Dirty Girls: Holy shit.
Paula: I love that opening. Wonder if there is a board game?
Candi: Ohh look!! I just beat level 295 on Soda Crush!!!!
Tarah: *hums along with the opening credits*
We open in Meereen with Daenerys holding court over Jorah and Tyrion. Jorah tries to speak but she cuts him off and tells him not to speak to her. She questions whether Tyrion is really who he says he is. And if he really is a Lannister perhaps she should kill him to pay his family back for slaughtering her family. Tyrion lets her know that he killed his mother the day he was born, and he killed his father with a bow so if we’re gonna get technical, he’s the greatest killer of Lannisters in the land. Ha. HA!
Paula: So many men have whisper voices on this show.
Dany wants to know if he’s here to serve her. Tyrion gives a typical Tyrion response and lets her know he’s not sure if she deserves his services just yet. This gets Dany’s attention so she asks why he’s even there. He tells the story he’s heard since childhood: there was a baby girl born in a horrible storm (i.e. Daenerys Stormborn Targaryen), she was in hiding and passed around from person to person by people wanting to use her family name, eventually she was sold off to a warlord. She was a young girl with no wealth, no land, and no armies. Her only asset was her name yet just a few short years later she had acquired all three, along with three dragons. He goes on to tell her that a man he trusts very much, Varys, thought she was the last chance to build a better world. He figured she was at least worth meeting. God, I love Tyrion! Dany asks what he can do for her. He advises she cannot take Westeros on her own because she has no one who knows the land she wants to rule. She reminds him she has a very large army and three very large dragons. He counters that killing and politics aren’t always the same thing. He tells her he did a great job as Hand of the King considering King Joffrey was more concerned with torturing animals than ruling his people. He thinks he could do a much better job advising a ruler who actually deserves the name. This gives me chills!
She puts Tyrion to the test and asks what she should do with Jorah because she swore she would kill him if he ever returned. Why should the people believe a queen who doesn’t keep her promises? Just a refresher, Dany thought of Jorah as a trusted friend and advisor but there was a time back in season 1 when he was selling her secrets to Varys, the spider. We all know Jorah stopped doing that, he loves and admires Dany, and he’d never betray her now. But that sort of betrayal is a tough pill for someone to swallow. So back to deciding Jorah’s fate, Tyrion honestly answers that from what he’s seen of Jorah, he’s extremely loyal to Dany. He wants to know if Jorah had the opportunity to confess his betrayal. Dany advises he had the chance, but he did not confess until he was forced to. Tyrion thinks Jorah worships her and is in love with her. However, Jorah didn’t trust Dany’s good judgment enough to confess to her. Dany asks if she should have him killed. Tyrion councils her not to kill Jorah because a ruler who kills those who are devoted to her does not inspire devotion. And she’s going to need a lot of devotion if she wants to take King’s Landing, but she cannot do it with Jorah by her side. Because obviously everyone knows he betrayed her once upon a time, so he’s gotta go. His beloved Khaleesi orders Jorah from the city once again. As Jorah leaves the tower, he looks down at his greyscale. Hm. What’s he going to do?
Paula: Aw he’s in love with her. That music is going to make me cry.
Candi: This little dude sure does love to talk. Did the dragon lady and this guy have a thing?? I feel like I should know this. I’m sorry, Angus!!! I fail!!
Tarah: Aww. Tyrion makes valid points, but that was just heartbreaking. I forgot he caught the stone stuff!!!
In King’s Landing, Cersei is in the dungeon. She’s wearing the dungeon dress and her beautiful hair is a tangled mess. *gasp* The nun / sister ladies bring Cersei food. They keep repeating, “Confess, Cersei.” She begs to speak to her son. They hit her. She tells them she means it when she tells them her face will be the last thing they see. She’s crying and they leave her alone. She looks on the verge of madness, you guys.
Candi: HAHAHAHA!!!! I love that the Queen is in jail!!! HAHAHAHA!!! I bet she’s going through withdrawal. We can call it detox.
Tarah: Oh, Cersei… How far you’ve fallen.
