DIRTY GIRLS: THE HOUND LIVES!
Are you ready?
We open up to a nice sunny scene with a lot of greenery and a bunch of people I’ve never seen before building something. OMG! Is that the guy from Deadwood? Is he building a look out? A church? Where are we? Wherever they are there’s food aplenty, and these people look happy. Is anyone happy in Westeros? Who are these people?! Men are hauling huge pieces of lumber and working in harmony. The camera zooms in on one guy. Who will it be? Maybe Gendry? But no … he looks too big … Holy fucking shit! It’s the Hound! The Hound lives!!! I’m so excited!!!! What is happening?
Paula: Ah great. More new people. Ohh look at that playground thing they made.
Candi: Their food never looks appetizing. Ever. What is wrong with this man’s face? Who are these people? Why do they always bring in new people every week?? Just to fuck with Psuka and I. That’s why!
Luckily, my questions are answered right away as the Deadwood guy (it’s definitely him upon closer inspection) and the Hound start chatting. Deadwood mentions how big the Hound is and wonders how many men it took to take him out. The Hound replies it just took one to cut him down. One woman. He’s talking about Brienne, of course! I still can’t believe he survived after Arya left him for dead! Deadwood thought the Hound had been dead for days when they came across him, but was shocked to discover he was actually alive. Seems like this man saved him from death and now he wants to know what kept him going. The Hound replies, “Hate.” Oh dear. Deadwood thinks the gods aren’t done with the Hound just yet. They snark a bit about religion and the man claims that he doesn’t know much about gods and doesn’t buy too much into all the different religions, but he believes there is something greater than all of us out there. Hey! That sounds like my belief system too. The Hound knows he’s done a lot of bad things, but the man assures him he’s heard all the horrible stories of Sandor Clegane aka the Hound, and still thinks there’s a greater purpose for him.
Candi: This guy with the star looking thingy necklace, looks like my high school drama teacher. Mr. Sam Buonomo. Why I remember his name, is beyond me.
Over in King’s Landing, Margaery goes to visit the High Sparrow. She’s reciting words from the sacred text and chats with him about her religious studies. Then shit gets gross because he starts talking to her about her wifely duties. Turns out all that time in the cell turned Margaery off sex … and the King has been complaining to the High Sparrow. Sorry not sorry, King Tommen, she probably can’t stand to touch your weak ass especially after you left her to rot in a cell for months on end! The High Sparrow preaches that she has a duty to fulfill to her husband and the kingdom and all of them. Sounds like the Sparrow wants her to start popping out babies to further his hold on the crown. When she doesn’t accept the sex bait, he threatens her grandmother! He’s “worried” for Granny Tyrell because she’s a strong willed woman and will need to repent. I really hate this guy. He is the worst!
Candi: Every time. This old religious dude puts me to sleep.
Next up that horrible woman, Septa Unella, is hovering while Margaery and Granny try to talk. Granny is incensed over Margaery’s behavior. She doesn’t understand what they’ve done to her granddaughter! She starts ranting to Septa Unella and threatens that her Tyrell army would kill her upon command. It’s pretty clear that Unella is a spy and the High Sparrow doesn’t want Margaery alone with Granny. Margaery informs Granny that she shouldn’t have marched against the Faith, but Granny is aghast. Of course they should have! They did it for her! And what of her poor brother, Loras? He’s just going to rot away forever? Margaery explains that Loras must confess his crimes and repent, but he’ll lose his titles and inheritance. What the what?! Granny reminds her that Loras is the heir to High Garden. Granny wants her to leave King’s Landing and return to High Garden with her. Margaery refuses because she is the Queen, and has a duty to her people. She ends up on her knees imploring her grandmother to leave King’s Landing. She finally lets her pious façade slip, and you can see a glimpse of the real Margaery. She does her cat eye thing and passes her grandmother a secret note. Granny finally realizes that this is all some sort of master plan, and hugs her granddaughter goodbye. Away from Septa Unella’s prying eyes, Granny opens the note and sees a drawing of a rose, their House sigil. It’s a sign to let her grandmother know that she’s still there, she’s still a Tyrell, and she’s still fighting. Thank the Seven! You had me worried for a few minutes, Margaery. But I knew you were smarter than that!
