Dirty Girls: They did what?
Candi: God this intro is sooooo long.
Tarah: It’s so dark. I can barely make out what’s going on…
The episode opens with Jorah stealing a boat to take his captive, Tyrion, to the Queen. Tyrion is futilely trying to escape his rope bindings, but Jorah just picks him up like a sack of potatoes and tosses him into the boat.
Candi: This poor little guy.
Next up we see my Jaime on a ship. God, he looks super hot in this scene, and I’d like to thank the wardrobe department for keeping him in that same outfit. He really does need to wear it all season! This is so much better than prior seasons when he was covered in shit and dirt. Apart from the outfit, Jaime wears the hero stance quite nicely. He’s chatting with the ship’s captain as they pass by beautiful greenery and the Captain announces it’s Tarth, the Sapphire Isle. Is he thinking of Brienne?
Paula: Good god. He is so sexy in that leather shirt. I want to see him naked.
Tarah: Rut roh. Jaime is on the move as well.
Below the ship deck, Jaime and Bronn discuss their plan of attack on Dorne. They plan to steal into the city unannounced and hidden. Bronn tells him that all the Dornish do is “fuck and fight” and wants to know why Jaime didn’t bring an army to rescue his “niece.” Jaime keeps insisting it has to be him because he doesn’t want to start a war. Then Bronn questions whether he was the one to help Tyrion escape. Jaime advises it was Varys, and Bronn tells him to wish Tyrion a hello if he sees him again. Jaime reminds Bronn that Tyrion murdered his father and says if he ever sees him again, he’ll split him in two. Oh snap! Just in case you were wondering where Jaime stands on the whole “my brother killed my father” thing, now you know. Let’s hope the brothers aren’t reunited for a very long time.
Paula: I would definitely fight and fuck with Jaime. And fuck and fight. Lmao. For a second it looked like that barrel Jaime is sitting on was his lower body.
Candi: Did he just fuck and fight!!?!? And also. Jaime. I’d like to f…fight. I’d like to fight him.
At the Small Council meeting, Cersei is ruling the roost but it’s not a very impressive roost. All that’s left is Qyburn, Pycell, and Lord Tyrell, the master of coin. Tyrell provides an update about the debt the Crown owes to the Iron Bank. Last season, the Iron Bank told Stannis they weren’t concerned with the Crown’s debt because Tywin Lannister had the money to pay. As we’re well aware, Tywin is dead and now they are calling in their debt. Cersei insists the bank can be reasoned with if they have just the right person convince them in person. She flatters Lord Tyrell and tells him he’s a smart man and the only one that can get the job done. That idiot believes her. She calls for Ser Meryn to personally escort him to Braavos. In case his smarmy smile didn’t remind you, Ser Meryn is the one who tried to kill Tyrion on Blackwater Bay. Lord Tyrell’s future doesn’t look good, y’all.
Paula: Awww. Bless his heart. No one laughed at that guy’s joke. Except me. LOLOLOL.
Tarah: The coin guy. He’s gonna diiiiiiiiiie.
Oh look! Our favorite Queen Mother is finally getting her drink on this week. She meets with the High Sparrow and offers him wine. He declines, of course. They start talking about some group called the Faith Militant who were in power way back when before the Targaryens ruled. Cersei tells the High Sparrow that she will talk to the King to reinstate the Faith Militant and the High Sparrow can pick and choose his best men for the job. She thinks they can work together to keep order in King’s Landing. I don’t know about you guys, but I think arming religious zealots is the worst idea in the world because once you arm someone and give them power … they don’t always like to give it back. This has disaster written all over it. Then Cersei finally goes in for the kill as she tells him there is a big ‘ole sinner in their midst. I’m not sure which sinner she’s talking about here, but I’m thinking it’s not going to bode well for her enemies.
Next we see men in black robes with some sort of star carved into their foreheads. The High Sparrow wasted no time in creating his army of the Faith Militant. The scenes flash back and forth between a man getting the star carving, which looks extremely painful, to the Faith Militant storming the city. They start breaking in to brothels and attacking prostitutes and their customers, and seem hell bent on weeding out sin. They especially seem to have a hard on for the gays. And I don’t mean that in a good way. These religious zealots always want to persecute us. Ser Loras’s lover witnesses two men being murdered as they are called horrible names and vilified for being gay. Meanwhile, the man getting the carving is revealed and it’s Lancel! He and these Faith Militant fuckers arrest Ser Loras for sodomy. This is not good, you guys.
Paula: Wtf is going on?!?! Oh NO! Not my BROTHER! Is she going to have my brother killed?! OR ME?!?! OMG! I CAN NOT WATCH THIS. ARE THEY GOING TO KILL MY BROTHER?!?! I SERIOUSLY CAN’T WATCH THIS. Phew. They didn’t kill him.
Candi: Well what the ever loving fuck!!! The first time they show a glimpse of some sex and they interrupt!!!! AND IT WAS AN ORGY!!!!
Tarah: Ew. What the hell. WHAT THE FUCK. All sorts of wrong going on.
What the hell? That’s my brothel! Screw Littlefinger and screw these men in the black robes! We all know they wouldn’t be so hateful if they got laid.
