DIRTY GIRLS: NEEDLE’S BACK
Are you ready? Have you recovered from hold the door?
Candi: Here we are again. I read the bible. It’s a long book. And the credits are still rolling.
The episode opens with Meera pulling Bran through the snow. Bran is having all sorts of crazy visions from his life and from the past. We see everything from when he used to climb the towers at Winterfell to when Jaime pushed him and caused his paralysis to the white walkers to the Mad King to young Ned Stark at the Tower of Joy asking for his sister to his parents and Robb’s deaths. Gah. They keep showing images of the Mad King including when Jaime slays him, and there are shots of the green wildfire the Mad King used to burn his citizens. He’s yelling, “burn them all” and in the next scene Bran sees the battle at Hornhill with the army of the dead.
You guys. You know what? I just had a thought! What if the Mad King turned crazy because he had visions of the white walkers coming?! And when he said “burn them all” he meant the white walkers and NOT his citizens?! Maybe the Mad King knew what was coming with the white walkers!? Holy shit! Or maybe he really was bat shit crazy and wanted to kill his citizens by burning them alive, but seeing this vision with the wildfire is going to give Bran an idea of how to defeat the white walker army?! We know fire kills them, and we’ve seen the damage wildfire can cause from when Tyrion used it against Stannis’ fleet in the Battle of Blackwater back in season 2. Burn them all, indeed! Side note: the Mad King is Aerys Targaryen, father to Dany and Rhaegar. The Targaryens ruled the Seven Kingdoms until that whole “burn them all” situation and Rhaegar “kidnapped” Lyanna Stark, which caused Robert Baratheon’s rebellion and led to the downfall of the Targaryen dynasty.
Anyway, Bran finally opens his eyes and says, “Meera, they found us.” Oh shit! You can hear the creepy white walker dead dudes making these weird grunting noises as they charge towards Bran and Meera. Suddenly, a man dressed all in black with his face and head covered appears on a horse and starts killing all the dead men with this awesome flame throwing weapon! This stranger is really rockin’ the whole Grim Reaper vibe, but he looks like one of the good guys as he’s clearly trying to save Bran and Meera. Are you guys guessing who this is? I think I might know! He rides up to Bran and Meera and orders them to come with him as he lifts Bran up as Meera hops on. They ride off and escape the dead men!
Candi: Good god these little creepy fuckers!
Next we see Sam, Gilly, and the baby on the way to Sam’s home of Horn Hill. Gilly is amazed by all of the greenery, as she’s never traveled this far south. Sam is preoccupied and nervous about going home again. Sam is the firstborn son of the Tarly family but his father viewed him as weak and less than a man and had stripped him of all his titles and shipped him off to the Night’s Watch. His younger brother now has all the rights of the firstborn son. Sam is giving Gilly the back story he concocted for his parents of how they met. Essentially he’s hiding the fact that she’s a wildling because his father hates wildlings. In fact, he’d hoped that forcing Sam to join the Night’s Watch would force Sam to kill wildlings and that would turn him into a real man. Well this whole hate the wildlings theme is not going to bode well for Gilly. Once they reach his impressive castle home, his mother and sister run out to greet them and seem genuinely pleased to see Sam and to meet Gilly and the baby. He asks after his father and brother but they are hunting. Gilly stands out a bit in her wilding outfit amidst all of their finery as introductions are made. His mom is gracious to Gilly and baby Sam reaches for his grandma. Oh my god this is the cutest baby ever! His sister seems sweet and offers to let Gilly wear one of her dresses to dinner.
Candi: Hey! Isn’t this the wagon that the little dude shit in? Or was that a barrel? Hmm. I probably shouldn’t of said that out loud. Carry on.
Candi: Wait a minute! Aren’t these two people dead?? Why did I think they were dead?? Why don’t I trust this “grandma?” Nobody is ever nice on purpose on this show. Hmm. I got my eyes on her.
Paula: Ugh Gilly. I just can’t even with her. Why have I not thought to mute her before now? I’m not interested in these two at all. Also. Was I supposed to know Sam was wealthy?
