Dirty Girls: Why is Ramsay so cray?
Candi: Ok. I fast-forwarded through the credits this week. Why did I just think of doing this?
Episode 5 opens up in Meereen with Missandei crying over Grey Worm’s body. We can see that he’s wounded but still alive. Thank the Seven! Dany is mourning Ser Barristan Selmy in her throne room. Daario is there with her and Hizdahr shows up. My first thought is what is this fucker doing here? Dany laments that Ser Barristan crossed the world to come and serve her and he ended up killed in an alley by the Sons of the Harpy. She tells Hizdahr that Daario has a plan to chase the rats out of Meereen, but she’d rather round up the leaders of the great families. Hizdahr looks shocked and reminds Dany that he is son of a great family. Dany doesn’t seem to care because she has her guards take him into custody and orders that all the family leaders be brought to her.
Candi: I don’t know the two guys that died, but I liked them. So this makes me sad. And this hot dragon lady, I have a feeling, is about to open a can of dragon whoop ass!! Also, this big muscley guy that is always standing by her….is fucking hot!! Just an observation. I need to study up on him. Is he good? Is he bad? Does it really matter?!?! We just need him naked. And in a hot sex scene. God. They better have a hot sex scene. Or….OFF WITH SOMEONE’S HEAD!!!
Tarah: Aw, Grey Worm…
Paula: I’m so glad Khaleesi is going to punish them.
Dany is in the catacombs with the masters. She’s directing them to walk forward in the dark where we all know the dragons await. The great masters look terrified as well they should. Oh! Hizdahr is among them. She treats them to a little sing-song tale about how her dragons will eat them if she gives the order. Hell, they may even eat them if she doesn’t give the order. The dragons appear in the dark … those eyes! Holy shit! They breathe fire onto one of the masters and proceed to eat him! Eeep! Welp, I guess that’s a good lesson in what happens if you piss off the Mother of Dragons. Dany asks the remaining men who is innocent. She touches Hizdahr’s back and he tells her valar morghulis “all men must die.” Well, isn’t he a brave one? Dany puts them out of their misery for the time being and says she doesn’t want to overfeed her dragons but perhaps tomorrow they can eat more. She’s really good at this mindfuck portion of this torture business! God, I love her. In case anyone needs a refresher, do not fuck with the Khaleesi.
Candi: Holy fuck BALLS I think I just peed myself!!!!! A little warning would of been nice!!! Omg they ate him!!!
Paula: Okay. I wasn’t expecting her to FEED them to the dragons! They ate him while he was on fire!
Tarah: Oh, damn. Mother of Dragons is going to feed her babies. Shit. That is a gross way to die. Ew.
Up at the Wall, Sam’s reading a message about Dany to Maester Aemon Targaryen. His brother, the Mad King, was Dany’s father. Aemon mourns the fact that she’s alone without family to protect her. I wonder if he’s regretting his Night’s Watch vows? He says a Targaryen alone in the world is a terrible thing. Remember, until Dany came to power everyone feared she was dead, and Maester Aemon believed he was the last remaining Targaryen. Jon shows up and asks to speak to the Maester alone. He asks for advice on something he has to do and believes it will divide the Night’s Watch. Maester Aemon counsels that half of the men already hate him and he should just do whatever it is he wants to do. He knows Jon has the strength to do what must be done. He very poetically tells Jon to kill the boy and let the man be born.
Candi: Ohh. Hi Jon Snow!! Winter is almost upon us. Well. At least we know that it’s almost here finally. God. Jon looks all kinds of sexy standing up there being all commandery and leadery.
Paula: What boy is he going to kill!?
Next up Jon is with the red-bearded wildling. I totally had to look up his name. Jon asks Tormund Giantsbane where the rest of the free folk are located. They have some back and forth about whether they are enemies. Jon tells him that they are not enemies and that the Night’s Watch has been doing it wrong for 8,000 years because they should have been protecting the realms of all men, including the wildlings. They hatch a plan to free Tormund to gather his people and borrow Stannis’ fleet of ships. Tormund insists that Jon accompany him. Together they will convince the wildlings to fight with the Night’s Watch when the white walkers attack again because, you guessed it, Winter is Coming.
Candi: Another observation. Why is this show so dark. Dark as in I can’t see what’s going on. Is something wrong with my TV? Does anyone else have this problem?