Over in Braavos, Arya is telling Jaqen a story. She’s become Lana, the orphan girl of the canals. Look at her awesome new outfit! And her hair! I am in love! She is practicing the game of faces with Jaqen and describes her day in detail. Her new persona is an orphan who managed to save money for an oyster cart. She tells him she turned down a certain street; he catches her lie and swats her. She gives him the correct street name. I love that she’s trying to hone her lying skills and isn’t afraid to test it out. Nevertheless, Jaqen is very impressed with her story. He tells her that to be a servant to the Many Faced God, she must turn down a different street. She wants to know what she is supposed to be looking for. He tells her a man cannot tell a girl what she will see.
Tarah: Aw. Arya’s hair looks cute like that. Mm. I want an oyster.
So Arya, as Lana, resumes her role as orphan girl, she’s pushing her cart and hollers, “Oysters, clams, and cockles!” (Side note: I may have fist pumped just now because hearing this chant live on screen is akin to the first time I heard Ygritte say, “You know nothing, Jon Snow.”) Arya encounters a man dealing in money. He asks if her oysters are fresh, and she tells him they are the freshest in the city. He wants to know if she’d lie to an old man so she cracks one open for him. He tries it and orders four with vinegar. While she’s preparing his oysters she sees another man return a contract of sorts and ask for payment. The man refuses to honor the contract and his henchmen drag the crying man away. Hm. What’s this dude up to?
Back at the House of Black and White, she relays the story to Jaqen. He tells her the man is a gambler and bets on men’s lives. Essentially he sells life insurance to ship captains. If their ships get lost at sea the man will pay money to their wife and children. If the man returns alive, he’s supposed to get a payout. But the man doesn’t pay the widows! That crook! And we’ve seen he doesn’t honor his wager with the sailors. So who will take vengeance for these destitute widows? Looks like the Many Faced God will! Jaqen instructs Arya to continue to watch the docks, watch this gambler, and learn more about him than she knows about herself. Then when she’s discovered all there is to know, she must present him this gift. It’s a vial, presumably of the poison water. So he’s asking Arya to be an assassin for the Many Faced God? I think Arya loves this idea because she walks away with a big ‘ole smile on her face. The mean girl appears and tells Jaqen that Arya’s not ready. Jaqen gives a typical riddle response and says perhaps she is, perhaps she’s not.
I bet I could have made a killing in Braavos.
Paula: I say this every week…This game of faces stuff is still confusing the ever lovin fudge out of me. The point is to lie? I’m just going to be honest …it bores me.
Candi: Ugh. Barf. Gag. Puke. He ate that oyster with no lemon or Tabasco!!!!
Tarah: Wait…was that the killing water??
Back at the Sept, Qyburn visits Cersei. He advises the trial will take place soon and the High Sparrow has built a big case against her with the following charges: fornication, treason, incest, and the murder of King Robert. Oh snap! Cersei says it’s all lies. Qyburn says, of course, your Grace. This cracked me up! Because it’s all true, obvi. He warns Cersei that The Faith doesn’t adhere to the same standards as the crown and belief is often the death of reason. No shit! Cersei wants to know if there’s any word from Jaime. He tells her no, but Maester Pycell has summoned her Uncle Kevan to be Hand of the King. Thank god, someone with some wits will be in charge. However, Kevan refuses to visit Cersei. She asks about her son, the King. Poor Tommen is locked up in his room, refusing visitors, and not eating. He’s too distressed about the arrests of the women in his life to deal. She tells Qyburn she can’t stay there. He tells her there is a way out. She only needs to confess her sins. She shows some of that Lannister pride and straight out refuses to kneel before some barefooted commoner and beg for his forgiveness. She tells him she made that man, gave him everything, and rose him up from nothing. Well, Cersei? Are you regretting giving these fanatics power yet? The sister comes back in and escorts Qyburn out. As he goes, he tells her his work continues. I can only guess he’s talking about his science fiction project that he’s running on the Mountain.
Candi: Wait. If she’s on trial for incest. Wouldn’t that mean that the whole damn cast is on trial?!?!
Tarah: Oh what conspiracies will Cersei get up to with this chap? The nunnish bitch is badass. I wouldn’t mess with her or her spoon.
