PRAISE THE LORD OF LIGHT!
You guys! I was flying back from Texas tonight when the episode aired. We landed at 11:30 pm, and I didn’t even turn my phone on because I was so afraid of spoilers. My wife had three different GoT texts when she turned her phone on and one said “DO NOT GO ON THE INTERNET!” She put her phone away after that, and we walked through the airport avoiding all TVs and turned off the radio as soon as we got in the car. Thank the Seven we made it home safe and sound without any spoilers! But this reap is full of them.
Are you ready for episode 2?! The previously seen on makes me excited to see what Bran’s been up to, makes me groan about the Iron Island story (that was probably one of my least favorite parts of the books), and groan again cause it looks like we won’t be seeing the Khaleesi tonight.
Candi: Why don’t I ever just fast forward through the credits? Why has this JUST occurred to me to do this?! I think complaining about it is way more fun lol. I also get a lot of stuff done during this time. Such as I just crocheted a blanket. Let’s see what I do next week!
The episode opens with Bran and the three-eyed raven who has taken the human shape of an old man. They are both dead eyed out in the middle of a vision. Bran went back to days of Winterfell past when his father (Ned Stark), uncle Benjen, and aunt Lyanna were all kids. Who does Lyanna remind you of when she comes riding in full of sass and confidence? Arya! Looks like she takes after her aunt Lyanna. I love this! I’m also super excited about this flash back scene because I think we may finally -finally- get to see the story of Jon Snow’s true parentage via Bran’s flashbacks. Plus … PLUS! We get to see Hodor when he was a kid and he could talk back then! I hope we find out what happened to make him only say Hodor.
Paula: What in the world is going on? Am I watching the right thing? Who are these people? Is he calling him Hodor? Isn’t that Lord of The Rings? Am I watching GoT?
Candi: Ok. I’m beyond confused. Weren’t the old dude and the other kid dead?? Ahhh. It was a dream. I think. Well at least they aren’t dead. This is like one bad acid trip.
Outside, I’m happy to see Bran’s friend / protector Meera is still with Bran even though she seems bored to tears. Bran excitedly recaps his vision of the past to her but she wants none of it. I imagine she wants to fight or do something to avenge her brother’s death. Anything must be better than hiding out in that cave while Bran has his visions. One of the children of the forest girls tells Meera that Brandon Stark needs her. He’s not going to stay in the cave forever and he’ll need her out there.
Candi: And who is this kid?? And girl? Why don’t I know these people??
Here’s a short bit of back-story for Paula and Candi. I imagined them wondering who in the hell this Bran character is! Let’s see … he’s Arya and Sansa’s brother, he became crippled when Jaime Lannister threw him from a tower at Winterfell way back in episode 1, season 1 when he caught Jaime and Cersei having sex. This was in the olden days when I loathed Jaime. Sigh. But since Bran was injured, he’s discovered he’s a warg and can go into animal form, human form, and apparently he can also go back in time. His journey has led him to the three-eyed raven person who is trying to train him with these visions and maybe this will eventually help against the war with the white walkers? In other words, Bran is important, you guys.
Over at the Wall, the standoff between Alliser Thorne and his co-traitors is still happening with Davos and the men loyal to Jon guarding his body. This asshole Thorne even says he’ll set the direwolf free. From all the arrows pointing at the door, it looks like Thorne’s promise to keep the peace is bullshit and both sides prepare for a fight. Davos tells the men he’s never been much of a fighter and apologizes for what they are about to see. Ghost is ready to do some serious damage as the traitors try to break the door down but they are interrupted by some pounding and holy shit it’s the giant!! Oh snap! Here come the wildlings with Tormund and Ed (aka Longhair) to save the day. The traitors don’t want to go against a wildling army with a giant and put down their weapons. Thorne curses Ed and calls him a traitor. Ed reminds him he’s the traitor that killed the Lord Commander. He has Thorne and his cronies rounded up and put in jail cells. I was really hoping they’d kill Thorne here, but I guess it’s better to lock them up. For now. Ed takes Tormund into the room to pay his respects to Jon’s dead body.
Paula: Oh I am watching the right thing. People are about to die.
Candi: Awww Jon Snow!! Why can’t these assholes leave the good gang alone already!! Omg the jolly green giant scares the bejesus out of me!!! HAHAHA!! Gold star for the JGG!! That has to be the best death ever!!