Paula: Does anyone else have close captioning on every show? I get so distracted by that. I watch the words and miss what they are doing. I can’t figure out how to get rid of it.
Jon holds court with his fellow Crows explaining they need to let the wildlings pass through the gates because if not they will all die. There’s a lot of grumbling and dissent but a few people agree with Jon. Stannis pipes up to correct a Crow’s grammar. Hahaha. This made me laugh really hard. As if they give a shit about grammar when they have white walkers to kill!
Paula: Hmm. I need to Google what a walker is.
Afterwards, Jon looks weary as his young steward, Olly, brings him food. The kid looks pissed and Jon tells him to speak up if he has a problem. Olly hopes Jon is using a trick to lure in the wildlings because they butchered his entire family right in front of him! Remember those creepy cannibals? *shudders* Of course, this kid is scarred for life and hates the wildlings. Jon assures Olly he knows what it’s like to lose the people you love, but winter is coming and they know what’s coming with it and they cannot face it alone. The kid’s still salty. You can’t win ‘em all, Jon.
Candi: Oh no!!! Is this the boy they keep talking about killing?!!! And LOL at “winter is coming” again. I need to start keeping track from now till the end of the season on how many times this is said. I’ll put out an over/under point spread. Any takers?!?!
Paula: Okay. Does something come besides snow with winter? And I mean snow from the sky, not Jon Snow. Why do they need all these people for winter?
Tarah: Wise words for Jon Snow. *firm nod* Why does Jon’s hair always look wet?
Pod and Brienne are at a village outside of Winterfell. Pod is still trying to convince Brienne that Lady Sansa is happy now because she’s far away from the Lannisters and is finally back home. Brienne assures him that she isn’t better off with the man who murdered her mother and brother. She’s convinced Sansa is in danger even if she doesn’t know it. One of the innkeepers brings food to their room and Brienne asks if he knew Lord Eddard Stark. The man has been around forever and knows all the Starks. Brienne repeats the vow she made to Lady Caitlin and enlists the man to help her get word to Sansa. I’m telling you, Brienne knows a thing or two about loyalty. I’d like her to have my back.
Candi: Clearly I’m just rambling on all the random things. At this point, I am completely bored and have no idea what’s going on. And I’m still waiting for the hot sex scene.
Speaking of Winterfell, Ramsay Bolton is lounging around naked with his girlfriend, Miranda. Little miss thing is pissed that he can’t marry her now that he’s promised to Sansa. He reminds her that he’s a high born man now and can’t lower himself to marry the kennel master’s daughter. Ouch. Miranda continues to pout and asks if he thinks Sansa is pretty. He says, of course! He’s not blind! I laughed out loud at this. He sure is a little prick, isn’t he? He tells Miranda not to worry because he’ll still have plenty of time to play with her. She goads him by saying maybe she’ll marry someone else. Oh snap. He doesn’t like that one little bit. He says some nasty things about who would want to marry her and declares, “You’re mine. You’re not going anywhere.” On occasion, I think this dominant talk is hot but it’s really not hot when a psychopath who could easily murder you says it! She’s clearly his plaything and we know how Ramsay treats his toys. Just ask Theon. Oh dear. They start to have rough sex, and I’m not turned on. I’m scared!
Candi: Omg!! I see a booby!! Could this be sex scene!!!!! I’m so excited!!! Ohhh angry sex!!! Maybe?!?! And it’s….over. Hmmm. I’m not fully satisfied.
Paula: Ramsay said den-ah-stee. I can’t decide if I think he’s cute or not.
Tarah: Poor Sansa. This hubby to be is fucking psychotic.
That’s all you got, Ramsay?
Meanwhile, the nice serving woman instructs Sansa to light a candle in the broken window of the highest watch tower if she’s ever in danger. She tells Sansa she is not alone and reminds her that the North remembers. *cries* I remember too, girl. Sansa walks the grounds and eyes up the broken window at the watch tower.
Miranda sneaks up and they have an extremely awkward exchange about the stitching on Sansa’s dress. Sansa tells her that her mother taught her how to sew and Miranda says it’s nice that she has something to remember her mother by. Sansa would prefer to have her mother alive, obvi. Miranda tells her she has something else that can help Sansa remember and directs her to the kennels. Sansa’s walking down the long kennel and there are barking dogs everywhere. Oh man. I’m getting so creeped out. I’m envisioning it being Rob’s dead wolf’s body but then it hits me. Theon! He’s lying on the floor in the fetal position. He shakes his head and tells her she shouldn’t be there. She looks like she’s ready to go off but then she storms out. Just a refresher, Theon was her brother Rob’s best friend and then he betrayed Rob, hijacked Winterfell, and “killed” her young brothers Brann and Rickon. Ok so we know he didn’t really kill her brothers. He burned and strung up some poor neighbor kids but everyone thinks he’s guilty of murdering the youngest Starks.