In King’s Landing, King Tommen is with the High Sparrow. They are discussing Margaery’s walk of atonement. The King wonders if there is another way to handle her atonement because he fears for her safety during the walk. The High Sparrow assures him she’ll be safe and allows Tommen to see Margaery. He rushes to her and they embrace. Margaery is all cleaned up and asks Tommen if he’s spoken to the High Sparrow. I think Tommen is shocked that she doesn’t appear angry. She’s in good spirits and oddly peaceful. She tells him the High Sparrow has helped her see that she wasn’t always a good person. She claims that all of her work helping the poor was more for show than it was for good. Tommen is confused that she’s not calling for the High Sparrow’s head, but she lets him know she’s a better person now. He asks about Loras and she says she loves her brother and his soul is perfect, but he’ll need to atone for his sins. She believes the gods have a plan for all of them. Well hm. I really think Margaery is way too smart to fall for this nonsense, but we’ll see what happens next.
Paula: Uh, is Margaery serious??? They kill everyone on this show. I don’t understand why they don’t kill that old man.
Back at Horn Hill, Gilly and Sam meet up before dinner. She’s wearing his sister’s dress and looks very pretty all dressed up like a proper lady. The Tarly family is having a very awkward dinner. His father looks like a stern man and is sitting there in silence while Sam is attempting to have a conversation with his brother about hunting. Apparently the other Tarly men hunt elk and that makes them tough because they aren’t impressed when Sam describes hunting rabbits and squirrels at the Wall. He even admits that Gilly is a better hunter than he is. His mother asks if he wants more bread, and his father makes a rude comment about him being fat enough already. Oh hell no! What a prick! Sam looks hurt, and declines the bread. He starts to tell his father about his plans to become a maester but his father is disgusted. He complains that he thought the Watch would have made a man of Sam, but instead he’s still a book reading fat weakling who can’t wield a sword. Sam doesn’t say a word, while Gilly jumps to his defense with stories of his bravery. Sam can wield a sword, and he even killed a white walker! His brother laughs because there’s no such thing as white walkers. If you only knew, buddy! Gilly talks of Sam’s bravery on their way down to Castle Black, and how he’s a greater warrior than either of them will ever hope to be. Go Gilly! Take that, you pompous fools with your stupid elk hunting. I bet you’d shit yourself if you saw a real white walker!
Paula: Oh my word. Who is that guy at the table with Sam? *heart eyes* Well I just got interested in the scenes with Sam.
His father perks up at her confession of walking “down” to Castle Black. Gilly is out of fucks to give at this point. She’s like, so what? I’m a wildling, mofo. He says at first he thought a Mole’s Town whore seduced his fool son but it’s so much worse! Because she’s a wildling! He rants about the wildlings and points out a fancy sword hanging on the wall. Heartsbane, made of Valyrian steel, has been in his family for 500 years. The sword is supposed to be passed down to his firstborn son but that will never happen. He fears if he leaves Sam in charge of things their house would be destroyed. Blah blah blah. At this point, Mama Tarly gets up in disgust, and has the girls leave with her so they don’t have to hear any more of his nonsense. After they leave, he lets Sam know that he’ll let the wildling work in the kitchens and raise the wildling bastard but this is the last night Sam will be allowed to stay in their house. Look, I know the Wall kind of sucks because of the freezing temperatures, and the whole no women thing, and that pesky matter of the army of dead men that want to kill them, and the fact that a lot of the brothers of the Night’s Watch are traitorous bastards, BUT that all sounds a lot better than having dinner with this fucker every night.
Candi: Well if this isn’t the most awkward dinner ever. Ohhhhhh helllllllllllll noooooooo!!! You eat that bread!!!!! What a horrible awful man!!!! Off with his head!!!!! And hopefully with his own prized sword!
After the dinner from hell, Sam goes to Gilly’s room to bid his farewell. He apologizes for not standing up for her, but she’s not upset about that. She’s mad that horrible people like his father can treat good men like him in such a way. He says goodbye and she gives him a kiss on the lips and promises that he’s not what his father says he is. He rushes out of the room. Dammit, Sam! You can’t leave her there with those people! What the hell?! Gilly’s looking around the room and walks over to the baby when Sam comes rushing back in and tells her to gather her things because they are leaving! Yay! She replies she has no things. This tickled me. He reminds her that the three of them belong together. She’s concerned about taking his sister’s dress, but he assures her his sister won’t mind. They head back into the dining room and Sam steals the fancy sword! Take that! Gilly wonders if they’ll come for the sword and Sam says they can bloody well try. Boom! I love that Sam is finally making a move!
