THE DIRTY GIRLS: WELCOME BACK!
You guys! I’m so excited! It’s been a long cold year since we’ve played the Game of Thrones. Just a reminder, this recap and all others will be chock full of spoilers.
I always love the “previously seen on” bit at the beginning of a new season. Oooh! I hope we see what Margaery’s been up to. Fucking Stannis! Ooh the grey scale on Jorah! Drogon! Ugh, the Sand Snakes! And that touching Jaime and Myrcella scene. Arya! Cersei’s walk of shame. God, that was the worst. Oh Jon Snow. Are you alive? I forgot how much I hate that stupid Olly kid. For the Watch, my ass! My wife keeps saying, “I forgot about that!” I reread last year’s recaps so I remembered. 😉
Candi: Well here we are. Another season. Another beginning of the longest intro. I think the credits are still rolling from last season. And once again, I almost fell asleep, cleaned my kitchen, and did two loads of laundry.
Paula: I swear that kid looks like he’s from Children of the Corn.
The theme music gives me the chills! Are you ready?!
Paula: This music is the best part of the show.
We open on Jon’s body bleeding out at Castle Black. Ghost is howling. Where is he? Oh, Ghost is locked up. How sad is this? He’s crying for Jon. Ser Davos hears Ghost howling and is alarmed. He goes to see what’s up and discovers Jon’s body around the same time Jon’s friends come running up. They bring Jon into Davos’s room and place him on the table. Some of these guys have been his friends since season 1, but I don’t know any of their names. The one with the long hair closes Jon’s eyes. Hm. I don’t know about you guys, but he looks pretty damn dead to me. But I still have hope! Almost immediately, long hair announces it was Alliser Thorne that killed Jon.
Candi: Poor Jon snow (the only full name I know)!!!!!! NO NO NO NO!!! He can’t be dead!! If he’s dead. I quit!
Meanwhile, Ghost is still howling and Ser Davos asks the longhaired dude if the wolf knows him because he’s thinking they need all the protection they can get. Davos wants to know how many of the Night Watch brothers can be trusted. Long hair says only the men in this room. Lady Melisandre aka the Red Woman knocks on the door and all the men draw their swords. She comes in and seems really upset to see Jon. She whispers that she saw him in the flames fighting at Winterfell. Ser Davos says he doesn’t know about her flames, but Jon’s gone. She touches his cheek.
Alliser Thorne is holding court in the meeting room. A lot of men are arguing because they don’t know what’s going on. He announces that he and the council killed Jon Snow and yes they committed treason. Damn! The men are calling him a traitor. He gives a speech about loyalty meaning everything to him, but Jon was going to destroy the Night’s Watch because he let the wildlings behind the gates. Blah blah blah. Alliser is convinced that Jon made a terrible mistake by dealing with those savage wildlings and thinks he’s justified in killing Jon.
Back to Jon, Ghost is finally in the room with them and he’s whimpering at Jon’s side. Long hair is pissed off and tells Davos that Jon was his friend, and those fuckers butchered him! This dude wants to fight today to avenge Jon’s death. The men know they are outnumbered and are prepared to die to honor Jon. Davos points out that they are not the only ones who owe loyalty to Jon. Oh that’s right! The wildlings!
Candi: “Those fuckers!!” HAHAHA!!
At Winterfell, Ramsay Bolton is standing over Myranda’s dead body remembering when he saw her the first time when she was 11 years old and a lowly kennel master’s daughter. He remembers that she was fearless and wasn’t afraid of anything, including him, unlike the poor maester who is listening to this strange eulogy. He tells Myranda her pain will be repaid 1000 times over and he wishes she could be here to watch it. Jesus. This does not bode well for Sansa and Theon. The maester wants to know if she should be buried or burned. Ramsay orders that she be fed to the hounds since she’s still good meat. Nice to see Ramsay hasn’t lost his charm. Have I mentioned I hate him?
Next we see Roose Bolton commending Ramsay for defeating Stannis, but he’s throwing some shade because he reminds him that Stannis’s pitiful starving deserted army is nothing compared to what he will face against a well-armed Lannister army. He tells his bastard son that he played his creepy games with the heir to Winterfell (Sansa) and the heir to the Iron Island (Theon). Clearly Roose is concerned about this since they’ve escaped. He knows the only way the North will back them is if they are fighting for Sansa Stark. Ramsay assures him that his best men and hounds are looking for Sansa and Theon. Roose idly mentions that he better hope Lady Walda has a boy so Roose has an heir if Ramsay doesn’t find Sansa and Theon. Take that!