At Winterfell, Theon is bringing food to Sansa. He looks startled to see her fully dressed and out of bed. She has her game face on. She asks Theon why he betrayed her. She asks him over and over and she continues to say his name, why Theon, why Theon? He tells her he’s Reek! Turns out, in his deeply fucked up situation he was actually trying to help her by telling Ramsay because once a man named Theon tried to escape and Ramsay hunted him down, strapped him to a cross, cut him piece by piece until there was no Theon left. Instead of sympathizing, Sansa lashes out that she’s glad Ramsay did those things to Theon. In fact, she would do them to him right now if she could. It’s because of him that she doesn’t have a family left. He tells her he deserves everything, deserves to be Reek. He did terrible things: he turned on Robb, captured Winterfell, and killed those boys … Sansa snaps. Those boys?! They are Brann and Rickon. He’s known them since they were born. They were brothers to him! How could he do that! How could he call them “those boys?” He starts to panic as she continues to question him, and he finally confesses that it wasn’t Brann and Rickon that he killed. He tells her he couldn’t find them. It was two farm boys that he captured, and he burned them so no one would recognize their bodies. Sansa seems shocked but hopeful, and demands to know where they went. He starts to panic again and says he’s Reek and runs off. This is good news for Sansa, you guys. Now she knows she still has family left. She has hope and that’s a very dangerous thing to her captor.
Candi: Omg. Her brothers are alive!!! See. I understood that part!!
Tarah: Finally! Sansa knows. Brothers are alive! …will we ever get back to Brann?
Next we see Lord Roose Bolton talking to his men. They are strategizing about Stannis. Bolton is confident they can wait Stannis out. They are hopeful that the long winter will destroy Stannis’ army before they can go to war. Ramsay looks disgusted by this plan. He insists that they need to go show this southern invader how the northerners fight. Bolton says they can’t get an army out there in all that snow. Ramsay assures him that all he needs is 20 good men. Uh. This seems ridiculous, yet terrifying. He’s a psychopath so who knows what he has planned. All I can think is that I hope he leaves Sansa at Winterfell!
Candi: This fucking sick bastard.
Back in Meereen, Tyrion and Dany are drinking wine together and all my dreams are coming true. Have I mentioned I love them together? She asks if he’s decided whether she’s worthy of his service. He counters with, have you decided if you’re going to have me killed? He tells her it’s what her father would have done. She asks what his father would have done. Tyrion laughs and tell her his father publicly sentenced him to death so that answers what he thought of killing Tyrion. She wants to know if that’s why he killed his father. He tells her that if she decides not to kill him, that someday he’ll tell her that story, but they’ll need more wine. She advises that she knows who her father was and that the Mad King earned his name. Tyrion says so here we are, two terrible children of two terrible fathers. Dany seems affronted. She’s terrible? He tells her he’s heard stories about her but wants to know if she’s the right kind of terrible; the kind that prevents the people from being more so. She tells him she opened the fighting pits to keep the peace and they discuss her upcoming nuptials. He tells her his sister was forced to marry someone and she had him killed. Dany says perhaps it won’t come to that. Damn! So she’s already thinking of killing him? Tyrion seems impressed. He tells her it’s not impossible that Varys was right about her after all. She scoffs at the name Varys, the spider, and says he was the one who was in charge of the campaign to kill her. Tyrion suspects that Varys is actually the reason she wasn’t slaughtered in her crib. She wants to know if he trusts Varys and he tells her that oddly enough he does. He’s actually the only person in the world Tyrion trusts apart from his brother. She counters, the brother that killed my father? That’s how Jaime got his name, the Kingslayer, you guys. She says perhaps she should kill Tyrion after all. He tells her he’d given up on life until Varys convinced her she might be worth living for. She tells him she’s not going to kill him or banish him. She’s going to have him advise her, while he can still speak in complete sentences and she takes his wine away. Damn! Smart move, Dany.
