Blackfish to fight with Sansa. He’s stubborn, and doesn’t believe Brienne. He won’t abandon his family seat on the Kingslayer’s word and accuses her of being on Jaime’s side because she has that shiny sword with the lion’s head. She replies that Jaime is not her friend. Awww that’s mean! She explains her promise to protect Sansa and how Jaime gave her the sword for that reason because of his oath to Catelyn Stark. Blackfish finally relents and reads Sansa’s note. Whatever it says in there convinces him that it really is his great-niece, and he reminisces that she sounds exactly like her mother. However, he still won’t leave his home for the Lannisters to take. Brienne knows her mission is over. She asks Pod to find the maester so they can get a raven to Sansa to tell her they failed. Poor Brienne!
Candi: What the fuck is this black fish shit?!! I have zero clue why they keep talking about a fish. (And this is where Ang finds out that I didn’t finish reading her lesson.)
Back at the Red Keep, Cersei, Qyburn, and the Mountain enter the crowded throne room. She asks her Uncle Kevan why she wasn’t informed of the impending royal announcement. He’s a prick and doesn’t let her take her seat next to the King, and instead makes her go into the gallery with the other ladies of court. Where’s Margaery? What’s this royal decree going to be about? King Tommen starts to give a speech. He begins with that bit about the faith and crown being the two pillars that hold up the world. Blah blah blah. They have determined that Loras and Cersei’s trials will be held soon, and the crown has decided that going forward trial by combat is forbidden throughout the Seven Kingdoms. Holy shit! Cersei and Loras will not get to hide behind a sword; they will stand trial before the septons. Damn. I’m actually kind of shocked, but I don’t know why. Did he just sentence his mother to death? If Cersei doesn’t have the Mountain as her sword, she’s doomed. He totally just royally fucked them and played right into the Sparrow’s hand. Cersei needs to get out of dodge as soon as fucking possible. She must feel so betrayed! By her own son! Qyburn whispers to her that his little birds found something out that she’d been looking into. Well maybe she has something up her sleeve after all. C’mon Cersei! You can’t let that power hungry creep beat you!
Candi: Why must they talk in code?? Cause once again, I have no clue what is going on.
Paula: Why does that guy with Cersei have that look on his face? Who is he again? Why doesn’t the Frankenstein guy just kill them all and be done with it?
In Meereen, Grey Worm, Missandei, and Tyrion are discussing the status of the city. Tyrion is still giving them shit for not drinking. How can anyone not drink wine? He gives a toast to the Mother of Dragons and says anyone who doesn’t drink disrespects her. Ha! Now they drink! Tyrion would like to have his very own vineyard one day after Dany takes back the Seven Kingdoms. He’d call it the Imp’s Delight and only his friends could drink it. Cute. He tries to tell them a joke about a Stark, a Martell, and a Lannister, which made me laugh but fell flat for Missandei and Grey Worm. Grey Worm says he doesn’t understand jokes. Missandei doesn’t get it either, but she continues to sip her wine and tells her own joke that’s really bad, and I am cracking up again. Grey Worm announces that was the worst joke he’s ever heard. Missandei said, I thought you never heard a joke? He told her that was a lie. See? He makes jokes too. They all start laughing now. It’s nice to see a moment of levity for all of them. It doesn’t last long as the warning bells start ringing and they all race to the window to see an entire fleet of ships! Missandei warns it’s the masters coming for their property. Shit!
Candi: The little dude!! And yes. I agree. These two should get drunk!! Drink the wine!! They are way too serious!! Awww her joke was cute!! Oh fuck! Talk about a buzz kill!!
Back at Riverrun, Jaime goes to see Lord Edmure where he’s chained to a pole in a clean tent. These are much better accommodations than the Starks gave to Jaime when he was their prisoner. Just saying. Jaime apologizes for the way the Freys treated him. Edmure makes it clear that he wants nothing to do with Jaime, and he knows his uncle will never surrender the castle so they should just kill him. Jaime mentions Edmure’s son that was conceived on his wedding night and the wife he hasn’t seen since that night. Jaime thinks Edmure should be with his family. Jaime can help arrange for them to have a home. Edmure is disgusted with Jaime. He can’t believe Jaime is trying to convince him that he’s a decent man when his people massacred Edmure’s entire family and kept him in a cell for years. Jaime’s basically like “Bitch, please. We were at war.” Edmure accuses him of being an evil man even though he’s a handsome fellow. He wants to know how Jaime lives with himself? I think Jaime always gets his back up when people question his honor. That title of Kingslayer has rankled him since he killed the Mad King.