Over in Braavos, Arya is watching the play again. This time they are at the scene of Joffrey’s wedding / death. From the looks of it, the crowd seems to buy into the theory that Tyrion murdered Joffrey. I guess they don’t know about Granny Tyrell! Arya watches actor Joffrey gasp for air as he struggles to breathe before he drops dead. She’s giggling at this scene. Remember, Joffrey was on her kill list. I’m sure she’s thrilled to even be watching this little bit of his death. Lady Crane is playing Cersei, and she rushes to Joffrey’s side and recites some moving lines about her sweet boy dying and … ewwww. You guys! That creepy younger actress playing Sansa is standing in the wings reciting Lady Crane’s lines. She wants her job! Bitches be crazy, y’all. Arya isn’t giggling anymore. She looks kind of sad at this point. Arya sneaks into the dressing rooms and goes for Lady Crane’s bottle of rum. She seems a little nervous but pours the poison in anyway. She starts to head out when Lady Crane sees her and wants to know what she’s doing back there. Lady Crane assumes she’s sneaking in to watch the play because she wants to be an actress. She did the same when she was a girl and then she ran off and joined the actors. Arya tells her she’s very good and without her it would just be a mess of farting and slapping up there. Lady Crane wants to know how Arya would change the writing. Arya gets real serious here and says that the Queen loves her son more than anything, and he was taken from her before she could say goodbye. She’s not going to just cry about it. She’d be angry and want to kill the person who did this to her son. Gah. This breaks my heart for Arya. Is she thinking of the people who killed her family? What is she doing with these assassins when her parents and brother’s murders are still out there? Lady Crane tells Arya she has very expressive eyes and asks if she likes pretending to be other people. This seems to shake Arya back into the task at hand, and she rushes out stating her father is waiting for her.
The actress playing me is a poor man’s Sansa!
Candi: These plays are kinda creepy.
Lady Crane walks into the room with the rest of the actors. They are bitching that the crowd is so horrible because they even cheered when Ned died. Lady Crane starts to mention something about changing the writing and the writer goes off on a rant about not wanting her opinion. Lady Crane basically rolls her eyes and goes to take a sip of her rum when Arya comes out of nowhere and flings the glass away from her! Arya points to the younger actress and says, “Careful of that one. She wants you dead.” Then she runs off! The waif is in there and saw it all. Oh fuck.
In the next scene we see Arya digging up her beloved sword NEEDLE! YAY! I just fist pumped! Seeing Arya with the sword Jon gave to her gives me all the feels, you guys. The waif goes to see J’agen while he’s peeling off a face. Just another day at the office! She gleefully tells him it was as she expected. This little twunt couldn’t wait to rat on Arya. Snitches get stitches, you fucker! J’agen says it’s a shame because the girl had many gifts. The waif fears he’s changed his mind so she reminds him he promised her. He orders her not to let Arya suffer and she nods in agreement, but she smirks as she walks out. Oh fuck you, waif! We see Arya in her room and she pulls out Needle. She blows out the candles and waits for the waif. ‘Atta girl! You know she knows the waif is going to come for her. I can’t wait for Arya to use Needle on her! From the looks of things, Arya is planning on leaving the House of Black and White. She’s killed in the past, but it’s always been someone that has wronged her or her family. Maybe she doesn’t want to be a hired killer after all? I really hope Arya finds her way back to her family. I have pipe dreams of her being reunited with her dire wolf, Nymeria, and helping Sansa and Jon take back the North. A girl can hope.
Candi: Ewwwww he’s cutting his face!!!! Omg OMG omg!!