Down in King’s Landing we see a local peasant talking shit about Cersei’s walk of shame and casting aspersions about the size of Jaime’s manhood! A half an inch shy of an inch. What? As if! His buddies are laughing it up and then we see him alone taking a piss. This does not bode well. The Mountain comes out of nowhere and bashes his head in the wall. Take that! That splatter was pretty impressive. I have no love lost for the Mountain but this scene cracked me up.
Candi: Holy fucking shit!! That is the scariest mask ever!!! WHAT THE FUCK!! His brains just splattered on the wall!! Who is that guy behind the mask?!?!
Next the Mountain goes to see Cersei, with his arm still bloody from the shit talker, to escort her to Myrcella’s funeral. The other King’s Guard members forbid her from leaving the Red Keep on the King’s orders because she won’t be allowed in the sept and King Tommen is concerned about her safety among the Faith Militant. There’re a few minutes of tension as the King’s Guard does not relish a fight with the Mountain but Cersei stands down. This must be a new leaf she’s turned over since her punishment.
Over at Baylor’s sept, Jaime and King Tommen stand over Myrcella’s body. Tommen notes that she’s grown and questions whether they have found Prince Trystane’s murderers. He guesses it was Cersei but Jaime assures him she wouldn’t have done that. Jaime chides Tommen about not letting Cersei come to the funeral. Poor Tommen laments that he was weak and didn’t stand up to the Faith Militant when they took his wife and mother. He should have done more, he should have killed all of them before he let them treat his mother that way and march her through the streets like a common whore. He’s so ashamed for being weak and he’s carrying around a lot of guilt but he’s a young kid so I’ll cut him some slack. He just needs good council and was clearly lacking it during that difficult time! Also, he’s a good kid so I’m sure he’s not long for this world. Jaime advises him to apologize to his mother.
Candi: What is with those eyes on her eyes?!?!!
In walks the High Sparrow. Is he crazy? Is Jaime going to kill him for subjecting his beloved Cersei to that public shaming and everything else she had to endure? The High Sparrow finally explains what the creepy eye stones mean. They are there so they won’t fear death and can go into the new world with their eyes open or something like that. King Tommen demands to see his wife, Margaery, but the High Sparrow tells him she’s still working on her confession. Jaime sends Tommen away to Cersei.
It’s just Jaime and the High Sparrow now. Oh snap. Jaime questions his audacity to show up there after what he did to Cersei. The High Sparrow responds that Cersei confessed her sins and atoned. Jaime wants to know what of his sins: killing the Mad King he was sworn to protect, killing a cousin, etc. He reaches for his sword and the High Sparrow questions whether he’d spill blood in a holy place. Jaime is convinced the gods have spilled a hell of a lot more blood than he has. They exchange some more barbs and then his Faith Militant army dudes show up. Jaime is most definitely outnumbered if this turns into a battle. Jaime assures him he could kill him before his guards could stop him. The High Sparrow doesn’t fear death, but he does impart some words about his army being poor and powerless yet together they can overthrow an empire. It’s a real class divide up in here. The High Sparrow leaves without further ado.
Candi: Can I add a side note?? The lighting on this show is horrible! Why is everything so damn dark?!! I hate it!
King Tommen goes to see Cersei and answers her questions about what gown Myrcella is wearing. He apologizes for keeping her from the funeral. He tells her he was wrong and he should have seen her sooner. He makes an impassioned plea that he should have executed all of them before he let them do what they did to her. He knows she would have done that for him. He knows she raised him to be strong and he wasn’t, but he wants to be. He asks her to help him be strong. Cersei promises him, “always” and they embrace. This is a really moving scene. *sniffs*
Candi: Ahhh the drunk lady is drinking wine from a martini glass!! Why do I find this funny?!
Way across the world in Meereen, Tyrion is doing what he does best, knowing things and drinking. I love him! He’s with Varys, Grey Worm, and Missandei discussing the eunuchs lack of cocks, no offense Grey Worm, and the status of Meereen. They don’t know who caught the fleet on fire yet and the other bad news is that the masters have taken charge of the surrounding cities and slavery is back in Slaver’s Bay. Tyrion wants to use the dragons to take back some of their power. Missandei tells him the dragons are on a hunger strike since Dany aka Queen Daenerys aka Mother of Dragons aka the Khaleesi rode off on Drogon. Tyrion questions Missandei on how often she’s been around the dragons and she confirms she was around them a lot and they never tried to harm her. Tyrion is convinced that dragons are intelligent creatures, perhaps smarter than men. They have affection for their friends and fury for their enemies. He plans to be their friend.
Candi: The little dude just made a joke and I actually laughed! That’s a first!
