Dirty Girls: DROGON! DROGON!
Paula: I really don’t want to watch this. *sigh*
Candi: First time watching with my dogs. They cried at the opening credits while staring at the screen. I feel their pain. I also beat level 307 on candy crush.
The episode opens with Stannis’ army in the middle of a snowstorm because guess what you guys? Winter is here. Melisandre watches as several tents catch on fire and a burning horse runs by. Oh Damn. I guess Ramsay’s twenty good men were put to good use and started the fires. The next morning, Davos relays the bad news to Stannis. Ramsay’s men burned the food stores to the ground, the siege weapons were destroyed and basically they are good and fucked. Davos pleads to head back to Castle Black, but Stannis refuses to turn back. He sees Melisandre and his wife waiting for him and walks away from Davos. Hm. I don’t trust him. What is he going to do? I’m afraid he’s going to do something to sacrifice his daughter for the war.
Tarah: That poor horse! Holy fuck. First scene and I’m already pissed.
Paula: Why doesn’t she have a coat?
Sheri: Ohhhh!!! Is winter coming???? Omg that poor horse!!!!! *cries and cries and cries!!!!* Is that the floozy that keeps getting rejected by men?!
Further north, Jon and the surviving wildlings march towards the Wall. Alliser stands at the top of the Wall and watches them approach. For a minute I wonder if he’s going to deny entrance but he finally opens the gates much to Jon’s relief. This is a historic event, you guys! The wildlings are crossing through the wall via an open invitation. Jon, Sam, and the rest of the Crows watch as the wildlings pile in. Everyone looks in awe as the giant passes through too. Jon confides in Sam that he failed, but Sam reminds him all these people survived thanks to him. Jon catches a glimpse of young Olly and he gives him a smile, but Olly just walks away looking all pissed. Then Alliser tells Jon that he has a good heart but it will get them all killed. What a happy homecoming! Poor Jon.
Paula: I wonder who makes that giant’s clothes?
Candi: God Jon Snow is looking all sexy covered in snow. God. These poor people.
Back at Stannis’ camp, he instructs Davos to go to Castle Black to recruit men and food so they can forge ahead. Davos pleads to take Princess Shireen with him because the horrible conditions are no place for a child. I’m sure he’s remembering what happened to King Robert’s bastard son, Gendry. Remember him? Melisandre put leeches on him to get his blood for the Lord of Light. After that little sacrifice, Stannis’ competition for the Iron Throne: Joffrey, Robb Stark, and Baylon Greyjoy all ended up dead. Stannis refuses Davos’ request and advises that his family will stay with him. On his way out, Davos visits Princess Shireen. She tells him she’s reading the Dance of Dragons. A tale about a great battle that took place amongst the Targaryens a long time ago. He gifts her with a stag figurine that he carved and she wants to know why she’s getting a present. He tells her she deserves it and he thanks her for teaching him to read. He promises he’ll be back in a few days to read the Dance of Dragons with her. This does not bode well! I just know Stannis is getting rid of Davos so he can do something nefarious. I feel sick!
Tarah: Shireen is so sweet.
Paula: I can’t believe winter finally came. I’m actually not that excited over it.
Candi: Aww. I like this older man. Is he that girl’s father?
Down in Dorne, Jaime is brought into a room with Princess Myrcella, Prince Trystane, Prince Doran Martell, and Ellaria Sand. Jaime immediately questions his daughter’s skimpy dress and she retorts that the southern climate suits her. The Dornish question Jaime about why he showed up in disguise to spirit away the princess. He explains about the threat, the princess’ necklace in the mouth of a viper. Myrcella reveals that her necklace was stolen from her room. Everyone looks quite shocked by this admission. It proves Jaime’s story that she’s in danger in Dorne. Prince Doran raises a toast to King Tommen but Ellaria pours her drink on the floor. Nice touch, Ellaria. Prince Doran announces that he will let the princess and his son, Trystane, go with Jaime to King’s Landing on the condition that Trystane take Oberyn’s place on the Small Council. Jaime agrees wholeheartedly. Ellaria turns on Doran and tells him he can’t stand because he has no spine. Oh snap. Those are fighting words. He grabs her by the wrist and tells her that even though she’s the mother to several of his nieces he will kill her if she keeps this shit up. Jaime looks amused by their antics. He inquires about Bronn. Doran wants to know how men in King’s Landing are punished when they strike a prince. Jaime argues that Bronn was simply following his orders. Doran tells Trystane it’s up to him on how Bronn should be punished since he’s the one Bronn hit. Trystane says he can be freed upon a certain condition. Oh dear. What’s he going to do? Don’t hurt Bronn!