Paula: Who is Theon!? Were they in love?!
Tarah: Don’t go, Sansa. This chick is up to no good. None at all.
Next up, Theon is dressing Ramsay and Ramsay tells him he smells particularly ripe today. I can’t imagine he smells too fresh since he lives in the kennels and all. Theon confesses that Sansa saw him, and he apologizes to Ramsay. Ramsay tells him that he mustn’t keep secrets from him. He orders Theon to get on his knees and give him his hand. I don’t know about you guys, but I’m terrified he’s going to be flayed right there. Now, I can handle the crazy gore of the sword fights but these little insidious intimate torture sessions between Theon and Ramsay leave my skin crawling. Oh god. What’s he going to do? I don’t want to watch! But I have to! For you! Luckily, he touches him with kindness and says I forgive you. Then he gives this evil little smile. Don’t trust him, Theon!
Candi: Ohhh!! Get on your knees sounds promising!!!! Maybe some M/M?!?!?!! Wait. He forgives him!! That’s it!! MAKE HIM EARN YOUR FORGIVENESS DAMN IT!!!!
Paula: Okay I had to pause this. I’m scared to see what Ramsay is going to do his hand! He’s going to do something mean I bet. Ok. Unpausing. Omg. I covered my eyes. He’s lying about forgiving him, isn’t he? I paused again because I’m scared. Oh thank goodness he didn’t do anything.
Oh look! Family dinner with the Boltons! How quaint. Poor Sansa. Ramsay breaks the ice by calling his new stepmother, Walda Frey, mother. She’s probably his age so this makes me laugh. He stands to give a toast, and I’m dying to see what he’s going to say. Sansa looks really beautiful in this scene, and Roose Bolton looks pensive. He cheers to their upcoming nuptials, but Sansa doesn’t drink to it. Ha. HA! Walda Frey attempts small talk with Sansa and asks how she must feel in this strange place. Sansa reminds her that this isn’t a strange place, it’s her home, and it’s the people who are strange. Take that! Ramsay calls for more wine and guess who the cupbearer is? Theon. Jesus. This guy is such a sadist. So now Sansa gets to dine with and be served by the people that have killed over half her family. All we need is for Joffrey to make an appearance and the gang’s all here! Ramsay starts rambling about how he imagines the last time Sansa was in this very room she was probably sharing a meal with Theon. He asks her if she’s still angry with him for what he did. You know, killing her brothers and all. He tells her that he punished Theon for what he did to her brothers and assures her that he’s a new person now and his new name is Reek. He demands that Theon apologize to Sansa. Sansa asks Ramsay why he is doing this. It’s because he’s fucking crazy, Sansa! You have got to be kidding me. This sick fuck insists that Theon be the one to walk her down the aisle because he’s the closest thing she has left to family. Can you believe this prick?! Bolton ends the shenanigans to say he and Walda have an announcement. His bride is pregnant! Ramsay looks like he swallowed shit, and Sansa smirks as she says she’s very happy for them. Score one for Sansa!
Candi: This lord person is a little off his rocker. But strangely I’m finding him hot.
Paula: Was she in love with Theon?? That’s so mean to call him Reek. Is it because he’s stinky? How sad.
Tarah: Jesus. This guy. Is so fucked up.
Later, Ramsay and Bolton are having a drink and Ramsay starts asking repugnant questions about how he managed to get his overweight wife pregnant. That fucker! Bolton shuts him up by telling him that he disgraced himself at dinner by parading that creature Theon in front of the Stark girl. Bolton tells him he knows that he’s worried about his position as heir and Ramsay says he knows he’s only his son until a better alternative comes along. Bolton tells Ramsay the story of his mother. It turns out the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree, y’all. Ramsay’s mother was a miller’s wife and Bolton was pissed that they married without his permission so he raped the woman, and she shows up nine months later with baby Ramsay. He said he nearly had her whipped and almost threw the child in the river but then he looked at him and saw what he sees now. His son. He reminds Ramsay that Stannis Baratheon has an army at Castle Black and they are coming right through Winterfell to get to the Iron Throne. Bolton tells him the North is theirs, and he needs Ramsay’s help to defeat Stannis. Ramsay’s on board, of course.