Tyrion and Varys go into the crypt and Tyrion ventures forward while Varys waits at the top of the stairs. Tyrion cautiously walks into the crypt area and you can hear the dragons breathing and rustling about. Eeeep! I’m so nervous! But it’s Tyrion. They won’t hurt him, right? RIGHT? Tyrion continues on until he comes face to face with one of them. I don’t think I’m breathing anymore. The dragon does a smell test of sorts on Tyrion while he tells stories of how he dreamed of seeing dragons, and he is friends with their mother. This made me laugh. It was quite charming albeit scary! He continues to do this soothing voice routine and tentatively unchains the first dragon. The second dragon walks over and basically offers up his chained neck for Tyrion to unchain him. I loved this! So now both dragons are unchained! Tyrion sort of made friends with them and he hightails it back to Varys. He asks Varys to punch him in the face next time he gets a crazy assed idea. Ha!
Candi: I swear if something jumps out I’ll lose my shit! Awww poor little dude. That was a sad dragon story.
Over in Braavos, Arya is still the beggar girl when the waif shows up to fight again. She continues to kick Arya’s ass with that stick because Arya is still having trouble with the whole no sight situation. Arya starts going crazy and swinging her stick all over the place but the waif is already gone. Someone grabs Arya’s stick and it’s Jagen H’ghar! I don’t care how weird he is with his riddles, I kind of love him. I’ll always remember him showing Arya kindness and helping her out back in the day when she was stuck at Harrenhal. I digress. He starts doing his who are you shtick and she continues to answer nobody. He tells her she can sleep under a roof if she’ll tell him her name, she can have food if she’ll tell him her name, and finally the biggest challenge, she can have her eyesight back if she tells him her name. I think at this point Arya and the rest of us breathe a sigh of relief. It will be possible to get her eyesight back when she’s done with this portion of training for the Many Faced God. Jagen gives a little smile when Arya more forcefully responds that she’s nobody. He tells her she can come with him, as she’s not a beggar girl anymore. Looks like she passed this part of the test!
Paula: Not the name stuff again with Jesus. Grrrrr. FYI: A girl still has no idea what he’s talking about.
Candi: This poor little girl! I hope she beats the shit out of this Bitchbag!! SAY YOUR NAME SAY YOUR NAME!!
In present day Winterfell, Ramsay and a Karstark son are giving the news to Roose Bolton that the men searching for Theon and Sansa were slaughtered. They are wondering who helped them. Roose is basically like your “best men” my ass. They all seem to be on the same page that Sansa is likely headed to the Wall to get help from her half-brother Jon Snow. Ramsay claims he can storm the Wall and kill Jon Snow and get Sansa back. Roose basically tells him, “Bitch, please.” Every house in the North will be after them if they go against the Night’s Watch, etc. The Karstark son smarts off that they’ll never stand with the Starks after Robb Stark chopped his dad’s head off. Touché. Roose warns his bastard son, Ramsay, that if he acts like a mad dog people will tire of him and treat him like a mad dog and use him for pig feed. Eeeep. That sounds ominous. Just then the maester walks in and announces Walda Frey Bolton has given birth to a son. Oh shit! Ramsay doesn’t look pleased as Roose beams. Now Roose has another son. A legitimate, trueborn son. What does this mean for Ramsay? Ramsay congratulates his father and Roose tells him that he’ll always be his first-born. Ramsay hugs him and holy fucking shit! What just happened? He stabbed him! Oh my god. Ramsay stabbed his father. Shit! Don’t get me wrong. I hate Roose Bolton as much as the next Stark fan, but you have to admit the guy had some serious game of thrones skills and was all about the end game. Who the hell can rein in his crazy ass son now if Roose isn’t around to stop him? The Karstark dude just stands there so I’m sure this was all preplanned, and the maester looks ready to shit himself. Ramsay orders the maester to bring him Lady Walda and the boy. Eeeep.
Ps, did any of you think for one hot second that Roose stabbed Ramsay? They filmed that beautifully cause for a second, I thought Ramsay was dying and I got so excited. Damnit.
Paula: You know what? I should have seen that coming. I should have known Ramsay was going to stab him. WHY DIDN’T I?
Candi: Jesus Christ!!! This little shit is king!!