Paula: Oh good GOD. A girl is going to throw up! He is cutting off that dead guy’s face! Ew Ew Ew
Back in King’s Landing, Lord Tyrell leads his army to Jaime in some rendezvous spot in an alley. He gives a pompous speech about saving his children while Jaime looks increasingly impatient. Over at the Sept of Baelor, the High Sparrow is out with his army and Queen Margaery. He’s preaching about atonement and the whole set up seems just like it did when Cersei had to do her walk of atonement. He’s giving a speech about Margaery disgracing her house and her king because she turned a blind eye to her brother’s sins. Yada yada yada. We hear noises and the crowd parts as Jaime comes riding up leading the Tyrell army. Boom! Margaery looks shocked. They even bring a carriage up and guess what? It’s Granny Tyrell, you guys! Sweet. I’m glad she’s going to be there to witness whatever’s about to go down. I need Jaime to kick some High Sparrow ass! Jaime announces he’s sorry to interrupt but he’s there for Queen Margaery and Loras, and once they have them, they’ll leave. The High Sparrow says something about how neither of them have the authority to stand in the way of the atonement. Jaime charges up the steps on his horse and I’m not going to lie, he looks pretty dashing right about now! Jaime announces he speaks for King Tommen and the High Sparrow has already insulted one great house, and they won’t let him insult another. He promises every sparrow will die before Queen Margaery walks down that street. Take that! The High Sparrow gives his spiel about how they’d gladly die in their service to the gods. There’s a long pause. Then he happily announces that there is no cause for it today as there will be no walk of atonement because Queen Margaery has already atoned for her sins by bringing another into the true light of the Seven.
The doors of the sept open and King Tommen walks out with his kingsguard. Oh sweet baby jesus. This is ridiculous! He walks right over to Margaery and they join hands. He announces to the crowd that together they will bring a new era of holy alliance between the Crown and the Faith. I guess this young dummy missed the whole point about not letting religious zealots have power. Tommen steps forward to announce that the Crown and the Faith are the twin pillars on which the kingdom rests and together they will restore the Seven Kingdoms to glory. The crowd cheers. Lord Tyrell, who may be the most useless of all useless perfumed Lords in all of Westeros, asks Granny what is happening, and she bites out that the High Sparrow has beaten them. That’s what’s happening! Ugh ugh ugh. Poor Jaime looks deflated as he glares at the High Sparrow who is just smirking away. Ok, I get that Margaery did what she had to do to save herself and her brother because she’s been locked up for god knows how long with no visitors and it looked like she’d never be saved. So she did what all the strong women on this show do and saved herself and her brother. But what happens now? How long do they have to play nice with the Sparrow and the Faith? That was all an act, right? Right?!
Candi: Awwww shit!!!! Look at Jaime being all badass!!! I have no clue what just happened. Is this bad or good?? Jaime don’t look happy.
In the next scene, Jaime is stripping off his kingsguard armor in front of King Tommen. Looks like his son isn’t happy about Jaime’s attempt on the Sparrow and the Faith. Remember, they did all this behind the King’s back as he gave them strict instructions not to attack because he was afraid Margaery would be hurt. Basically he kicks Jaime out of the kingsguard because a person who has raised their sword against the Faith cannot lead the kingsguard. Jaime is shocked and reminds him he’s been in the kingsguard since before Tommen was born! Tommen isn’t swayed. Jaime wants to know if he’s going to be rotting in chains beneath the Sept or made to do a walk of atonement. Tommen isn’t going to let that happen. He knows Jaime has served his king and his country well, and he can continue to do so … just not from King’s Landing.
Paula: Oh man, Jaime is so sexy. A girl can only hope they make him walk naked.
Oh look. It’s that crusty old fucker, Walder Frey. I haven’t seen your wretched arse since the Red Wedding. He’s yelling at his idiot sons because it turns out that they managed to lose Riverrun to the Blackfish! As Littlefinger mentioned to Sansa, the Blackfish is back! Frey is demanding that his sons take back the castle and show the Blackfish the knife they used to kill Robb Stark and his whore wife and his mother. He wants the Blackfish to be reminded of what they’ve done to his family. The sons say he won’t care, but Walder Frey thinks he will care because Frey has the Blackfish’s nephew, Edmure Tully (brother to Catlin Stark). Damn! I forgot all about Edmure. I guess the Freys have held him captive since his fateful wedding night. Side note: Walder Frey and Roose Bolton betrayed the Starks at Edmure Tully’s wedding to Walder Frey’s daughter i.e. the Red Wedding. Per the Lannister’s instructions, the Freys and Boltons slaughtered Catlin Tully Stark (Edmure’s sister / Ned’s wife), her son Robb Stark, and his pregnant wife. This act of betrayal is what gave Roose Bolton, now Ramsay, power in the North. When people say the North remembers? They’re talking about the Red Wedding. The Blackfish is great-uncle to Sansa, Bran, and Arya. After the Red Wedding, the Freys took control of the Tully family home, Riverrun.