She wants Tyrion to advise her on getting what she wants. He questions whether she really wants the Iron Throne because she can continue to do good work where she is. Dany says she’ll continue to make sure no one is born in to slavery and will continue the work she’s done in Slaver’s Bay but she belongs in Westeros. He wants to know who will support her when she returns home. She claims the people will support her. He tells her she’s going to need money and lots of it. He asks how well it’s worked out for her just having the common people support her in Meereen because ruling without the rich is tough. He says the Starks are gone, no remaining Lannister will ever back her, and Stannis Baratheon will certainly not back her because she takes away his claim to the throne. That leaves the Tyrells. Dany doesn’t look impressed by the list of rich families. She says the Starks, the Lannisters, the Baratheons, the Tyrells are all spokes on the wheel. Once this one is on top, then this one and on and on it goes and spins. He tells her he’s seen people be crushed when they try to stop the wheel. She announces she’s not going to stop the wheel. She’s going to break the motherfucking wheel! Holy shit! You guys! I just got goose bumps! No joke. I fucking love this Dany! She’s my hero. And I’m telling you, this Dany and Tyrion meet up is the highlight of this show for me. I love their chemistry, their banter, their wit. I’m so excited! I’m mostly excited that Dany has a real shot at this thing with Tyrion by her side. Tyrion knows Westeros, he knows how the game is played. Plus, she’s got the brains, the army, and the dragons to back it all up.
Candi: So did the little dude just titally ditch the other guy? His traveling buddy. He’s not a good friend.
Tarah: Khaleesi. So sexy when she’s determined.
Next up, we see Jorah returning to the slaver and fighting pits. He bargains with the slaver because he wants back in. He wants to fight for his Khaleesi. He tells the slaver, let me back in and I belong to you. This makes me sad. I guess he has nothing left to lose.
Candi: Aww. He wants to fight for the dragon lady!!
At the sept, the Sister is still chanting, “Cersei, confess.” Cersei tells her that she’ll get out eventually. She tries bargaining, she can make her a wealthy woman. The woman tells her to confess. She tells her she can make sure she dies in the most hideous way possible. The woman dumps her water on the floor and walks out. Cersei crawls to the water and begins to lap it up like a dog as she cries. Damn. The mighty have fallen! But where is Margaery?
Paula: Um…why doesn’t she drink that water that is dripping into her cell?
Candi: Is she licking wine off the floor!!
Tarah: Oh wow. Cersei.
Over at the Wall, Gilly is tending to Sam’s wounds from the fight with the would-be rapists. Sam asks how she’s doing. He means the sex, you guys. He wants to know if she was scared. They both admit they were a little scared. Olly shows up and brings them food. He wants to ask Sam something about Jon. Gilly leaves them to it.
Paula: For the love of god, please stop sticking your finger on his cut! Please…I beg you! I can’t watch that! It’s making my knees hurt!
Candi: Ohhh it’s the happy couple!! Btw. That was the most awkward sex scene ever last week. Just sayin.
Olly is confused as to why Jon is going to save the wildlings because they are killers and slaughtered his innocent family. Sam says the wildlings are people too and there are good ones and bad ones. Olly knows Tormund led the raid on his village so he can’t be a good one. Sam tells him he’s seen the army of the dead and they are coming for them. When it’s time, they’ll need every last man they can find. Olly still doesn’t trust them. He fears they will try to cut their throats while they sleep. Sam advises they don’t stand a chance otherwise and sometimes a man has hard choices to make. Sam believes in Jon with all his heart. He also advises Olly not to worry about Jon because he’s been worrying about Jon for years but he always comes back. He better, Sam!
Tarah: Sam. So kind. He has a good heart.
Jon, Tormund, and their contingent are headed to the wildling camp, Hardhome, on Stannis’ borrowed ships. This scene is pretty impressive. It looks epic and huge and there appear to be thousands of wildlings. Tormund gets out of the boat with Jon and asks, you trust me, Jon snow? Jon does trust him and wonders if that makes him a fool. Tormund tells him they are fools together now. Tormund leads the way through the crowd and they encounter the Lord of Bones. Lord Bones isn’t impressed because the last time he saw the two of them the Crow was the prisoner. He wants to know what happened. Tormund tells him war happened. He asks where Tormund’s chains are. Jon tells him Tormund is not his prisoner and that they are allies now. The crowd loses their shit.
Paula: What the hell is he wearing on his face?! LOLOLOL This is a crucial scene and I keep giggling at his mask. Why would his people not tell him he looks silly?
Candi: Ohh Jon Snow!! He’s so sexy. Is it a coincidence that his last name is Snow. Winter. See where I’m going with this. WTF IS THIS GUY WEARING?? He looks like Skeletor from He-Man.
Tarah: Good luck, Jon!!