Paula: Did she just crack the bones in Granny’s hand?? I need to rewind. Ah it was a note.
Candi: This old lady, with the flat head, I like her. She’s feisty. #lettucepray What did that doodle mean?? It’s something good, right?? Damn them and all these hidden messages!
Somewhere in the North, Tormund is trying to convince the wildlings to join the fight against the Boltons with Jon and Sansa. These guys aren’t really feeling it because they are just trying to survive. They promised Jon Snow they’d fight for him when the time came, but they meant a fight against the white walkers. Not some fight for lands south of the Wall. The man isn’t willing to risk the last of the free folks for Jon’s silly fight, but Jon informs him that is exactly what will happen if they ignore the threat of Ramsay Bolton. He knows it’s a shit hand, and not the deal they made but the wildlings are in just as much danger as the Starks with Ramsay after them. Tormund tells his people that the Crows killed Jon because he spoke up for the free folks. Hell, he even died for them! If the wildlings aren’t willing to do the same for Jon, they are cowards. The giant stands up and sort of bows to Snow. The giant is on his side and the rest of the men fall into line! Yay! Cheers to Operation Take Back Winterfell!
Paula: Hm. Do you realize how long it would take to make that giant’s clothes?
Candi: What the hell is with this jolly green giant?? What is he? I am so fucking confused. I have no clue what the hell is going on. Did I miss an episode!? Still have zero idea what is going on.
Back in King’s Landing, Cersei goes to visit Granny Tyrell. Cersei thinks they can make nice and work together to deal with the High Sparrow. Granny is having none of it. She really lets Cersei have it! She tells her Loras rots in a cell because of her and two ancient houses face collapse due to her stupidity! Cersei knows it’s true and has deep regrets about delivering an army of fanatics to their doorstep. Is that an actual apology from Cersei Lannister? Almost? Cersei wants to fight together to get rid of the Faith. Granny won’t do a thing for Cersei. In fact, she thinks Cersei may be the worst person she’s ever met. She’s an old woman and has met some terrible people throughout her life, but Cersei takes the cake. She reminds Cersei of the nasty smirk she gave her when her grandchildren were dragged off by the Faith to rot in cells. Damn, I remember that smirk too! Granny vows to leave the city as fast as she can and advises that Cersei do the same if she has any sense at all. Cersei claims she’ll never leave her son. Granny isn’t impressed because Cersei’s family has abandoned her and the people despise her. She tells her she’s lost, and that’s the only joy she can find in this entire mess. Burn! The Queen of Thorns doesn’t suffer fools.
Next up is Riverrun, Jaime is leading the Lannister army with Bronn by his side, and I’m so pleased! As you’ll remember, Jaime was ordered by King Tommen to go take back the castle from the Blackfish. As they ride up to the castle, they observe the Frey’s dumb siege and their shitty trenches. Jaime wants to put Bronn in charge of the men because he has better instincts than anyone in the Lannister army. Bronn isn’t flattered because that’s like saying he has a bigger cock than anyone in a eunuch army. Hahahaha! Have I mentioned I love Bronn? Jaime insists that Bronn can be the right hand he lost. Awww! I love these two together. Bronn reminds Jaime that he was promised a lordship, a castle, and a beautiful highborn wife. Jaime begins to recite the line about Lannisters always paying their debts and Bronn says, “don’t fucking say it!” He kills me! I guess he heard that from Tyrion one too many times? As they ride off, Jaime plans to parlay with the Blackfish!
Walder Frey’s sorry ass sons have a shitty contingent of army dudes. They’ve got Lord Edmure Tully in a noose and threaten to hang him. The Blackfish looks down and watches the spectacle as they continue to threaten his nephew’s life. Frey puts a knife to Edmure’s throat and boasts about killing Catelyn Stark (the Blackfish’s niece / Edmure’s sister). The Blackfish isn’t amused. He says go on then, cut his throat. Damn! There went that bargaining tool. The Frey men grumble and turn to see Jaime and the Lannister army. Jaime derides them for their horrible siege skills because only a fool makes threats he’s not prepared to carry out. He demands that they bathe and feed Edmure, but the one Frey brother is being a jerk so Jaime slaps the guy to show him he’s not afraid to carry out his threats!