Candi: Who are these people talking about black fish??
Paula: Who in the world are these people? I feel like these are the drawbacks of not watching the first 4 seasons.
Back in King’s Landing, Jaime is ranting to Cersei about this shitty situation he’s in. He’s being sent with the Lannister army to deal with the Blackfish at Riverrun for a siege that could last months. Cersei reminds him it’s better to be head of an army than in the sept’s dungeon. Jaime says fuck all that! He’s going to give Bronn the largest bag of gold anyone has ever seen to buy the best murders to go kill that goddamn High Sparrow because he stole their son and has torn their family apart! Cersei knows all that but if he kills the High Sparrow this will all be for nothing. She wants him to stand before the Lannister army where he belongs. She wants him to show everyone what it means to cross a Lannister! Of course, he doesn’t want to leave before her trial but she’s not worried because it will be a trial by combat and she has the Mountain. She knows no one has any idea how strong they really are! This is all very passionate and moving and they start making out. Praise the Seven! Finally! She reminds him they’ve always been together and they are the only two people in the world.
Candi: Ahh. Hmmm. Some brother sister lovin.
Next up, we have Meera, Bran, and the mystery man. He’s gutting a rabbit and Meera wants to know why he helped them. (P.S. Do you see that Lord Tarly? This badass white walker killer hunted a rabbit.) The man claims the Three-Eyed Raven sent him. She informs him of the Raven’s death, but the man says he lives again. Just then Bran wakes up. The man regards Bran and tells him he’s all grown up because the last time he saw Bran, he was a fearless boy defying his mother’s orders and climbing castle walls. The man removes his hood and scarf and it’s Uncle Benjen Stark! You guys!!! I knew it! Bran is shocked that it’s his Uncle Benjen. He says the last time he heard from Jon, Jon told him Benjen was missing north of the Wall. Benjen explains that he was out on Night’s Watch ranger duty when white walkers attacked them. The white walkers stabbed him but before he could be turned into a blue-eyed dead man, the Children of the Forest found and saved him. Bran wants to know how he was saved and Benjen says he already knows. They put a dragonglass dagger in his heart to stop the change. Benjen explains that Bran is the Raven now but Bran is worried because he didn’t get a chance to learn everything. Benjen isn’t concerned because one way or another the dead Night King will find his way to the Wall and when he does, Bran will be there waiting and ready. I’m so glad Benjen is alive! His disappearance in season 1 was a big mystery. Oh man. I need him to reunite with Jon Snow!
Candi: Jesus Christ. I just threw up. Is that a bunny???
Paula: I’m just gonna say this… I am bored with this kid with the weird eyes. I feel like they are purposely trying to irritate me.
Across the world, we see Dany aka the Khaleesi leading her Khalasar. Daario is riding beside her and she wants to know how many days it will take to make it to Meereen. He thinks it’ll take about a week. She wants to know how many ships she’ll need to sail to Westeros. He thinks about 1000. Oh snap. Are you guys remembering what I’m remembering about who has 1000 ships? Ugh. Daario wants to know what happens when she has her ships. She announces she’ll take what’s hers. He reminds her she’s not meant to sit in a chair, she’s Daenrys Stormborn! A conqueror! Something catches her attention and she commands him to wait there with the Khalasar. She rides off to the other side of these giant rocks. Everyone is just chilling and Daario gets restless. He tells the men he’s going after the Khaleesi and they should wait for him.
Candi: Ohhh hi mister sexy man!