Next we see Ramsay standing outside at Winterfell and Walda Frey Bolton walks up with the baby. It’s clear she doesn’t know yet that Ramsay has murdered Roose. Ramsay asks to hold his baby brother and she hesitates but hands him over anyways to be polite. Why are us women always so fucking polite? You know that sick fucker made her skin scrawl! Plus, she has to know he’s concerned about his place since a new male heir was born. She reminds him she needs to see his father and he leads her into the kennels. Ugh. I do not want to have to watch this. I’m so tense right now. He is the worst! The dogs are barking and going crazy, she’s getting really scared now and keeps asking for his father while Ramsay unlocks the dogs’ gates. She asks to be taken to Lord Bolton, and he announces he is Lord Bolton. She really starts to beg in earnest now. She promises she’ll leave and go back home to the River Lands and he’ll never see the baby again. It doesn’t sway him as he prefers to be an only child. He sics the dogs on her and that poor baby. Thankfully we don’t have to see their gory end but we get to see his nasty little devil’s smirk while it’s happening. I mean honestly. Is he the most hated man in the history of the show? I always thought it was Joffrey but this sick f-ck takes the cake. Are you terrified of what he will do next?!
Can I schedule a play date with my baby bro … ? What? Too soon?
Paula: Okay. How is she walking around right after giving birth? And he’s going to kill them, isn’t he? Of course he is.
Candi: Omg. OMG. Omg. Is he….no…he wouldn’t kill a baby??? Omg please let me be wrong!! I…I have no words. I think I may throw up.
Somewhere in the woods we see the Sansa and Brienne crew. Brienne is letting Sansa know that Arya was in good health the last time she saw her so at least Sansa knows she escaped King’s Landing after their father was murdered by Joffrey way back in season 1. Brienne said she was with a man (the Hound *sniffs*) and seemed to want to be with him. Sansa asked how she looked and Brienne replied good but not like a lady. Sansa smiled at this and said she didn’t imagine she would. Aww. This warmed my heart. The two sisters fought so much as siblings do, but they always loved each other. I’m glad that Sansa can have this hope that her little sister is alive and safe somewhere far from the Lannisters and Boltons. Brienne wants to know what happened at Winterfell. Sansa doesn’t fall apart; she doesn’t go into the gory details. She simply tells Brienne that she should have gone with her when she had the chance. Gah.
I don’t suppose there are any lemon cakes out here?
Candi: Ohhh look! It’s me!! I don’t actually remember my character’s name. Or who she is. At least I’m not a dead whore anymore!! Or Tyrion! But I look cold. And hungry. Yes. I’m probably hungry.
Speaking of what went down at Winterfell, Pod is trying to start a fire and Theon is really on edge here because he knows Ramsay will not stop hunting them down. He wants to keep moving, he doesn’t want any fires. He’s still riddled with guilt over betraying Robb and killing those innocent farmer boys in place of Bran and Rickon. They discuss going to the Wall to see Jon Snow and Theon says Jon will kill him on sight for betraying the Starks but Sansa says she won’t let them kill him. I guess now that Theon has shaken off his Reek identity he just wants to go home and atone. They hug goodbye while Brienne watches.
Candi: Another side note…there has yet to be any sex. Yes, I’m still paying attention from last year. BRING ON THE SEX!!
Now we’re over at the Iron Islands with Balon Greyjoy (Theon’s father) and Yara Greyjoy (his sister). (Side note: I got so confused because I remembered her as Asha from the books but I guess the show runners changed her name to Yara so viewers wouldn’t confuse her with Osha, the wildling woman that helped protect Bran and Rickon when Theon stormed Winterfell.) Yara and her father are bickering about the status of the Iron Islands. Yara tries to convince him that they can’t hold the armies on the mainland but nobody can beat them at sea. He gives her shit for trying to rescue Theon when she did but she stands firm that he was her brother and, of course, she’d tried to help him. I really hope Theon and Yara are reunited at some point. She’s a badass, and we need all the badass females we can get on this show. Baylon mocks her for wanting to keep the peace and storms off.
Candi: Now who are these two people?? Jesus I can’t keep up! I have no idea what the hell is going on in this scene. So I’m going to go take a potty break.
Next we see old Balon Greyjoy out on a really rickety looking creepy bridge blowing around in a storm that looks like it’s about to fall over, and we see another creepy dude dressed all in black. It turns out it’s his long lost younger brother Euron Greyjoy. There’s no affection between these two. Balon seems like a real wretched old prick while Euron seems a little cuckoo for coco puffs. I barely remember this story from the books, but I think he’s basically a bad dude. A pirate and pillager and rapist. You know. The usual. So the brothers bicker and Euron announces it’s time for a new King and without a care in the world just throws him off the shaky bridge. Damn.