Jon, Sansa, and Davos arrive at Bear Island to ask for House Mormont’s support. It turns out, the majority of the Mormonts were killed fighting for Robb Stark and now there is a 10-year-old girl named Lyanna Mormont in charge. Sansa introduces herself and tells the young lady that she was named after Sansa’s aunt Lyanna and she suspects she’ll grow up to a beauty just like her. Young Lady Mormont is not impressed and says she doubts it because her mother was no great beauty, but she was a great warrior and she died fighting for Robb Stark. Since Sansa didn’t seem to win her over, Jon speaks up and advises that he served under her uncle, Lord Commander Mormont and he was a great warrior and an honorable man. Again, she’s not impressed. She’s tells them to cut the small talk and wants to know why they are here. I kinda love this girl! She’s a little badass! Jon jumps right in about House Stark needing their support. She whispers back and forth with her maester and then tells Jon that he’s a Snow, not a Stark, and his sister Sansa is either a Bolton or Lannister now, she can’t keep track! Oh snap! Sansa didn’t like that one little bit and vows that she’ll always be a Stark. Lady Mormont knows they want her fighting men but she’s tired of sacrificing her men for other people’s wars.
If one more person reminds me of my husbands, I may scream!
Candi: Ok. Now who the fuck is this kid?!?! I give up.
It looks like they aren’t going to get the support they need so Davos steps forward. He clarifies that this isn’t someone else’s war. This is a war between the living and the dead. Her Uncle made Jon his successor in the Night’s Watch because he knew Jon could help defeat the dead men. Lyanna asks Jon if that’s true. Jon confirms that he and Lord Mormont both fought the dead army and they both lost. Finally! Someone other than a wildling or from the Watch, is taking the threat of the dead army seriously. She confirms that House Mormont has kept faith with House Stark for 1000 years, and she will not break that faith today. I love this kid! She offers up 62 men to help fight. Sansa and Jon deflate a bit at this low number. She’s sees their reaction and assures them that Bear Islanders fight with the strength of ten mainland men! Ser Davos believes if they are half as ferocious as their lady, than the Boltons are doomed. This gave me the warm fuzzies!
Candi: This “my lady” needs a timeout for rude behavior. 62 men….. the fuck is that? Why not 60?? Why 62??
Back at Riverrun, Jaime is looking very sexy on his horse! He rides alone up to the castle walls to treat with the Blackfish. This is all very dignified and honorable. They’ll discuss siege terms in peace. The Tully men lower the drawbridge over the moat. How cool is that? How could anyone penetrate this castle with that moat in place? He and Blackfish finally meet and the man calls Jaime by that old burdensome title, Kingslayer. Seems he has no love lost for Jaime. He asks if Jaime is planning on returning Sansa and Arya as he promised Catelyn Tully when she helped him escape Robb’s men. We all know that ain’t happening! Blackfish wants to know what he wants, and Jaime says you know what I want. He needs to surrender the castle because it belongs to the Freys now. Blackfish is like oh hell no. This is his home, and he’s ready to die in it. He claims they have enough provisions on hand to last two years. Can Jaime’s army last that long? Jaime is annoyed and wants to know why he even bothered to come treat with him if he wasn’t willing to negotiate. The Blackfish says he agreed to meet because … well … sieges are dull and he wanted to see Jaime in person to take his measure, and he’s disappointed. Aww! Don’t say that to my Jaime! He walks back into his castle and the drawbridge goes up leaving Jaime to contemplate his next move. I don’t know about you guys but a two-year siege of living in tents sounds like hell.
Candi: What is Jaime up to?? I’m still so confused.
Jon, Sansa, and Davos are now asking someone named Lord Glover for his support. He refuses to help them. He’s disgusted when he finds out the wildlings are fighting with Jon and Sansa, because he views them as the enemy. He basically dismisses them when Sansa reminds him of his duty to fight for House Stark. This seems to goad the guy. He marches right up to her and informs her that his house has served House Stark for centuries, and they wept at the news of Ned’s death, and fought for Robb Stark, but he wants to know what Robb was doing when the Iron Born attacked his home. He says Robb had taken up with a foreign whore, which caused everyone to get killed. This guy actually has a point. Perhaps if Robb hadn’t broken that promise to marry the Frey daughter, he’d be alive today. Glover says he served House Stark once but now House Stark is dead. Man, shit’s looking bleak for Operation Take Back Winterfell.