Guest quote courtesy of Tamara Mataya: If someone doesn’t liken Ramsay Bolton to an evil Elijah Wood, I’ma be mightly disappointed.
Candi: Ohhh no he didn’t!!! He did not just call out that pregnant chick!!! Ok. He’s not hot anymore. OFF WITH HIS HEAD!!!! Douchebag!
Paula: OMFG. Ramsay. I cannot believe he just said that! He just asked how he found it. LOL. Oh wow. These Bolton people are psychos. That music was so dramatic! And everyone has those maps. There’s going to be a big battle eventually, isn’t there?
Tarah: This episode is dragging for me…
Y’all are boring me this week.
Back at the Wall, Gilly is perusing the library. She wants to know if these are all the books in the world. Sam tells her the citadel has the largest library in the world. He imparts some knowledge about the Citadel and Gilly says she’s sorry she doesn’t know things. Sam assures her that she can do hundreds of things he doesn’t know how to do. It’s rather sweet. Then Stannis shows up and Gilly hurries away. Stannis tells Sam he knew his father because he defeated King Robert in the only battle he ever lost. He admires Sam’s father and tells him he also heard that Sam killed a white walker. Sam reveals he used dragon glass and they discuss Sam researching the old legends. Stannis tells him to keep reading. This is pretty cool because now Sam has confidence in his purpose. We can’t all be fighters. We need teachers too, Sam!
Paula: I feel so mean for saying this, but Gilly’s voice grates on my last nerve. I want to fast forward through her talking, but I’m afraid I’ll miss something important.
Tarah: Does Samwell Tarly remind anyone else of Samwise Gamgee from LotR? Just in name and character. Not looks… No?
Stannis tells Ser Davos it’s time to march on Winterfell. Davos thinks they should wait until Jon returns with the wildlings but Stannis says the time is now. He plans to bring the princess and his bitch wife with as well. Princess Shireen asks Ser Davos if her father will go down to the crypt to see all the kings of the north buried at Winterfell. She asks if there will be a battle. Bitch wife shows up and puts an end to their small talk. The Princess tells Davos she isn’t afraid and promises to protect him when he tells her he’s scared. Gilly and Sam wave goodbye. It’s sad to see her leaving her friends.
Stannis tells Jon he hopes he knows what he’s doing because he’ll need those ships back. Jon bids him farewell and tells him to have a safe journey. Stannis doesn’t respond and walks away. He’s a man of few words, that one. He saddles up with the red woman by his side and they set off to march on Winterfell.
Candi: Strangely, I’m missing the lil dude tonight. Hmmm. Who woulda thought?
Paula: I’m finding myself more and more attracted to Stannis. *gasp*
Back in Meereen, Grey Worm comes to and Messandei tells him he’s still too weak to get up. It’s been three days since the attack. He asks about Ser Barristan. He says he failed him. I want to cry. This is so sad. He feels defeated because he failed his men and his queen. Missandei assures him he fought bravely and will fight bravely again. She tells him not to be ashamed because he was outnumbered. Grey Worm agrees that there is no shame in being wounded in war. He’s ashamed because when the knife went in and he fell to the ground he was afraid … afraid he’d never see Missandei again. Aww! She cries and crawls into bed to kiss him. They kissed! Finally!
Candi: Omg!! That guy (I think little worm?? Or is that the old dude??) is not dead!!!! Yay!!!!!
Paula: Aw! Poor Grey Worm. He loves her! And why do they switch back and forth languages when they are talking? Have you ever wondered that? And why doesn’t my closed captioning caption that other language?
Tarah: Awww, Grey Worm. *melts*
Later, Dany asks Missandei for her advice on how to handle the masters. She says Ser Barristan counseled mercy while Daario wants to kill them all. Missandei reminds Dany that she’s seen her take their advice but also ignore it because there’s a better choice that only she could see. This resonates with the Khaleesi. She goes to the dungeon to see Hizdahr in his cell. He’s terrified and begs her not to do this. He thinks he’s going to end up as dragon food. Turns out all his valar morghulis talk was bravado. He doesn’t want to die. But Dany surprises us all when he tells him she was wrong, and he was right. She will reopen the fighting pits to free men only because slavery will not return to Meereen while she lives. In order to form a lasting bond with the Meereenese people, she will marry the son of a great master’s family. Looks like Hizdahr is the lucky man! Is she really going to marry him? What about Daario? Can she have a side-piece?