Bones calls Tormund a fucking traitor! Tormund assures him he does not fight for the Crows. They are not here to fight, they are here to talk. Bones gets aggressive with Tormund and tells him he does a lot of talking with the pretty Crow. He wants to know if he sucks his cock too. Oh damn. Tormund grabs his staff out of his hand and beats the living shit out of him. Literally. He’s a bloody dead mess when Tormund is through with him. Everyone looks shocked. He tells them to gather the elders and let’s talk.
Paula: OMFG! What the hell, man? No time to cover my eyes!
Jon has the floor and introduces himself as Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch. He doesn’t try to give them a song and dance about singing kumbaya and being best buddies. He straight up tells them they’ve never been friends and they won’t become friends today. He is there for survival. Jon reminds them that the white walkers don’t care if they are Crows or free folk and only together they can beat them. The crowd laughs and says good luck with that. He hands them the bag of dragon glass and tells them it’s a gift for those who join them. He tells them a man of the Night’s Watch used it to kill a white walker. Some of the wildlings know the old stories about dragon glass. Jon asks them to come with him because there are good lands south of the Wall and they can farm those lands.
Paula: Omg. Is that an ogre!?
Jon tells them he knew their leader, Mance Rayder, and Mance didn’t want war for them. The crowd wants to know where Mance is now and Jon tells them he died. They demand to know how and of course, honorable Jon Snow says he died because of his arrow through his heart. Oh dear. The crowd goes nuts and is calling for Jon’s head or actually his eyeballs if they listen to that one loud mouth dude, but Tormund explains that Stannis was having Mance burned alive because he wouldn’t bend the knee and Jon shooting him with the arrow was an act of mercy. He tells them that showed courage and they need courage now. The crowd laments that they’ve lost loved ones due to the Crows. Jon tells them not to forget their dead because he’ll never forget his. He tells them to think about their children. They all need to ban together because the long night is coming and the dead come with it. No clan can stop them. It’s an impassioned speech. A woman asks Tormund, if he vouches for Jon. Tormund says Jon is prettier than both of his daughters and he’s young, but he can fight and they need him and he needs the wildlings. Loud mouth says his ancestors would spit on him if he broke bread with a crow. The woman says, so would mine but fuck ’em, they’re dead. Ha. HA! She goes on to say that she’ll never trust a man in black but she trusts Tormund. If Tormund says this is the way, then she’s with him. The crowd starts weighing in and saying they are with Tormund. The giant says Tormund too! Thank God! I wouldn’t want to fight without that dude on my side. There are still a few hold outs but the crowd disperses.
Paula: The long night is coming? In addition to winter? Is their land equivalent to Alaska?? I just love his lips. And when he says fucker. *sigh* Is that woman going to be the new Ygritte? My closed captions just said “Giant growls”! He’s a GIANT!? And these closed captions are becoming really helpful.
Candi: Jon Snow is a great motivational speaker.
Tarah: So wise. You tell ’em, Jon!
Next we see Tormund and Jon loading the ships with people. Tormund tells Jon they are stubborn people and it took twenty fucking years for Mance to bind all the clans together. Jon is worried that too many people are staying behind. He needs to get more people on the boats. The woman is putting her daughters on the boat. She promises she is right behind them. The giant is checking out the dragon glass. Everyone is busy moving and doing things when the dogs start going crazy. They are barking and growling loudly at something in the distance. Shit. This does not bode well. There’s some sort of weird smoke or dust or fog or snow rolling in. Eeep.
Who in their right mind would want to live in the North?
Paula: I had to pause because I’m scared. What’s coming over that mountain??
Candi: HOLY FUCK WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING!!!!! What is going on?!?! IS WINTER HERE?!?!?!
Tarah: I like the Wildling woman. Aw. Getting her girls on the boat…please don’t let something happen to her! >_< Something is gonna happen. Argh. Dogs are barking…rut roh. What’s happening?!
Are the white walkers coming?! People start shouting to shut the gates. The crowd goes running to close the gates but there people locked on the other side. They are pushing to get in and screaming. Then the crowd goes completely silent. The loud mouth guy peeks out through the gate. All we can see is smoke or dust and holy shit! The white walkers with their crazy blue eyes start to attack. Everyone starts charging to the boats. Oh shit! It’s like Titanic up in here. There aren’t enough boats, Jon!
Paula: *SCREAMS* What the heck are those things?? ZOMBIES? This music is making my heart race! GET IN LINE?? IS HE SERIOUS??