Jaime decides to tell Edmure a little story about when he was Catelyn’s prisoner. He remembers that she hit him with a rock. Edmure wishes she’d killed him. Here’s the thing, Jaime knew Catelyn Stark hated him, but he didn’t hate her. In fact, he admired her, more than her husband and son. He admired her because of the pure love that she had for her children. It reminded him of Cersei’s love for their children. Edmure doesn’t want Jaime to mention his sister’s name after the Freys and Boltons butchered her on Lannister’s orders. Jaime’s not done with his tale though. He keeps getting closer to Edmure as he mentions again Cat’s love for her children. He said Cersei and Cat would do anything to protect their babies. They would start a war, burn cities to ashes, and even free their worst enemies. It’s “the things we do for love.” Jaime tells Edmure that he loves Cersei and sure Edmure can snicker about that or scorn their relationship, but Jaime loves her and needs to get back to her. Jaime does not give one single fuck about anyone except for Cersei. The only thing standing in his way of getting back to her is this stupid siege. He will send for Edmure’s baby boy and would launch him into Riverrun in a catapult if that meant he could get back to Cersei. He will slaughter every Tully that ever lived if he has to in order to get back to her. Damn. Does Cersei deserve all of that devotion? I feel like this would be a great scene in a romance novel! Well, except maybe the catapulting the baby line. That’s a bit much.
Paula: I hope Jaime isn’t stuck at this castle forever. First of all, I can’t see him because it’s so dark and foggy. Second, it’s boring.
Next we see Edmure Tully walk up to the drawbridge of his family’s castle and demands entry. He’s the rightful Lord of Riverrun and the true heir to the castle. Not his uncle, the Blackfish. But the Blackfish knows this is some kind of trap. He orders the men not to let Edmure in, but the men are torn because Edmure is their rightful lord and they must obey him. They lower the bridge to allow Edmure entry into the castle.
In the distance, Jaime and one of Frey’s sons watch Edmure walk into the castle. Jaime looks so sexy on his white horse! The Frey guy hopes Jaime didn’t trade their best prisoner for nothing! But he doesn’t have to worry as Edmure makes fleeting eye contact with his uncle, then marches up the stairs to the leader of his men. He commands all of the men to lay down their arms and open the gates. The men do as Edmure commands and Jaime’s forces march into the castle. What’s going to happen now? Edmure orders the Blackfish to be put in irons and handed over to the Freys. Damn, that’s harsh! I hope the Blackfish escapes! I hope Jaime’s men keep their promise and don’t kill all the Tully men.
Candi: I have never been more lost than I am right now. So I’m going to stop trying to figure things out. And just enjoy my cookies. Cause these cookies that I’m eating are AMAZING!! That I do know!
Speaking of the Blackfish, he leads Brienne and Pod to an escape route on a boat. I forgot about them! Phew! Glad he’s helping them escape. He refuses to leave with them because he ran from the Red Wedding, and he won’t leave again. He makes a joke about hoping he doesn’t make a fool of himself since he hasn’t had a sword fight in quite some time. Next we see Lannister flags hanging from the walls of Riverrun. I’m sure Catelyn Tully Stark is turning over in her grave right now. Later we see Jaime standing in the towers looking out onto the water. One of his men comes up to announce that the Blackfish died in battle. Jaime doesn’t really respond to this, but it’s one less headache for him. He got the castle back and now he can go back to Cersei. He sees Brienne and Pod escaping via a small boat. I wonder what he’s going to do here but he just holds up his hand in a wave. She sees him and waves back. I’m so glad he let them leave. I wonder if they’ll ever see each other again?
Oh dear. The City of Meereen is under attack by the slavers. They are firing on the city and the pyramid. Shit looks pretty bleak, you guys. Tyrion apologizes because he was wrong in trying to deal with the masters, and Grey Worm basically tells him to zip it because he’s in charge of the army. Grey Worm says they will protect the pyramid. Suddenly there’s a loud noise coming from the top of the Pyramid. Grey Worm and the other soldiers take a fighting stance and open the door and guess what?! It’s Daenerys! We see Drogon fly off in the distance and she walks in like WTF did you people do while I was gone? She looks surprisingly refreshed for just riding in on her dragon!