Paula: I’m sorry but I keep fast-forwarding tonight.
Somewhere at sea, Yara, Theon and their Iron Born crew are taking a little break at port with a bunch of brothel girls. Oh hot damn! Even Yara is getting in on the action and she has never looked sexier. Theon looks nervous and uncomfortable. Yara sees that he’s uncomfortable and sends her lady friend away for the time being. They share a moment here as Yara assures him she’ll never hurt him and that he needs to let go of his fear because Ramsay can’t hurt him now. Theon is worried about their uncle Euron hunting them, but Yara isn’t going to concern herself with him because she’s faster and smarter. She forces Theon to keep drinking his ale and reminds him he’s Iron Born. She’s sick of seeing him cower like a beat dog. Me too, Yara! She says if he really can’t ever find the old Theon Greyjoy in there and he’s so broken, then he should do them both a favor and slit his wrists. If not, they are sailing to Meereen to try and make a pact with the Dragon Queen and take back the Iron Islands. He gives her a nod, and she kisses his head. Oh goody! I hope these two make it to Dany before that creep Euron does! Yara saunters off to “go fuck the tits off” her lady friend.
Candi: Boobies!!! And still no sex.
Now Jon, Sansa, and Davos are at their camp discussing their options. Jon is ready to fight now, because he’s worried that a winter storm will come through and ruin their chances. Sansa fears they don’t have enough men yet to go up against Ramsay. They butt heads about the right time to attack and Davos’ council, but that’s put aside as the men go break up a fight between a northerner and a wildling. Sansa sees Lady Mormont and her maester with his ravens (is anyone else surprised that she came along for the fight?). This inspires her to write a letter to someone. She signs it Sansa Stark. You get one guess on who that letter is going to! Is she asking Littlefinger to send the Knights of the Vale as he promised her? If so, what will she owe him? I think his ultimate goal was to marry her and have control of the North and the Vale. We shall see.
Candi: Still confused.
Back to the Hound, the Deadwood guy is talking to his people about his past crimes. He sounds like a preacher here. He did unspeakable things when he was a soldier, but now he wants to bring goodness to the world. He preaches that it’s never too late to stop hurting and killing people. Hm. Is this sermon for the Hound? Oh shit. Three men come riding up. Who are these fuckers? They do not look like good guys. The men claim they are protecting the people and ask him if he has gold or steel or horses. He claims they do not, but they have food and he invites the men for supper. The men decline the offer and one cautions them to stay safe because the night is dark and full of terrors. Ah. These guys follow the Lord of Light and look to be part of the Brotherhood. The Hound goes back to his chopping, and warns Deadwood that those men are dangerous, and they’ll come back.
Paula: Who is this man that keeps talking and talking to these people? Is this a flashback? Is he the sparrow guy? And who is the guy with half of his hair missing?
Candi: Chopping wood does not look fun. Like. At all.
Across the world in Braavos, we see the Hound’s old captive/friend, Arya. I’m happy to see she survived the night without any encounters with the waif. Also, I thought she went back to her room at the House of Black and White at the end of the last episode but my wife thinks she was in a cave somewhere. I guess that makes more sense! Anyhoo, she’s strolling through town and hears men talking about heading to Slaver’s Bay. Arya comments that he’s Westerosi and she wants to book a passage home. She tosses a bag of money at him and he tells her they leave in two days and she can sleep in stowage. She tosses another bag of money at him and says, I want a cabin and we leave in the morning. Then she takes her money bags back from him and says, see you at sunrise. Look at Arya! Being all tough and in charge. Next she walks onto a bridge and takes a moment to stare out at the sea. She sees that large statue that awed her when she first sailed into Braavos all those months ago. Does this feel odd to you? Arya is way too smart to be out and about, big as you please, sauntering through town when she knows the waif is going to try to kill her. Oh look. Speaking of the waif, an old crone walks up to Arya and stabs her in the stomach! Of course, it’s the waif wearing one of those faces from the wall. Arya seems surprised but quickly reacts and gets the waif off of her, rolls herself off the bridge, and lands in the water below. The waif looks down and sees all the blood covering the water but no sign of Arya. She smirks, straightens her shirt, and walks away. Arya emerges from the water near some steps gasping for air. She holds her bleeding stomach and starts wandering down the street staring at all the different faces. Well balls! What’s going to happen now? This still feels off to me. Did Arya set this up? Is she faking it somehow? It just doesn’t sit right. But if she really did get herself stabbed and is in danger of bleeding out, I’ll be shocked and really pissed off.