Candi: Oh god damn Jaime!!!!! Hi. That bitch. She titally wants Jaime. Watch.
Next we see the Sand Snakes and Bronn in their cells. Nymeria and Tyene are playing some sort of smacking game and Tyene is losing but she’s determined to beat her sister. Nymeria keeps smacking her hands and Tyene tells her she’ll miss eventually. Nymeria taunts that she must like humiliation or pain. Tyne turns the tables and starts taunting her that she’s over thinking it and now she’s going to miss. Guess what? She misses! When it’s Tyene’s turn she just ends up smacking her sister across the face but the guards appear before they really throw down. The guards let Bronn out but he doesn’t know where he’s being taken. Tyene asks him who the most beautiful woman in the world is and he gives her the right answer. Aw. I really hope these two see each other again.
I totally let her win.
Paula: Why are people so mean on this show?
Candi: Ohh damn. Take that bitch. HAHAHAHA HAHAHAHA!!!!! Hands down. That smack across the face. My favorite GoT scene. And I think I have a new favorite character. She’s one of those snake sisters, right?
The guards bring Bronn to the room with Jaime and the crew. Bronn is happy to see Jaime and inquires about food but before he can eat Trystane’s punishment is doled out and the guard knocks him on his ass. Fair enough. I’m sure Bronn’s had worse and now he’s free!
Candi: I wonder what pie they are eating. Now I want pie.
Over in Braavos, Arya is working the docks as the orphan girl, Lana. She’s doing her chant of oysters, clams, and cockles while spying on the gambling / thin man. Some street men approach and ask how much it will cost for her little clam. Those pricks! Surprisingly, Arya doesn’t take them out. We see she’s distracted by her duty to follow her orders to kill the thin man. This is a good change. The old Arya would have threatened and attacked. As she’s preparing her poison water for the thin man, she sees a boat coming into dock. And guess who gets off? None other than Lord Tyrell and Ser Meryn. I am honestly surprised that Lord Tyrell is still alive. After he left King’s Landing with Ser Meryn on Cersei’s orders, I figured he wasn’t long for this world. But Arya doesn’t give a fuck about Lord Tyrell. She only has eyes for Ser Meryn. You remember he’s on her kill list, right? He’s one of the men who endeared himself to her way back in season one when he charged into her sword practice with Syrio, the man who taught Arya her water dance with Needle. Ser Meryn and the rest of the Lannister guards killed Syrio but only after he held them back long enough so Arya could escape. So. What will Arya do? Ser Meryn is an enemy of Arya Stark. Not a girl who wants to be no one.
Tarah: Oh shit. Who does Arya see…
Lord Tyrell is talking to the men of the Iron Bank. He’s boring me, so I’m not paying much attention. I’m guessing he’s trying to negotiate the crown’s loan repayment plan. Ser Meryn spots Arya passing out the oysters, clams, and cockles because she’s sort of following them around and she ditched her plan to kill the thin man. I’m afraid he recognizes her but there’s no way, right? It’s been years and she looks so different. God, this guy Tyrell is such a pompous ass. I don’t even know what he’s talking about. Now he’s singing. Great.