Candi: Dragon lady!!!!!!!!!
Next up, the Hound comes face to face with those other Brotherhood dudes but they are strung up in nooses. Oh look! It’s his old friends! Beric Dondarrion and Thoros of Myr. I use the term friends loosely as they’ve tried to kill each other in the past, but it seems like they are past all that drama. They want to know what the hell the Hound is doing there. The Hound explains how the hanging men killed his friend but it turns out that’s exactly why they are stringing up their own men. Those men were sullying the Brotherhood’s good name. They bicker a bit about who gets to kill them and they finally concede that the Hound can have two. They won’t let him torture them though. So they hang all the men and then the Hound steals one of the dead men’s boots. Afterwards, they share a meal. They ask the Hound to join them because they think the Lord of Light kept him alive for a reason. Then they talk about how the Lord of Light helped Thoros bring Beric back to life several times (this guy does the same thing the Red Woman did to Jon). This isn’t really resolved, but I suspect the Hound will hang with the Brotherhood now.
Paula: I’m noticing I get my laundry folded during this hour.
Back in Braavos, Lady Crane checks on Arya and she’s still sleeping. She goes into another room and climbs onto a footstool to reach another medicine vile when suddenly a young man appears in her doorway. Next we hear a loud noise that wakes Arya. She cautiously walks into the other room and sees Lady Crane’s dead body. The waif appears and tells her if she had done her job, Lady Crane would have died painlessly. She reminds Arya that the Many Faced God was promised a name. Arya doesn’t wait around to hear the waif say her name. She jumps out the window! Shit! That was a hard fall! She’s on the run with the waif chasing her. She slips into what looks like a bathhouse of some sort. Or maybe a steam room? She runs out the back door and the waif is charging after her and holy shit! Arya dives off another wall and rolls down a million steps. That had to fucking hurt! The waif comes walking down the steps after her. Arya’s wound is bleeding again. You guys. If she dies, I will lose my fucking shit. This waif twunt needs to die! Arya goes stumbling down some stairs leaving her bloody handprint for the waif to follow. She goes into a room with a candle burning… Oh! This is the room that she slept in the night she got Needle back! The waif follows her into the room. Please sweet baby jesus, let Arya kill her! The waif mocks her and tells her it will be over soon. She asks Arya if she wants it on her knees or standing up. Arya slowly pulls out Needle. She is not looking too good! The waif holds up her knife while Arya centers herself and uses Needle to cut the candle light. The room goes dark. You guys! Arya can fight in the dark! Because she was blind! She has to win!
I can’t believe you nobodies are cheering my death!
The scene switches to the House of Black and White. J’agen sees blood trails on the floor and goes down into the Hall of Faces. He follows the blood trail to the waif’s face on the wall. Did you hear that?! Praise the Seven! The waif twunt is dead!!! Yay! Arya is standing behind J’agen with Needle pointed at him. Damn! She confronts him about ordering the waif to kill her. He seems pleased that Arya is alive. He says, finally, a girl is no one. Arya proclaims, “A girl is Arya Stark of Winterfell. And I’m going home.” He smiles at this and watches her leave. I HAVE THE CHILLS!!!
Candi: Sigh. I’m not happy. At all. When will there be sex.
Paula: Thank heavens a girl is finally getting out of there. I never did figure out what that game of faces thing was or why he kept asking her name. I’m not sure I even care.
The credits roll.
Best hair: Dany’s hair looked awesome! Finally.
Biggest AS IF: Stupid King Tommen taking away Cersei’s right to trial by combat!
Biggest Fist Pump: There were a few! When Cersei chose violence, when Dany returned, and when Arya killed the waif, gave her name and said she was going home!
Final thoughts: 1) I love Arya! 2) Only two episodes left! Next week will be the Battle of the Bastards! A lot needs to happen in these next two episodes.
P.S. Candi! You don’t like Arya?! This changes things.
Kayti and Gray are busy vacationing, separately. They’ll be back!
*All graphics used are in fun with fair use. They do not belong to us, but to the powers that be at HBO and Game of Thrones. No copyright infringement intended.