Oh hi, sweet girl!
Paula: *gasp* Arya.
Candi: Jesus fucking Christ!!!! I did NOT see that coming!!! And why won’t anyone help her!!!!!!!??
Back with the church builders, The Hound is busy chopping away. When he pauses to take a break, something alerts him and he goes running back to the clearing where the people were and the whole damn village has been slaughtered. How did he not hear the screams? Had he wandered that far away doing the chopping? He surveys the carnage with dead bodies scattered everywhere and walks over to see Deadwood hanging from his church. Man, that’s a shame. The Hound pulls an axe from a tree stump. I guess his peaceful existence is over, and he’s gonna go kill some Lord of Light motherfuckers! Or something!
Paula: Okay so he’s not the sparrow guy because he’s dead now. Well hm. Maybe I shouldn’t have fast-forwarded.
Candi: And this was another letdown of an episode. Still no sex!!
The credits roll.
Best hair: Jon’s ponytail! He looks so sexy this season!
Biggest AS IF: If I’m honest, it’s Arya hanging out in the open in Braavos. I don’t buy it, and if it’s not some sort of trick then she’s acting like a big dummy. I expect so much more from my girl.
Biggest Fist Pump: When I saw the Hound! I got so excited that he’s still alive!
Final Thoughts: This episode was a bit slow, but I guess it can’t always be dragons and kick ass women. This was another set-up episode, so next week should be good!
A short history of the Hound for Candi and Paula: The Hound is one of those characters that at first I hated, but then grew to love (in a way). His brother is that scary Mountain dude that’s guarding Cersei and was a complete psychopath. He held the Hound’s head to hot coals for playing with one of his toys when they were kids and that’s why his face is all burned up on the one side. He was King Joffrey’s guard dog, his sword, doing his dirty work, but he actually saved Sansa more than once when it came to Joffrey’s violence. He’d finally had enough of that sniveling little shit, Joffrey, and left King’s Landing. He came across Arya when she was on the road trying to find her family. He recognized her and kidnapped her with the intent to deliver her to her brother Robb and her mother, but by the time they got there it was the night of the Red Wedding and they’d been slaughtered by the Boltons and the Freys. Arya heard about the devastation and saw her brother’s beloved dire wolf’s head on a pike. She tried to run in to see her family, but the Hound didn’t want her to see it and stopped her. Next, he decided to take her to the Vale to see if he could ransom her off to her aunt Lysa, but when they arrived there they heard she was dead too (thanks Littlefinger!). At this point, Arya just laughed her ass off. Initially Arya hated him (he had killed a friend of hers on Joffrey’s orders), plus he kidnapped her so there’s that! But after spending all that time together on the road, I think they actually developed a mutual respect and understanding for each other. He liked that she was a saucy smart mouth and a tough little girl. He watched her kill a man and gave her tips on how to do it well. After the incident at the Vale, he attempted to take her to the Wall to see her brother Jon, but that’s where they ran into Brienne who was trying to find the Stark girls and bring them to safety on a promise she made to Catelyn and Jaime. She asked Arya to come with her but Arya refused. Brienne and the Hound battled and Brienne wounded him deeply. Arya sat with him for a while and he asked her for a clean death, but she refused. At the time, it was hard to know what she was feeling. Did she still hate him and want him to suffer? Had she grown fond of him? She left him for dead and headed off to Braavos. She seems to have a lot of unresolved feelings for him whenever the waif would question her about him. And how does he feel about the spunky girl he admired that left him to rot? Will they meet again?
Kayti and Gray are busy vacationing, separately. They’ll be back!
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