DIRTY GIRLS: HOLD THE DOOR
It’s the half way mark, you guys! Are you ready for week 5?
Candi: During tonight’s opening credits … I ate 4 containers of ice cream. Pints. Not gallons. Calm down people. A bag of Funyuns. And a bag of hot Cheetos. Oh and I ordered a pizza which was delivered and eaten. And I still have one minute to spare. I’m nervous. I eat when I’m nervous. And I’ve been warned about this episode. So yeah. I’m eating. LOLOL
The show opens at Castle Black with Sansa sewing. One of the Night’s Watch dudes delivers a letter to her and it’s from Littlefinger! He wants her to meet him in Mole’s Town.
Candi: I wonder how long it takes for a letter to be delivered? It probably wouldn’t be news by the time they got it. Just a random observation.
She and Brienne meet with Littlefinger. Oh snap! It’s about to go down. Look at her face! Littlefinger starts in right away about how he’s feared the worst and he’s happy to see she’s unharmed. She questions, “Unharmed?” He explains that he rode with the Knights of the Vale to come to her aid. She starts grilling him in earnest now, “Come to my aid? Did you know about Ramsay? If you didn’t know, you’re an idiot. If you did know, you’re my enemy. Would you like to hear about my wedding night? He never hurt my face because he needed the face of Ned Stark’s daughter. What do you think he did to me?” Littlefinger actually looks a little uncomfortable here. He’s backed in a corner and doesn’t know what to say. He claims he can’t even begin to contemplate. Brienne reminds him Lady Sansa asked a question and needs an answer. He finally concedes, “He beat you.” She tells him, “Yes, he enjoyed that.” Then he asks if Ramsay cut her. She says maybe you did know about him. Littlefinger starts apologizing for making a mistake and underestimating a stranger. She tells him a lady isn’t supposed to talk about the things Ramsay did to her but she supposes it’s nothing new for a brothel-keep to hear. She lets him know that she can still feel what Ramsay did to her body and she’s not talking about in her woman’s tender heart. She’s talking about actual physical pain that she still endures. Jesus Christ. I hate that sick fuck, Ramsay! She reminds him that he promised to protect her but he didn’t. Littlefinger doesn’t know what to say. She knows he can’t protect her and she doesn’t need his help. He freed her from the monsters who murdered her family, and gave her to other monsters who murdered her family. She sends him away and says she never wants to see him again. He tells her he’d do anything he could to regain her trust. Before he leaves, he advises her that her great-uncle the Blackfish has reclaimed Riverrun and she may need an army of her own one day. Damn. I love that Sansa laid it all out for him. She didn’t tell Brienne or Jon about the horrors she endured with Ramsay, but Littlefinger needed to hear. He did that to her by handing her over to the Boltons. What will Littlefinger do now? He needs Sansa if he wants to take control of the North. I can’t decide if he actually feels bad about Sansa or if he just thinks of her as a pawn.
Candi: Eww. The Pervy uncle. This fucker. OFF WITH HIS HEAD!!! Am I this girl. I think I am. If I am, I’m pretty bad ass!
Paula: Littlefinger has that raspy voice that makes me think of that guy who says “You dirty rat, you.” Who was that? I keep waiting for him to say it to Sansa.
How do you like me now, Littlefinger?
Far away in Braavos, Arya and the waif are fighting. Damn, that waif girl is good. Arya is tough as always but gets knocked on her ass several times. It pains me to watch these fight scenes. The waif snottily tells her she’s not ready and she should go home before it’s too late. Arya jumps back up. The waif drops her stick and fights her unarmed. Damn. She just punched her in the face! Ouch! She advises Arya that she’ll never be one of them and calls her Lady stark. J’agen shows up and the waif slinks off.
Paula: Is Arya ever going to kick that woman’s ass? A girl gets real bored with this.
J’agen imparts some of the history of the first faceless men. None of them were born as lords and ladies. They were born as slaves. The faceless men founded the free city of Braavos and created the House of Black and White. He promises a girl is one of them if a girl desires. She replies a girl has no desires. J’agen hands her the poison and Arya wants to know who it’s for. He gives her the name of an actress and warns her that it’s her second chance but there will not be a third.
Paula: Good lord, this Jesus guy. A girl just folded laundry while he went on and on and on.
Next we see Arya all cleaned up like a proper girl smiling while watching a play featuring King Robert Baratheon, that sniveling little shit Joffrey, and Cersei. Oh no! Some dumb oaf is playing her father, Ned Stark. Arya isn’t laughing anymore. Oh shit. Is she going to kill the actress or the oaf playing her father in the play? Ugh. They even act out the scene when her father was beheaded. Jesus. Then they bring out an actress to play her sister, Sansa, and she has to watch her get felt up by actor Tyrion. Poor Arya. She has no idea what happened to Sansa but can only imagine it was horrible. Man, they really are testing Arya with the whole “a girl is no one” mantra. I don’t like it!