Tarah: Is that an avalanche? I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S HAPPENING! Oh fuck! They’re here! Jesus. It’s like GoT Titanic. Don’t sink the boats!
Some of the army of the dead breaks into the house and it is all-out war. This is crazy! It’s hard to keep up with what’s happening. The giant is flinging white walkers off of him. People are battling all over the place. The woman is brave. She’s saving people and helping them get on boats. Jon tells her she needs to be on those boats. She tells Jon he needs to be on them because she wants to make sure her daughters are safe and she wants to know if his men at the Wall will honor his wishes if he doesn’t return. Jon sends the boats away and tells them to come back for him. He wants to get as many people to safety as he can. Jon and the Night’s Watch and a bunch of wildlings charge forward to fight the dead army. They plan to block the doors so more of the dead can’t get through. Jon helps them block the gates. It’s hard to keep track of what’s happening. I said that already, right? There’s so much fighting and death everywhere. Jon kills one with his sword Longclaw. It’s Valyrian steel, I’m guessing that means it is dragon glass? Oh look! The wildings and crows are fighting together. This is a good sign, right? Also, this woman reminds me of Ygritte. She’s fighting like a badass.
Paula: Aw…her daughters! I have chills. Jon is so damn sexy in battle.
Candi: HOLY MOTHER OF FUCK!!!!!!! Omg that lady’s poor daughters!!!!! They are out there!!!!! On the boat!!!!! SAVE THEM!!!!!!!!! SAVE THEM JON SNOW!!!!
Tarah: God Jon is so fucking honorable. I lubs him. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. *closes eyes*
Up on the cliff overlooking Hardhome, Jon sees four white walkers on horses. All I can think is they are the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse! Even their horses are dead. I recognize the guy with the horns / crown! Isn’t he the one that turned one of Craster’s sons into a white walker?
Paula: F&ck. I had to pause. I’m about to have A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN! WHAT IS ON THOSE HORSES??? THIS MUSIC HAS ME IN KNOTS!
Tarah: Whatever happened to that white walker baby from the other season?
The giant busts out of the shed with the dead men on him. He goes through the crowd stomping on them. Meanwhile, Jon and the loud mouth guy run into the house to find the dragon glass and one of the legit white walker dudes comes into the house. I need to figure out what the difference is between the skeletal army guys and the white walkers. Or if there is a difference? They look different to me and my eyes may have glazed over when they were described in the books. Anyhoo, this dude with the long hair is scary as hell and he’s ready to kill Jon and loud mouth. Welp, that didn’t take long. Loud mouth is dead and I’m not really sad about it.
Paula: Holy sh&t. I am paused again because I can NOT take this. He better HURRY THE HELL UP and find that glass BEFORE I HAVE A F&CKING HEART ATTACK.
Candi: OMG NO NO NO JON SNOW I CANT WATCH!!!!
Tarah: Oh fuck. It’s like the white walker general.
Jon gets tossed around like a sack of flour. Shit! I’m scared! Ok phew! He gets up and runs out of the house and grabs his sword Longclaw, then he trips and drops it! The suspense! The guy catches up to him just as he regains his sword, they have a sword fight and BOOM! The white walker looks surprised when Jon’s Valyrian steel doesn’t break under his ice sword! Take that! The Four Horsemen watch Jon and their friend battle it out and Jon’s sword makes the guy bust into a bazillion pieces of glass.
Paula: Motherf&cker! I AM PAUSED AGAIN. Surely to god Jon is not going to die. I don’t think I can watch this show anymore. I’M NOT CUT OUT FOR THIS. And it’s making me cuss like a sailor!
Tarah: Why is he toying with Jon? Holy shit. Valyrian steel kicks ass!
This battle is much too long! Can we please go back to Arya, or Cersei in the dungeon, or how about Dany and Tyrion? This is too much stress!
Next we see the woman being attacked by an army of dead kids. Jesus. After everything she did to survive, I think the shock of the dead kids was too much for her. She didn’t even fight back. How sad.
Paula: I’m not watching this cocksucking show anymore. I am F&CKING paused again. Those things killed her! *cries and cries and cries* She told her daughters she would be right behind them. *cries and cries and cries* I’m seriously upset over this.