Oh look! Sansa and Theon are running for their lives. They survived the jump! Yay! It looks really cold out there, you guys. They cross an icy river to throw the hounds off their scent. Theon is well aware of what those hounds will do to people, and he warns Sansa that they need to keep moving. After they cross the river, they look freezing. They sort of have an awkward hug to keep warm. They hear shouting and dogs in the distance. Theon gets up to leave and promises to get them off her scent. She’s rightfully terrified and asks him to stay with her. He runs out to the clearing and fucking Bolton’s men show up with the dogs. Godamnit. They demand to know where Sansa is and Theon claims she died. They know he’s lying and taunt Theon about which body part Ramsay will cut off next. (For all you newbies, Ramsay cut his cock off a few seasons ago.) The men discover Sansa, and just as I’m cursing to the new gods and the old, someone else comes riding up on a horse! Who is it? Holy shit! It’s Brienne of Tarth and Pod! Yayayayay! I was not expecting this!
Candi: Ok. I’m confused. I thought the girl with that piece of shit husband, jumped from the wall and died. Now she’s alive. These people are fucking magical. Jesus. She has to be freezing.
Paula: Oh my god. I already can’t take this show. Are those hounds going to eat Reek? I like him, so that probably means yes.
Now it’s a full on fight y’all! Swords are flying, and oh no, Brienne is down! It’s gonna be ugly. That fucker kicked her in the head! Ok yes! She slit his throat. Oh look! Pod is fighting too. Damn! She took another one out. Where did those hounds go? Theon grabs a sword. I’m sure he doesn’t know who the hell this woman is and is likely wondering what’s up. Ok there’s one more flayed man left and he’s gunning for Pod. Don’t kill Pod! Don’t kill Pod! Oh thank god! Theon killed the dude. Phew! What do you think? Has Theon redeemed himself yet for betraying Robb and the rest of the Starks? I really think he’s gone a long way to find redemption. We shall see.
Guess what, you guys? I had some major changes in the off season! I’m not a dead whore anymore!
Candi: So much blood!
Now that all of Ramsay’s men are dead, Brienne bows to Sansa and offers her fealty. She promises she’ll shield her back and give her council. She swears it by the old gods and the new. Sansa finally accepts Brienne’s service; remember Brienne tried to offer her protection at the beginning of last season and Sansa refused. Sansa begins to recite an oath that she likely heard her father say many times. She vows that Brienne will always have a place by her heart and meat and mead at her table. Pod helps her with the rest of the words in the oath. Awww that’s so sweet! This is making me tear up! Sansa looks relieved. She has a protector in Brienne, and we all know Brienne is the most honorable woman on the show. I wonder how Theon and Brienne will get along? Wait. Is Brienne the first person to bend the knee to Sansa? Is she Queen of the North?!
We see the Dornish ship sailing into King’s Landing. Cersei looks all cleaned up in her chambers with her new short hair. She looks beautiful! One of her maid ladies announces a ship from Dorne is back. Cersei actually genuinely looks happy and cries, “Myrcella!” as she goes running towards the ship. Oh man. I really don’t think I can take Cersei’s heartbreak when she discovers that her daughter is dead. We see Jaime standing on the boat waiting for her. She sees Jaime looking brokenhearted, and spots the coffin draped in a gold cover. She knows. Fuck. I really never thought I’d say this but … poor Cersei.
Later Jaime is in his sexy leather shirt! Thank you HBO! Cersei asks if she remembers the first time he saw a dead body. Jaime remembers it was their mother. Cersei’s describing their mother’s decomposing body … uh … why did Tywin Lannister let his kids see their dead mother’s body? This could explain a lot of Cersei’s problems. Just sayin. Jaime tells her Myrcella is gone and no one can hurt her now. Cersei reminisces that Myrcella was good and sweet from her very first breath. She was nothing like Cersei, as she had no jealousy or meanness in her. Cersei remembers thinking if she could make something so good and so pure like Myrcella than maybe she’s not a monster after all. Jaime won’t stand for this kind of talk. He tells her he failed her. Cersei tells him about the witch and the prophecy from her childhood. The witch warned that she’d have three dead children. Jaime says fuck the prophecy and fuck all of them! We are going to take back everything they took from us and more! Ooh I like this version of Jaime. Isn’t this a bit of a role reversal for these two? The last few times we’ve seen them together, Jaime has been down and out. He was still suffering the loss of his sword hand, but now he’s fired up! Also, there’s something endearing about this vulnerable side of Cersei.
Candi: Ahh. Jaime. Still in leather. And I just love how his sister is looking lovingly at him. LET THE INCEST BEGIN!!! WHEE!!!
Over with the Faith Militant nun ladies, the shame lady is reading to Margaery. The woman keeps chanting, “confess” as Margaery demands to see her brother. The High Sparrow comes in and advises Septa Unella that other guests need her attention. Holy shit! We finally have a name for her! I don’t have to call her the nun lady anymore. Whee! I digress. The High Sparrow confronts Margery and she asks after her brother. He explains it’s not Ser Loras that brings him there. The King misses her greatly. He tells her she must confess, but again she claims she has nothing to confess. Hm. He’s a lot nicer to her than he was to Cersei. Interesting.