Candi: What in the ever loving fudge! The little thing. OMG. The little dude has a BFF!! Ok. I’m going to be honest here. I have no fucking clue what is going on in this play. Except for the boobs.
After the play the actors are in their dressing room, and OMG we just saw that guy’s cock! That was a shock! Arya watches the goings on behind the scenes and goes back to J’agen with her thoughts. She tells him she’ll poison the actress’s rum because she’s the only one who drinks it. She wants to know who wants the actress dead, but J’agen gives her more riddles. Arya surmises that the young actress is jealous because the other actress is better.
Candi: Omfg. They just showed a pecker!!! A real life pecker!!! I think this is a first!!!! Way to go HBO!! Minus the warts and all.
Next up, Bran and the Three-Eyed Raven are in a vision at the weirwood tree above their cave. Just a reminder the weirwood trees are significant because the Children of the Forest believe they are deities and have carved faces into them. The people of the North (including the Starks) still honor the old gods and the weirwood trees. The Children of the Forest girls have a man tied to a tree and she stabs him in the heart with dragonglass and his eyes turn blue! It’s the leader dude! The Night King! Bran comes out of his vision and yells at her, “It was you! You made the white walkers!” She looks distraught and says they had to because they were at war and needed to defend themselves against men. Oh snap!
Candi: Jesus fuck. I just threw up one pint of ice cream. Why did the man tied to the tree just get killed! Who is he? Who is the scary looking girl?? Who are all these people?!?!
Paula: I have no idea what’s going on with these people in the treehouse. Why are they living under this tree?
Over at the Iron Islands, the Kingsmoot is underway. Yara Greyjoy attempts to claim the salt throne, but the men say they’ve never had a woman ruler. She gives a good speech about bringing down the lords in Westeros, but some loud mouth dude is adamant that a woman can’t rule them especially when Baylon’s male heir, Theon, has returned. Oh dear. What is Theon going to do? Thankfully, he does the right thing and tells them his sister is their rightful ruler. They know she’s a warrior! She is Iron Born! He promises them, “We will find no better leader. This is our queen.” Awww.
Candi: Ok. I think I know what’s going on. This chick was just made queen. She is the sister of the dude that helped the girl (which I think is me) escape from that piece of shit husband. That guy went back to home and his sister was pissed at him. Am I right??? I think I’m right!!! I feel confident!! Yay me!!!
Just then, Euron Greyjoy comes forward. He’s that nutty brother that killed Baylon on the swinging bridge. He claims the Iron Throne and announces that his niece and nephew have fucked everything into the ground. He even heard Theon has no cock, which explains why he thinks a woman can rule. This fucking guy. What a prick! Yara accuses him of killing her father. He freely admits he killed Baylon and threw him right over the bridge and watched him fall. He thinks Baylon was leading them nowhere and it’s time for them to move on. He has big dummy dreams about building a huge fleet of ships to sale to the Mother of Dragons to offer up his army and his cock! As if! OMFG this mofo thinks can seduce Dany?! AS IF!
Candi: Side note: cock is the word of the night.
Paula: Well that was a little anticlimactic. I was all into that thinking she was gonna be queen.
Welp, I guess promising to let his cock win Dany is all it takes for these Iron Born fools to anoint someone king. They begin to baptize him or drown him or something. Meanwhile, Yara and Theon and company run for their ships and take off. Um … I’m not sure what’s happening but I think they drowned him! But if he comes back to life, he’s their king? This is odd. They drag him out onto the beach and everyone is waiting to see what happens. Finally, he spits the water out. They crown him with some old driftwood and say what is dead must never die. I guess the Iron Born really aren’t into pomp and circumstance. I can’t stop looking at those silly sticks on his head. He looks around for his niece and nephew because he plans to murder them! But guess what? They stole all the ships! Hahahaha. This really tickled me. What do the Iron Born do when there are no ships? He orders all his people to chop some trees and build him 1,000 ships. How long do you suppose that takes?
Candi: Ok. Have no clue what happened just now. Just that they killed some dude and brought him back to life.
Paula: Yeah right. It will take them 5,000,000 years to build those ships and catch up.
Over in Vaes Dorthrak, Dany, Daario, and Jorah are surveying the landscape. She tells him she’s banished him twice and he’s saved her life. She doesn’t really know what to do with him, but he tells her she doesn’t have to decide and shows her the greyscale. She’s tearful at the sight of it. Man, they’ve shared a long history. He admits that Tyrion Lannister was right. He does love her, and he’ll always love her. Aww. Jorah. He tells her goodbye. C’mon Dany! Throw him a scrap or something FFS. Thankfully, she orders him not to walk away from his Queen because he’s not dismissed. She commands him to find the cure and heal himself and return to her because when she takes the seven kingdoms, she needs him by her side. Damn. Are they trying to gut me with this scene? He watches his beloved Khaleesi ride off at the head of her new Khalasar. Well damn. Where’s he going to find that cure?