Later that evening, Meryn is walking down the street with two of his men and they are talking about what a bore Tyrell is and how they are all traitors for supporting Renly Baratheon. Ah. They are going to a brothel. Arya is still lurking about and she walks inside the brothel to sell her oysters, cockles, and clams. One of the working girls seems to like her so I’m guessing she’s made sales in here before. Next we see Meryn and his buddies in a room while the Madame brings out women for them to choose from. The first woman comes out and Meryn claims she’s too old. What? The second woman comes out and he claims she’s also too old. That fucker! Oh my god. He must want a child. He asks the Madame, do you have what I want or not. She tells him, of course, as Arya watches the whole thing. WHAT THE FUCK? One of his men spots Arya and they bring her into the room to buy some oysters. She’s passing out the food and Meryn is eyeing her up. I can’t tell if it’s because he recognizes her or if it’s because he’s a fucking creep and she’s a young girl. Oh my god. The Madame brings in some tween girl that probably hasn’t reached puberty. Christ. Arya, please kill this child molesting motherfucker as soon as possible. At the House of Black and White, Arya talks to Jaqen and informs him she couldn’t complete her task because the thin man wasn’t hungry today but perhaps tomorrow. Does he know she’s lying?
I would never pimp out young girls in my brothel. Just sayin.
Tarah: Why is she still pushing around oysters at night? Are they still fresh? Jesus. How young does he want?
Paula: Who is this guy Arya is following? I may throw up. Tonight’s show is not my idea of entertainment. Might as well shove toothpicks under my fingernails while you’re at it.
Candi: Ohhh hell yeah!!!! A whorehouse!!!!!! Ummmmmm. Please tell me that girl is of age. Omg.
Back in Dorne, Doran tells Ellaria her rebellion is over. She can swear her allegiance to him or she can die. She bends the knee, cries, and kisses his ring. Hm. I don’t think I’d trust her. Ellaria walks in to the room where Jaime is writing a letter to Cersei. She tells him she knows he loves his sister. And she doesn’t judge him for it. She tells him she knows his daughter had no part in the terrible thing that happened to the man she loved and perhaps even Jaime was innocent in that. I’m not sure what her angle is here but maybe she just thinks he’s hot because goddamn. He looks so good in this scene.
Paula: Truth, Snake sister’s momma. I’m sure you are going to die so I’m not even going to try to like you.
Candi: God. Was she…. just nice to Jaime???
Next up, the lovely Princess Shireen is playing with her stag from Davos. Stannis comes to her tent and she tells him she’s reading the Dance of Dragons. It was a fight between two Targaryen brothers to determine who would take the crown. Many men died and they never fully recovered. Stannis asks which brother she would have chosen but she tells him she wouldn’t have picked either because it’s all that choosing that makes everything horrible happen. She’s a smart little girl. Stannis gives her some sort of philosophical speech about fulfilling his destiny because some men do not have a choice. She tells him it’s alright and he tells her she doesn’t know what he’s talking about. She innocently assures him it doesn’t matter because she wants to help him. He tells her she can help him. Oh god. She repeats his words from earlier this season and announces she is the Princess of House Baratheon and she’s his daughter. They hug. He says please forgive me. Gah. I’m going to cry.
Tarah: Oh fuck. He isn’t. I can’t watch this. If he sacrifices his daughter. I just can’t.
Paula: He’s going to kill his daughter isn’t he? Help me, Jesus. OMG. I’m paused. He’s going to kill her. I’m going to go clean for a bit.
Young Shireen is marched forward through the army. I doubt she knows what’s expected of her. She’s holding tight to her stag from her friend, Davos. Then she sees Melisandre and the fire pit. Like I said, she’s a smart girl and starts to panic and asks to see her father. Remember, she’s witnessed some of Melisandre’s handy work. Jesus Christ. The men grab her and chain her to the pole. She starts crying and screaming for her father. She’s begging to see her father. We see Stannis watching it unfold with his horrible wife telling him it’s what the Lord wants. Oh my god. Melisandre lights the fire and asks the Lord of Light to show the way. Shireen spots her parents and starts begging her mother. She continues to beg. Maybe the greyscale will save her? Holy shit! The mother actually breaks away from Stannis and runs to try to save her but he has his men stop her. I’m actually shocked that she did that. I can’t believe it. She falls to her knees in horror at watching this happen to her daughter. Jesus. You can hear her screams as she’s burned alive. Who in their right mind would fight for a king that has his child murdered in front of his entire fucking army? You are dead to me Stannis Baratheon. DEAD! I hope that creep Ramsay skins you alive you sick fuck or better yet, Davos returns and serves you that justice you care so much about. An eye for an eye, asshole.