Candi: This nun “SHAME SHAME SHAME!” Is the freaking bomb!!! Is it wrong that I love her?! And it’s apparent that I remember absolutely nothing from last season.
Down in Dorne, Prince Doran is talking to Ellaria about Prince Oberyn. They seem to be sharing a sweet moment reminiscing until one of his guards delivers a raven’s note. He reads aloud that Princess Myrcella is dead! Uh oh! Now he’s going to know that Ellaria and the Sand Snakes disobeyed his order to leave Myrcella alone and just as I’m thinking this, the sister stabs his guard in the back! Damn! Then they stab Prince Doran! Ellaria tells him he’s not their prince. As he’s dying he asks about his son Trystane. She bites out that his son is weak just like him and weak men will never rule Dorne again. Ouch. I’m torn about this because they are on my shit list over the whole Myrcella poison lipstick thing, but I kinda love the line about weak men never ruling Dorne again.
Candi: Holy shit!!! Wtf just happened!!! And c’mon. I hardly think that teeny tiny knife would bring that big man down.
Paula: Well glad to see everyone is still dying.
Speaking of his son, Prince Trystane is in a room painting. Two of the Sand Snake sisters come in and tell him they are there to kill him. He jumps up and tells them they are family and he doesn’t want to hurt them, clearly thinking he can take them. They offer him a choice as to which sister will kill him and I’m thinking ok maybe this kid isn’t as weak as they think and just when he goes to face off with the one he picks to fight, the other sister stabs him through the back of the head with a fucking spear. Welp, I was horribly wrong. I did not see that coming! I thought for a minute he was going to fight them off. Damn. RIP Trystane. You were a cutie.
Candi: And I just vomited.
Paula: Good god almighty. I was not expecting her to stab him. Why didn’t I see that coming? I mean, only every other person has died tonight.
Way across the world in Meereen, Varys and Tyrion are wandering around in their common folk clothes to see if they can get the mood of the people. They are chatting it up about their childhoods and Tyrion makes a crack about Varys not having a cock, just in case we forgot he’s a eunuch. From the sentiment of the people, it’s not looking too good for Dany aka Daenerys aka Mother of Dragons aka Breaker of Chains aka The Khaleesi aka Mhysa since the people of Meereen think their Queen abandoned them when she flew off on Drogon. During the walk, Tyrion sees a peasant woman clutching her baby. He tries to give her money and speaks to her in Valyrian telling her to buy food for her baby. She cowers away from him and holds tight to her baby. Varys explains that his Valyrian sucks because the woman thinks he wants to eat her baby. This cracked me up! Then they see graffiti on the wall “Kill the masters. Mhysa is a master.” Oh dear.
Candi: Ahhh. The little dude. And he just did something sweet……
Paula: Oh they have graffiti. Why is that funny?
Continuing on their walk, they see a Lord of Light preacher dude telling the slaves to fight for themselves since the Queen has abandoned them. Tyrion and Varys commiserate that they really don’t know who the enemies are. It could be the slaves, the Sons of Harpy, the free people, but Varys has his spies working on getting information. There’s some sort of commotion and people are running all over the place. Varys and Tyrion rush to see what’s happening and oh shit! Something’s burning. Oh my god, whoever the enemies are, they burnt her fleet of ships!
Out in the grasslands, Daario and Jorah come across the charred remains of animals. They know it’s Drogon’s handiwork. They debate whether Dany really wants to be Queen. One thing is for certain; they both remain devoted to the Khaleesi! As they continue on Jorah checks out his greyscale. Let’s hope he lives long enough to help find her! They come across all the horse prints and know it’s the Dorthraki. Jorah finds her ring. You know what? Those are dragon eggs on that ring not pearls! I totally had that wrong last season.
Next we see the Dorthraki contingent leading Daenerys with a rope. These two dudes think they are comedians. They are speaking Dorthraki and discussing her seeming lack of intelligence based on her hair color. A-holes! They are convinced her hair turned white in the sun and they wonder if her pussy hair is white too. They have no idea who she is! This mothereffer whips her! How dare he? Also, I am cracking up because they are saying dumb shit thinking she doesn’t understand them but of course she understands every word. Oh my god! This guy said she doesn’t have to be smart to be fucked in the ass. I’m cackling. I really can’t wait to see what kind of revenge she gets on this guy.
Candi: The dragon lady still looks like a blond goddess!! Omg that fucker just whipped her!!! And omg. I hope her dragon comes and eats all these people.