Candi: Ahhhhh yeah!!!!! Please please please let there be reunion sex with dragon lady and hot sexy guy!!!! No no no!!!!! The stone skin guy needs to go!!! You need to go have sex with the hot guy!!! NOT HIM!!! LET HIM GO!!
In Meereen, Varys is questioning Grey Worm about whether any murders have taken place since they made the deal with the masters. It seems there’s a fragile bit of peace as there have been no killings. Tyrion claims that the tentative peace isn’t enough. They need someone the people can trust to buy this peace. Apparently he thinks a High Priestess of the Lord of Light is the answer since he’s seen them proselytizing throughout Slaver’s Bay. It’s another witchy woman who, dare I say, is hotter than Melisandre. Varys and Tyrion meet with her and Tyrion asks for her help to persuade the people to keep the peace. This woman doesn’t need any convincing because she’s a firm believer in Dany. She believes Daenerys Stormborn is the one who was promised. Ah. Interesting. She claims the dragons will purify non-believers by the thousands. Ummm, sorry cupcake, Dany isn’t fighting some holy war. Varys asks her about Stannis because Melisandre named him as the one who was promised. Ha! He says it must be hard for a fanatic to admit they are wrong. Preach it, Varys! Why in the hell is Tyrion inviting some religious nut into their house? God. Haven’t we learned anything? Look what happened when Cersei invited the High Sparrow in! Look what happened when Stannis started following the Lord of Light! I get that Tyrion understands the people are religious and will be more inclined to listen to someone like her than someone like him but it is fucking dangerous to give any of these religious people power. Next thing we know, she’ll be burning Dany’s citizens in sacrifice. Varys really wants no part of it. I think I remember that some religious fanatic castrated him. Oh I guess so because she mentions the sorcerer that cut him throwing his balls into the fire! Geez. And asks if he remembers the name that was spoken from the fire?! I guess it was Dany’s name? Did they sacrifice his balls to find out her name? This is all very weird, and I don’t like it one bit. Tyrion, you haven’t steered me wrong yet. Please don’t start now.
Candi: Ah. Little dude. Don’t tell anyone, but…I’m starting to grow a fondness of this guy. He’s like a hemorrhoid. A funny little hemorrhoid that won’t go away.
We see Bran again. He’s just chilling in the cave under the weirwood tree and crawls over to the tree throne. He grabs a branch and gets another vision. This time he’s out in the middle of the nowhere and sees an army of white walkers. He walks to the back of the crowd and sees the four horseman dudes. You know the ones! They faced off against Jon Snow during the battle at Hardhome. The Night King walks forward. He can see Bran in the vision! He grabs his arm! Eeep! Bran wakes up and tells the Raven that the white walker touched him. He even has a mark on his arm from where he was touched. The Raven says they will come for him now because they know where he is. Oh dear. Bran thinks he’s safe in the cave but now they can get in because he’s marked him! Shit. This is scary, you guys! The Raven says it’s time for Bran to become him. Bran asks if he’s ready, and the man replies no.
Candi: God. The lighting in this scene is awful. I see nothing but eyes. They need to get out of this cave. Or light a fire. Ohh much better. He’s outside now. Are those people?!?! What are those things???! OH. EMM. GEE. ITS THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE!!! Omg. It’s the blue people!!!! From last season!!! These are the scariest bastards!!!
Back at the Wall, Jon, Davos, Tormund, Sansa, Brienne, and company are discussing the attack plan on Winterfell. They are weighing their options of which houses will fight with them. Davos is concerned about all the people that have stood by Ramsay after the Boltons helped murder her family. Sansa tells Davos that the people in the north are different. They are more loyal. Sansa also relays the news that the Blackfish has reclaimed Riverrun. Sansa doesn’t mention that she heard this from Littlefinger though. She lies and tells them Ramsay got a raven about it before she fled Winterfell. Interesting. Sansa comes up with a plan for Brienne to go to Riverrun to let her great-uncle know that they need his help, and she doesn’t trust sending a raven as she’s afraid Ramsay will intercept it. Brienne doesn’t want to leave Sansa alone there with Davos and Melisandre and their blood magic. Brienne concedes that Jon is trustworthy even though he’s brooding. Ha. This made me laugh. And don’t even get her started on that red haired wildling! He keeps looking at her. I love this! Sansa assures Brienne that Jon is her brother and he will keep her safe and she trusts him. Brienne asks why she lied to him then. Good question, Brienne. Unfortunately, we don’t see Sansa’s answer. The next scene we get is Sansa in a pretty new dress that she made with a wolf embroidered on it. She also made Jon some sort of clothing with a wolf like their father used to wear. Jon looks touched. Every one saddles up, and I’m cracking up at Tormund. He is giving Brienne the eye and it’s making my life! Jon and Edd embrace goodbye and off they go to gather up an army to win the North.