Tarah: Oh fuck. Does she know what he’s doing?! What the fuck. I can’t. Oh my stars. I’m going to cry and vomit. Stop her. Stop her. Stop her. Don’t do it. Don’t do it. Oh my god. Yes. That’s your fucking child. Oh fuck. I literally can’t. *fast forwards*
Paula: I’ve been paused for an hour. I finally watched. *cries and cries and cries* I just can’t with this show. This is too much. They can shove the Iron Throne up their butt.
Candi: Wtf wtf wtf is happening?!?!?!?!! I can’t even. I just can’t.
At the Fighting Pit, Tyrion, Dany, Daario, and Missandei are watching the crowd and waiting for the fighting to start. Hizdahr arrives late and takes his seat. Dany is pissed and demands to know where he’s been. He tells her he had to take care of a few things. The master of ceremonies man comes out to announce the Great Games. Am I the only one thinking of the Hunger Games? The two fighters announce that they fight and die for their glorious queen. Dany looks ill. Hizdahr tells her she needs to clap her hands for the game to start so she does. Daario banters about how they shouldn’t count the smaller man out because he’ll be quicker than the big guy. Tyrion seems to like this talk. Hizdahr is clearly uncomfortable with Daario and makes pompous claims about the men fighting. Daario reminds everyone that he used to fight in the pits. Dany asks if Hizdahr has every actually fought another man. Ha. HA! I’m thinking the answer is no. Anyhoo, Daario keeps taunting Hizdahr and then the big guy beheads the smaller man in one fell swoop. That was crazy! Everyone looks disgusted. Hizdahr can tell Tyrion doesn’t approve. Tyrion replies that he can do without killing in his leisure time. Preach. Hizdahr thinks sometimes killing is a necessary condition for greatness and it’s a pivotal part of the great city of Meereen, which will remain standing long before they all return to the dirt. Hm. This talk is a little fishy to me. Dany really isn’t into his bullshit and tells him she’d destroy his city if it came to it. They sort of quietly argue back and forth about what’s right for Meereen. Tyrion tells Hizdahr his father would have liked him. Ha.
Tarah: Ugh. The fighting pits again? I may be fast-forwarding a lot tonight… *vomits* Yes. I should have fast forward.
Paula: I love that I uncovered my eyes at the moment he chopped his head off.
Candi: I hate to admit this. But this little dude. Is starting to grow on me. There. I said it. OMG off with his head!!!! For real!! Dragon lady’s bodyguard is hot!!
Next, Dany sees Jorah in the fighting pit. They stare at each other. She looks pained. Her relationship with Jorah is so complicated. Sigh. It makes me feel so sad, but Dany gives the signal for the fight to commence. Tyrion watches with great interest. Even though Jorah kidnapped him, I think he’s grown to respect him and doesn’t want him killed. The fight is brutal and gory as per usual. Jorah gets knocked on his ass but gets back up and takes the guy out with a dagger to the heart. Phew! He looks up at Dany. There are just a few men left and Jorah’s opponent lands a few good hits. Jorah is down! Oh shit. Tyrion looks panicked and tells Dany she can end it. Jorah looks at his beloved Khaleesi while he waits for the deathblow to the heart but but but …! Another man stabs Jorah’s opponent! Take that! Dude. That was a little too close for comfort. Dany and Tyrion are relieved. Jorah gets back up and he and the last man battle. Jorah does a pretty smooth roll move and kills the guy. I’m fist pumping while the crowd is booing him. Why are they booing him? Suddenly, Jorah grabs the dead man’s spear and throws it at the podium towards Dany and crew and lands a perfect blow on a man in a gold horned mask. Holy fucking shit. The pit is filled with Sons of the Harpy. Oh my god it was a fucking setup.