Tarah: Oh jesus fuck. She’s not going to kill the kids is she. Awwwww.
Jon’s friend grabs him and they watch as hundreds of skeletons jump over the cliff and land. Are they committing suicide? Oh snap! They are still alive! They wake up like zombies and chase them! Eeep! There are thousands of them. They break through the last standing gate and are charging the remaining wildlings and Jon’s crew! Holy shit! Everyone is running to the sea. Can these dead fuckers swim? I mean Jesus! This is insane.
Tarah: Oh. More head honchos. Holy. Mother. Fucking. Shit. Talk about reinforcements. Can the white walkers not swim?
The giant has his giant stick lit with fire and is beating the dead men off as he runs behind Jon, Tormund, and the Crows. The giant is keeping them at bay. They make it to the boat! Thank the Seven! All I can think is that I hope the giant doesn’t try to get in the boat, but he doesn’t. He’s so big he can touch the bottom of the sea!
Candi: Oh hell yeah!!!! Bigfoot!!!!
Tarah: Giants are handy, yo.
Ok. I need a minute to recoup after watching that. Oh. Too fucking bad for me. I’m not going to get a minute because the horned / crowned King dude walks down the plank. He stares Jon down. You guys. This is so scary! He raises his hands up … oh god. Can he control the weather? What is going to happen? Shit. I’m nervous! Dude. They all start to come back to life. The wildlings that were killed by the dead men are now coming back to life as white walkers! There’s the nice lady with dead blue eyes now. They have an even fucking bigger army now. Jon looks utterly defeated as he watches them come back to life. I feel like the King dude is smirking at Jon. His creepy dead blue eyes are saying, it doesn’t matter if you kill us because I will bring them back to life and you can’t defeat us! How in the hell is Jon supposed to fight that? We obviously need some magic to get rid of these fuckers or maybe the dragons can light them all on fire.
How do you like me now, Jon Snow?
Paula: I can not believe this motherf&ckin sh&t. I am paused again. What the hell is going to happen when he raises his arms?!?! It has taken me a damn year to watch this last 15 MINUTES. Why weren’t they ROWING THAT F&CKING BOAT?
Candi: Jesus Christ. My heart can’t take this shit!! I need to pop some Xanax after that.
Tarah: Wow. That’s quick turnover. And that’s a lot of blue eyes.
The credits roll.
Paula: I don’t think I can watch the last two episodes. I’m serious. I was so stressed I ate 2 packs of crackers and a Reese’s cup during my pause breaks.
Candi: And once again. NO FUCKING SEX. AT ALL!!!
Tarah: Lordy. That was intense. I need next week!
Biggest Fist Pump: I can’t think about anything other than that crazy fucking fight so I’m going to go with when Jon’s sword blasted the long haired dead man into shards of glass or ice or whatever the hell they are made of.
Biggest As IF: When Ramsay asks for 20 men to defeat Stannis’ army, but I’m afraid this as if will come back to bite me in the ass.
Best Hair: Arya! I love her new Princess Leia style this week.
Final thoughts: Wow. That battle was long and I mean long, and I mean like 15 minutes too long. But it was filmed brilliantly and kept me and the girls in panic mode the entire time so that’s a good thing, right?
I also love the direction the show is taking with Dany and Tyrion. Book spoiler alert: As Paula has observed, it takes everyone for-ever to get where they are going. And that’s the truest thing I’ve ever heard! When I was reading the books, I would constantly complain to my wife that they weren’t getting anywhere. So for me? To have Dany and Tyrion fin-a-fuck-ing-ly meet? Praise the seven! And the Many Faced god! And the Lord of Light! I am so damn happy!
I can’t believe there are only two episodes left … should we start wagering about what will happen next week?
UGH JUST UGH PRISON IS CRAMPING MY STYYYYLE. The good news is, I still look wicked hot. Despite a lack of stylists up in here.
“Confess, confess!” I will. I will confess. I will confess that slurping water off the floor tastes fairly hideous. And that your wimple looks only marginally less hideous than Grandma Tyrell’s. And everything is fucking HIDEOUS.
Basically all I got, cause like- HIDGE ERRWHERE. Send wine.
*All graphics used are in fun. They do not belong to us, but to the powers that be at HBO and Game of Thrones. No copyright infringement intended.