Paula: WHAAAAT?! She’s going to marry him?! I want her to marry Jaime!
Tarah: Khaleesi. Don’t marry him!
Jorah and Tyrion are still at sea in their modest boat. Tyrion tells him the long sullen silences and an occasional punch in the face are the Mormont way. This cracked me up. Tyrion tries to make nice with Jorah and tells him it doesn’t have to be an unpleasant trip. He’d also like some wine because he is a person who drinks and people who drink need to keep drinking! Tyrion realizes they are sailing through the ruins of Valyria. My guess is Jorah is trying to stay hidden and these ruins are a good place for it. Tyrion starts quoting some legendary tales of the once great city of Valyria. After a while, Jorah chimes in as well. I guess two high-born boys would hear the same tales. All of a sudden, Tyrion sees a dragon for the very first time as Drogon flies by! He went home to Valyria!
Candi: Hey!!!! The little dude!!!!! I’m starting to think not only incest runs in the family, but apparently so does alcoholism. (As I sit here drinking my glass of wine.)
Paula: Oh geez. It takes them for-ev-errr to get where they are going in that boat. That poem was very Poe-esque.
Tarah: Poetry in a boat. I approve. I want a dragon.
While Tyrion’s in awe over the dragon, we see a man jump into the water. Oh shit! A bunch of stone men covered in greyscale attack them! They are acting like the wild animals Gilly described! Jorah is doing his best to fight the men off and Tyrion ends up in the water. He tries to get his bindings off and a stone man grabs him and pulls him down! Oh my god! It can’t end like this.
Candi: HOLY MOTHER OF FUCK!!!!!!!!! What the fuck was that!!!!!! I will be having nightmares again tonight!!!
Oh shit! I think the stone people touched him. He’s FUCT.
Paula: Oh crap. I just gasped out loud when those stone men jumped in the boat. I was thinking how that haunting music gives me goosebumps and was not expecting that!
Tarah: Tyrion! THAT BETTER NOT BE THE END!!!!
Oh wait! There’s Jorah waking Tyrion up. He tells him he’s all right. They both take inventory and say they weren’t touched. I’m wondering if it has to be skin on skin contact because that dude definitely grabbed Tyrion’s leg when they were underwater, but Princess Shireen caught it from a doll so who knows! Tyrion thanks Jorah for saving him. They are now stranded and it looks like they have a long walk ahead of them.
Paula: The tension is seriously killing me. I thought it was over because that black screen lasted forever! And he’s lying, isn’t he? They touched his foot, right? I have soooo many questions for you, Ang!
Tarah: Oh… alright. He did get touched I bet…
These stone men fuckers fight dirty.
Jorah leaves to get firewood and pulls back his shirt sleeve and guess what, you guys? He got touched! There’s a batch of greyscale on his arm! Spoiler alert! That’s not in the books, people! HBO you are killing me!
Candi: In conclusion, I was pretty bored, confused (as normal) and had the living shit scared out of me twice now. Poor PSUKA. I wonder how she’s holding up? LOLOL!!!
Paula: Oh no! He lied! Is this greyscale related to the dragons? Is that girl going to be their queen? My brain is hurting.
Tarah: Damn I’m good. Argh. That dragged and then when it got good it ended. Smh.
The credits roll.
Paula: I swear that music on the previews makes my heart race. War is coming! I’m so GoTish!
Tarah: Oooooo. Next week looks promising.
Biggest AS IF: I didn’t have a major AS IF moment this week, but I’m going to go with Stannis correcting that man’s grammar. That cracked me up!
Biggest Fist Pump: It’s tough this week. I’m torn between Dany and the dragons and the Missandei / Grey Worm kiss. Hmm. The Khaleesi FTW!
Best hair: The Khaleesi, of course.
Final thoughts: I really missed some of the other story lines this week. I need to know what’s going on with the Faith Militant plot in King’s Landing, Jaime, and my girl, Arya!
*All graphics used are in fun. They do not belong to us, but to the powers that be at HBO and Game of Thrones. No copyright infringement intended.