Candi: Ohh much better. Hi, Jon Snow! Do I smell a love connection with the ginger and the horse lady???
Paula: I’m loving Jon Snow’s new ponytail do this season. *heart eyes*
Back at the cave, Meera is excitedly talking to Hodor about all the cool things they get to do and eat when they leave the cave. She’s been waiting for so long! She and Hodor are packing up while Bran and the Raven are having a vision. Oh shit. Meera can see their breaths all of a sudden. She goes running to the opening of the cave and sees the army of the dead outside. Holy shit! The Night King dude is there waiting. Eeep. He touches the ground and it cracks! The Children of the Forest girl (oh thank fuck, I finally Googled and her name is Leaf!) tells Meera to get Bran and run. Meera races back to Bran and tries to wake him to no avail. He and the Raven are in a vision at Winterfell when Ned Stark was a kid. In the present the children and Leaf are throwing ice balls that turn to fire at the white walkers. The Night King walks right through it. So creepy! In the vision, Ned is being sent to board at the Vale. Remember, the Vale is where Ned and Robert Baratheon became besties. There must be some significance of this scene because the Raven brought him here. But what is it?
Candi: Damn it. Now I want bacon.
Meanwhile back in the present, those dead army dudes are in the cave and it’s a free for all, you guys! Meera is screaming at Bran to try and wake him up. She’s screaming at him to warg into Hodor because she needs Hodor to carry Bran out of there. Bran can hear Meera yelling when he’s in the past in his vision. He’s warged into Hodor in the present and Hodor picks Bran up. They begin to run and OMFG those goddamn dead army motherfuckers attack and kill Summer. *sniffs* We’ve lost another direwolf, you guys. Back in the past, the Raven tells Bran the time has come and orders Bran to leave him. In the present, the Night King murders the Raven and Bran sees him disappear in the vision. This is so weird and it’s all happening so fast! Eep! Leaf helps save them because she sacrifices herself by blowing up a bunch of the dead army. Oh my god. Hodor is trying to get Meera and Bran to safety out the door but there are literally hundreds of dead dudes. Meera and Hodor lock the dead army in. Meera is yelling at Hodor to hold the door.
Candi: Oh my god. WAKE UP!!!!!! OMG the dog!!!!!!!!
In the past, Bran can hear all the commotion and wargs into young Hodor who has a seizure and starts chanting “hold the door” over and over again. Oh my god. This is so sad. The scene keeps going back and forth from past to present with child Hodor yelling hold the door, while adult Hodor is being attacked by the army of the dead through the door. Eventually the only word young Hodor can say is a combination of all three words. Hodor. How sad. Poor Hodor! He sacrifices both versions of himself for Bran and the cause. Meera makes her escape with Bran. God, this whole thing was so fucking sad.
Excuse me, can you hold the door for me? … too soon?
Candi: Hold the door!!!
Paula: Oh my god. How confusing. And how sad. Hold the door *cries*
The credits roll.
Candi: Welp. This episode sucked. That poor dog!!!!! Those whimpers!!! And still no sex. I am not happy.
Best hair: Brienne’s hair is on fleek, you guys.
Biggest AS IF: That dummy, Euron Greyjoy, thinking he’s going to seduce Dany. AS IF!
Biggest Fist Pump: When Sansa told Littlefinger what happened to her. That was seriously one of the most powerful moments I’ve seen on this show. I love how strong she is!
Final Thoughts: Hold the door, huh? How heartbreaking was that? I just have to give it up for GRRM because how much planning, plotting, note taking, etc goes into creating this world where a character’s name becomes so much more? We met Hodor in season one and now in season 6, the significance of his name finally takes hold. Kudos to GRRM and HBO! That scene was beautifully shot with the back and forth. I don’t care one little bit if other people think it was cheesy. It made us cry, dammit!
KAYTI McGEE: SRSLY CERSEI
They mocked me. But a girl will avenge me.
J.R. GRAY: JAIME RANTS
I wasn’t in the episode so I’m tempted not to comment at all, but…
You know why the Iron Born can’t have nice things? Because they drown their king before they’ll let him rule. This is some real old god bullshit. When you live like savages Westeros is going to treat you as such.
Hodor was the only good part of the Stark lot.
*All graphics used are in fun with fair use. They do not belong to us, but to the powers that be at HBO and Game of Thrones. No copyright infringement intended.