Her two captors bring her to the Khal to present her as a gift. The Khal’s crew consists of a few dudes and a couple of women. Right away the women start saying that he should kill her because everyone knows blue-eyed women are witches. “It is known.” Ha! I’m not even gonna lie. I just got really excited about the “it is known” girls! I haven’t heard that in so long! I miss Dany’s girls. I digress again. The women say to cut off her head before she casts a spell on them. The Khal laughs off their jealousy because she’s a beautiful woman. Then there’s all this back and forth with his guys about the best things in the world. I am cracking up! This Dorthraki crew kind of reminds me of a Key and Peele sketch. The Khal circles around Dany as he prepares to strip her dress off. She orders him not to touch her in Dorthraki. That gets his attention! She announces she is Daenerys Stormborn Targaryen, Queen of Meereen, Mother of Dragons, and Khaleesi of the Great Sea Grass. I always get fired up when she rattles off her titles, but this fucker laughs in her face! They all laugh. He argues that she is nobody, but she will lay with him tonight. She busts out the big guns and reveals that she was the wife of Khal Drogo. He knows Khal Drogo is dead, and apologizes as it is forbidden to lie with a Khal’s widow. No one will harm her now. She queenly offers him 1000 horses as a sign of gratitude if he returns her to Meereen. He refuses her offer as the only place a Khal’s widow can go is to Vaes Dorthraki to live out her life with the widows of the dead Khals. How’s this going to play out?
Paula: Wow she has a lot of titles. What is up with his ponytail beard? Oh is that why her name is Khaleesi? Ang probably told me that and I’m just now getting it a year later.
Finally, we get to Arya! She’s still in Braavos and is most definitely blind. She’s dressed like a beggar girl. The Waif shows up and throws a stick at her and orders her to fight. Arya doesn’t catch the stick because she can’t see! Duh! The waif starts kicking her ass because Arya is not using her other senses yet. She’s still struggling with the whole blind thing. The Waif finally lets up and warns she’ll see her tomorrow. I know there will be some big purpose to this later and it’s likely part of her training with Jagen, but I hate seeing Arya down and out especially after her epic moment last season when she killed Meryn.
Candi: Why is this little girl blind? I can’t remember what happened! She needs to shove that stick up that bitch’s ass.
Back at the Wall, Thorne goes to Ser Davos’s room. He tells him they are both knights and he will grant amnesty to all the brothers and will allow Davos to head south. Davos stalls and asks for food. Thorne tells him he needs to surrender by nightfall and they won’t shed any blood. Davos and the other men know that’s bullshit. And they know they’ll end up dead. Davos says they still have the Red Woman. He promises the men they haven’t seen what she can do.
Speaking of the Red Woman / Melisandre, she’s in her room and is looking in the mirror. She strips off her clothes and is staring at her naked body in the mirror. And what a body it is! Damn, she’s got a rockin’ bod. Then she takes off her Lord of Light necklace, and that gemstone thing stops glowing. What’s she doing? What? Oh my god! This is fucking crazy. Once she took off that necklace she turned into a haggard old crone with droopy tits. Oh dear god. Please put the necklace back on! I guess there is magic in that necklace after all. It’s not all hocus-pocus! Can her magic bring Jon back to life?! That was bananas!
Candi: What in the ever loving old fudge just happened???????
Paula: Uhhh… why is she 500 years old now? Also, that is the cloudiest mirror in the world.
Jen McCoy Guest Quote: OLD LADY BUSH BANANAS!!!
Does this lighting make me look old? It may be time to rethink my moisturizer.
The credits roll.
Paula: So to sum up tonight’s show, folks… DEATH
Best hair: Cersei! She looks beautiful with her short hair.
Biggest AS IF: Alliser Thorne taking charge of the Night’s Watch. I hate him too.
Biggest Fist Pump: When Brienne and Pod come swooping in to save the day. I legit fist pumped on my couch!
Final Thoughts: There’s lots of great setup for the rest of the season. I’m really excited about all the female characters arcs. The women of GoT had it rough last season, and things are looking up from here!
KAYTI MCGEE: SRSYLY CERSEI
BAE. I wish Drunk In Love would start playing, but I guess this isn’t multimedia.
JR GRAY: JAIME RANTS
It’s time for a Lannister revival. We’ve had our blood shed, but now, our innocent has been slaughtered. I won’t stand for it.
There was quite a bit of boring crap no one cares about in this episode, like House Targaryen, come on, those bastards aren’t coming back from where I banished the Mad King, Mother of Dragons or not. The Starks are dead, and those who try to revive their names will be hunted to the ends of the earth and slain. I also don’t have eyes for Brienne of Tarth so stop saying it. Cersei is the only one I see.
I’ve brought Cersei pain, but I’ve been pushed to my end and now hell will rain down on those who have taken from Cersei. House Lannister will triumph. Fuck everyone who isn’t us.
*All graphics used are in fun with fair use. They do not belong to us, but to the powers that be at HBO and Game of Thrones. No copyright infringement intended.