Oh shit … what’s that noise? It’s Drogon!! We can see his shadow flying overhead. He’s an impressive figure looming over the Dothraki Khalasar. The horses are freaking out! The men are freaking out and watching in amazement when the dragon lands and holy shit, you guys! Dany is riding Drogon! This is pretty badass right now. She stays on Drogon’s back and gives her men a speech. She reminds them that Khals choose three men to be their bloodriders, but she is not some dummy Khal. She’s going to choose -all- of the men to fight with her and be her bloodriders! She’s going to ask more than any Khal has ever asked of any of his people! She wants to know if they’ll ride wooden horses across the black salt sea? Will they kill her enemies in their iron suits and tear down their stone houses? Will they give her the Seven Kingdoms that Khal Drogo promised to her before the Mother of Mountains? Are they with her now and always? The crowd goes crazy at all of this. They are clearly in love with their Khaleesi and it will be an honor to serve her. Dany is seriously channeling Khal Drogo circa season 1! However, even I can admit this scene was just a tad bit over the top. For me, the Khaleesi is at her best when she’s just accomplished some extraordinary thing. Ok fine. I guess riding your dragon to show off to your new followers is pretty cool, but something about this scene felt off to me. How about you? Also, where was Drogon when she was in need? Do you think their dragon blood bond is so strong that he knew she didn’t need him when the Khalasar initially found her? I digress. Cheers to Dragons! Cheers to the Mother of Dragons! Long live the Khaleesi and her dragons!
It had been one episode too many since I wowed you all. In case you forgot, I’m the Unburnt x 2 and the Mother of Dragons.
Paula: Well that ending made up for everything! I still don’t see why they don’t fly on that dragon to where they need to go. It would be much faster.
The credits roll.
Candi: My end thoughts … STILL NO GOD DAMN SEX!!! I was ready to even settle for some incest sex!! Something!! Anything!! It better be on next week!!!
Best hair: I loved Arya’s little braids and buns.
Biggest AS IF: That dummy Lord Tarly thinking he’s a better man than Sam. Bitch, please.
Biggest Fist Pump: There were so many tonight! When Benjen Starks reveals himself! When Sam comes back for Gilly and the baby! When Arya retrieves Needle! When Jaime charges his horse up the steps! When Jaime and Cersei make out! When Dany rides Drogon!
Final Thoughts: I keep thinking about that High Sparrow. He’s a real smug bastard, isn’t he? Have you noticed how he always backs down right before a fight is about to start? There is no way he’s a selfless religious man. This guy has an agenda and a thirst for power. You know what they say, once a gold digging social climber, always a gold digging social climber! But enough about that sneaky bastard. Can we talk about who else is heading to Riverrun?! Brienne! Yay! Let’s hope she and Jaime reunite on their quest for the Blackfish! As much as I love me some #twincest, I always dreamed of a Jaime and Brienne fling … but now she’s got that ginger wildling. What will happen, you guys?
KAYTI McGEE: SRSLY CERSEI
This next one goes out to Bae.
‘Remember those walls I built?
Well, baby they’re tumbling down
And they didn’t even put up a fight
They didn’t even make a sound
I found a way to let you in
But I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I got my angel now
It’s like I’ve been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin’
It’s the risk that I’m takin’
I ain’t never gonna shut you out!
Everywhere I’m looking now
I’m surrounded by your embrace
Baby, I can see your halo
You know you’re my saving grace
You’re everything I need and more
It’s written all over your face
Baby, I can feel your halo
Pray it won’t fade away
I can feel your halo (halo, halo)
I can see your halo (halo halo)’
Next up is one for our son Tommen. It’s called Irreplacable. Spoiler: I replaced him already with Frankenmountain.
‘To the left, to the left
To the left, to the left (mmmmmm)
To the left, to the left
Everything you own in the box to the left
In the closet that’s my stuff
Yes, if I bought it, please don’t touch
And keep talking that mess that’s fine
But could you walk and talk at the same time
And, it’s my name that’s on that jag
So come move your bags, let me call you a cab
Standing in the front yard
Tellin’ me, how I’m such a fool
Talkin’ ’bout, I’ll never ever find a man like you
You got me twisted
You must not know about me, you must not know about me
I could have another you in a minute
Matter of fact, he’ll be here in a minute, baby
You must not know about me, you must not know about me
I can have another you by tomorrow
So don’t you ever for a second get to thinking
So go ahead and get gone
Call up that chick and see if she’s home
Oops, I bet you thought, that I didn’t know
What did you think I was putting you out for
Because you was untrue
Rollin’ her around in the car that I bought you
Baby drop them keys
Hurry up before your taxi leaves.’
J.R. GRAY: JAIME RANTS
I think I need to kill another King. #KingSlayer
*All graphics used are in fun with fair use. They do not belong to us, but to the powers that be at HBO and Game of Thrones. No copyright infringement intended.