Next we see a funeral for Balon Greyjoy. Everyone recites the Iron Island motto, what is dead may never die. Yara thinks she should rule because it’s what her father would want. One of her other uncles, Aeron, is a priest for the Drowned God and says it doesn’t matter what Balon wanted because there will be a Kingsmoot, which if I remember correctly is like an election or competition type of thing to see who can become the ruler of the Iron Island. I guess Yara and Euron and maybe another brother will fight for the title? I wonder how Theon will fit into this.
Paula: Who are these sea people? He looks like Merlin. They can build those enormous castles but can’t build a bridge that doesn’t swing? Welp, goodbye Merlin. Sorry I didn’t get to know you before you DIED.
Back at the Wall, Davos goes to see the Red Woman. She looks dispirited and cold. Davos asks her if she has any magic to bring Jon back to life because he’s seen her work her magic in the past with the shadow demon baby plus she survived drinking poison way back in season 2 when he tried to poison her. He asks if she’s seen anyone brought back to life. She confirms she has but thinks the man who did it was a better priest than her. She admits to Davos that everything she saw in the flames was a lie. She seems distraught as everything she believed in is falling apart. Davos tells her he’s never been a spiritual man and he doesn’t give a shit about the Lord of Light or any of the so-called gods, but he believes in her because he’s seen what she can do.
Candi: I’m back!! And perfect timing!! Please work your magic old magic witch lady!!! #lettucepray
Cut back to them being in the room with Jon’s body. They’ve stripped off Jon’s clothes and she’s cleaning the blood off of him. There are so many stab wounds on his chest and stomach. She starts chanting some sort of prayer in a different language and cuts pieces of his hair and beard to throw in the flames. She rinses his hair with water. Like some sort of baptism? Next she places her hands on his chest and continues to pray. Every once in a while she looks at his face but there is no response. Her prayers are sounding more and more desperate and the music is getting louder and more ominous. This is all very tense! Davos and Tormund are exchanging looks. She gives one final plea of “please” and removes her hands. She looks at Davos and is utterly defeated. Tormund storms out.
Paula: Jon Snow looks so tiny on that table. He’s already dead so they can’t really trick me again. Unless they make him deader.
Candi: God, Jon Snow even looks sexy while dead!
Meanwhile, poor Ghost looks to be in mourning with his eyes closed next to Jon. Melisandre leaves next, followed by Ed. Davos stays for a few more seconds watching Jon. Nothing happens so he leaves too. And not to be totally creepy but Jon Snow is still so gorgeous. Have you ever seen a more beautiful dead person? The camera cuts to Ghost and suddenly Ghost perks up and looks at Jon and oh my god! Holy fucking shit! Jon opens his eyes and takes several huge gulps of air! Praise the Lord of Light, the Seven, the old gods and the new, and sweet baby Jesus! Jon Snow is alive, you guys!!!
Paula: YESSSSSS. Okay, that made all the dead people tonight WORTH IT.
J.r. Gray: Also, I was not eyefucking John Snow’s dead body.
Dirty Girls: We sure were!
The credits roll.
Best hair: Missandei! I just realized I’ve never named her and her hair is always on point!
Biggest AS IF: I feel like there were quite a few tonight but I’m going to go with that peasant dude talking about Jaime’s manhood. A half of a half inch my ass!
Biggest Fist Pump: When Jon snow came back to life!!! Jon lives!!!
Final Thoughts: This episode was fucking amazing! So much cool stuff to look forward to between Jon and Sansa and Arya and Bran and Tyrion and the dragons! I already think the show will make me more interested in the Iron Island storyline than the books did. I know that’s blasphemous, but I’m intrigued by this Euron dude and what will happen with Yara.
KAYTI MCGEE: SRSYLY CERSEI
Thank the old gods (super over the new ones at current) that my smoking hot brother dealt with parenting my least favorite child. You may say my only remaining child, but after he so eloquently defended my honor I have decided to adopt Frankenmountain. Cersei out.
JR GRAY: JAIME RANTS
Well Cersei looked hot. And maybe my son will grow some balls. Turns out I’m still the most badass Lannister.
How dare you people! Those religious dudes are all going down.
Tyrion is still not funny and I’m pretty sure he shit his pants during the dragon feeding.
Ramsey is the kind of thing that happens during a long cold winter when men turn to fucking goats and children are produced.
Not that I’m looking, but Jon Snow looks pretty damn good naked. Breaks out the wine since he’s still dead…
-watches Jon Snow sit up and spits wine all over-
*All graphics used are in fun with fair use. They do not belong to us, but to the powers that be at HBO and Game of Thrones. No copyright infringement intended.