Tarah: Oh shit. That’s a lot of masks. If they kill Khaleesi so help me…
The fucker Hizdahr must have set her up. Mad panic ensues. Daario tells everyone to protect their queen. There are a few Unsullied guarding Dany. She’s watching the fighting take place. Hizdahr gets stabbed. I really thought he was in on it. I still think he was but I guess those particular Harpy dudes didn’t get the message or didn’t want him around. Jorah joins the fight and goes to his Khaleesi. He offers her his hand and she looks so relieved and takes it. Aww. They jump down into the pits. Tyrion grabs a dagger from a dead man and takes out one of the Harpies that tries to kill Missandei. Shit. Unsullied are dying everywhere. Tyrion, Missandei, and Daario join Dany and Jorah in the pits. Jorah leads them on an escape route but there’s a Harpy dude waiting there. Daario kills him and they all take off to find the way out. But there is no way out. Hundreds of Harpy men pour into the arena. Their small group is completely surrounded by the Harpies. The Harpies are hissing something but I can’t make out what it is. Jesus. There is no way these few fighters can take all of them out. The Unsullied fight bravely but they are greatly outnumbered. Jorah fights. Daario fights. Tyrion is armed and preparing to fight. Dany and Missandei hold hands and watch the fighting. I imagine they think it’s the end. Dany closes her eyes as if in defeat but then …. Holy shit, you guys!
Paula: There’s like 400 masked people against 5. Why are they attacking them 1 at a time? I mean I’m glad they are dumb but come on.
Candi: Jesus Christ!!!! OMG. My heart!!!!! They are royally FUCT. These masked people are going to give me nightmares tonight. OMG!!! What do they want?!?!! Who are they?!?! Take off your masks!!!!
Did you hear that?! There is a loud noise that catches the attention of every single person in the arena and then we see him. Drogon comes swooping down into the pit. Thank you baby jesus! Did she summon him? Did he hear that his mother needed him? Everyone looks on stunned. One of the Harpies charges Dany and Drogon doesn’t miss a beat as he literally eats the guy. Boom! Take that! Now he’s catching them all on fire. This is amazing! I just fist pumped so hard it was a double fist pump. The Harpies start throwing their spears at Drogon. He’s making pained noises and continuing to light them on fire. Dany yells for him. What’s going to happen to him? The Mother of Dragons walks up to him and removes a spear from his scales. He turns to her and breaths some serious dragon breath on her but doesn’t light her on fire, of course. She gently touches his face and the look on his face reminds me of how my cat looks when he’s all snuggly. Aww. Dany’s crew looks on as Dany climbs up his scaly back and holds on tight. She tells him “Vlah” which apparently means “fly” in High Valyrian. He takes off and they fly away. Holy shit! This is epic! Everyone is still watching in awe. What else could they do?
Did I mention I am the Mother of Dragons?
Tarah: Yes! Come save your mom!! Dragons for the win! Oh noes. They’re hurting him. Yessssss! Time to fly. Is she sitting saddle style? #ridingdragonslikeaqueen
Paula: I am so depressed. If that dragon dies too I may go into sadness shock. Ahh. I hope she flies to Jon Snow and they fly off on that dragon and live happily ever after. I’m sure they will crash into a mountain and die.
Candi: Awwwww her dragon!!!!! Also. How the hell has she managed to keep that white dress so clean during all of this?!?! Omg. Dragon lady just titally ditched her friends!!!!!
The credits roll.
Paula: I feel like this show has jaded me. I don’t like it : (
Biggest AS IF: When Hizdahr acts like he knows about fighting. Bitch, please.
Biggest Fist Pump: DROGON! DROGON! DROGON! I straight up did a double fist pump in my living room. My wife was amused.
Best Hair: The Mother of Dragons, of course.
Final thoughts: I was so horrified by the cruel sacrifice of Princess Shireen and then 10 minutes later I was fist pumping over Dany and Drogon. This episode gave me so many different emotions that I feel like I have multiple personality disorder. I can’t wait to see what’s in store for the finale next week!
*All graphics used are in fun. They do not belong to us, but to the powers that be at HBO and Game of Thrones. No copyright infringement intended.