Word travels fast because Margaery busts in yelling at her husband, the King, asking what he’s going to do about his mother putting her brother in a cell. She asks if he has any affection for her at all. The King promises to set him free and rushes off to Cersei demanding that she do so. Cersei says she didn’t arrest anyone. All she did was give the High Sparrow an army and that he should just ask the High Sparrow to free Loras. The King goes to the Sept and encounters a huge group of Faith Militant blocking the entry. The King demands to see the High Sparrow and the men tell him he’s praying and not to be disturbed. The King’s Guard and the religious nuts have a face off of sorts and Tommen tells his men to stand down. Damn. Later Tommen tells Margaery that there was no way to free Loras without violence. She tells him he let a band of fanatics imprison her brother, his brother by law, and tells him she’s leaving to send word to her grandmother. This was an interesting scene because at first I thought Tommen was afraid of the Faith Militant but now I think he was truly worried about causing violence and death on the steps of the Sept. We have to remember he’s basically a sweet innocent kid. You know?
Candi: OMG. This queen is a master manipulator. Ohh. This little boy is adorable trying to be all-heroic.
Tarah: Oh, Cersei. You wicked woman. Poor King. Just a boy.
At the Wall, Stannis and his horrid wife watch Jon while he’s training. She bemoans her daughter’s deformities and her inability to give Stannis a son for the millionth time. Boring! Melisandre shows up and says the scars mean nothing to the Lord of Light. Thank you, Melisandre! Someone needs to tell this woman to shut the hell up about her poor daughter. The wife leaves and Melisandre does some of her witchy woman talk and tells Stannis not to make the same mistake and leave her behind, but he assures her she’s coming with him when they march on Winterfell.
Paula: What are they watching on that wall?!
Tarah: That mother’s feelings towards her sweet daughter make me want to punch her in the throat.
Jon Snow is writing letters to various houses to ask for recruits to join the Night’s Watch because winter is coming. Everything’s going smoothly until Sam presents him with a letter to House Bolton. At first Jon refuses to ask him for help since he killed his brother and all, but Sam reminds him that Bolton is the Warden of the North and the Watch needs his men.
Melisandre interrupts their business as she busts in to see Jon. She asks him to ride south to help them chase the rats out of Winterfell. He tells her Castle Black is his home and asks if she plans to show him visions. She saunters over and tells him there are no visions, no magic, just life. She opens her robe and shows him her tits and tells him there’s power in him as she straddles him. What?! Jon seems pretty interested in her tits and cops a feel. Who can blame him, really? But I’m waiting for him to reject her! Come on, Jon! What the hell? Finally, he tells her he can’t and mentions his vow and says he loved another. How sweet! Then he tells Melisandre that he still loves Ygritte. Melisandre walks away and as she’s leaving she tells him, “You know nothing, Jon Snow.” Holy shit! Is she channeling Ygritte?
Paula: I melt when he says bruthah. Oooo almost got some sex. So so so close. Hm. Not sure I want him to have sex with her though. He also wins the best lips award. *gasp* How did she know Ygritte said that?!? Is she a witch?!
Candi: God, Snow is so sexy!! Ummmmm wtf is this bitch doing!!!!!! I’m the whore!!!! NOT YOU!!! Omg major swoon!!! So honorable!!! JON SNOW KNOWS ALL THE THINGS!! Be gone bitch!!! OFF WITH HER HEAD!!!
Tarah: THAT BITCH BETTER NOT SEDUCE JON SNOW. Don’t do it, Jon!!!!!!!! That’s right. You tell her to fuck the fuck off!!! OH NO SHE DIDN’T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Princess Shireen goes to see Stannis. She tells him she’s bored and knows her mother didn’t want to bring her because she told her so. Stannis says her mother shouldn’t have told her that. No shit! She then asks her father if he’s ashamed of her. How heartbreaking. He tells the story of how a Dornish man sold him a doll after she was born, and he can still remember her pressing it to her cheek. Apparently the doll carried the disease that gave her greyscale. Everyone told Stannis she’d die, but Stannis told them all to go to hell. He did everything he could to save her. He tells her she’s the Princess of House Baratheon and his daughter. She has tears in her eyes as she runs to hug her father. Wow. I’m a little verklempt. I think this may be the first time in a long time that I actually like Stannis! He’s been on my shit list since that whole shadow demon baby incident.
Paula: Awww. I really really like this Bathandbeyond guy. *cries* Why is he married to that shrew?
Candi: Ok. I just dozed off during that father daughter scene. Sorry.
Tarah: Aw. Sweet, sweet girl. She just wants to be loved. Awwww! *tear*
Sansa is lighting candles in the crypt at Winterfell. Is it just me or did we miss the part where they moved from Moat Cailin to Winterfell? We see Sansa approach her Aunt Lyanna’s tomb and pick up the feather that King Robert placed in her hand way back in season one. Littlefinger shows up and tells the story of when he saw the beautiful Lyanna at the King’s tourney all those years ago. Barristan Selmy and the handsome Prince Rhaegar Targaryen were the last jousters and when Rhaegar won, he rode past his wife, Elia Martell, and laid a crown of winter roses blue with frost in Lyanna’s lap. The entire crowd was shocked. He tells her Rhaegar chose her aunt and makes it sound romantic but Sansa repeated the old story that Rhaegar kidnapped and raped Lyanna. The story goes that Lyanna was engaged to Robert Baratheon and once Rhaegar kidnapped her, Robert started the war that ended the Targaryen Dynasty. Littlefinger then tells Sansa he is going back to King’s Landing due to Cersei’s request. Sansa says he can’t leave her here with these people! He tells her that Stannis will march on Winterfell; he’ll liberate the men from Bolton, and will march south on King’s Landing. During all that, he’ll rescue Sansa and will name her Wardeness of the North. She’s still worried about being left with these horrible people but he tells her that Ramsay is already smitten and she can make him hers. He tells her to be strong without him, and kisses her on the lips that shady fucker. He departs telling her the North will be hers. She retorts that she expects she’ll be a married woman by the time he returns. Was that Sansa’s code to remind him what he’s missing by leaving her?
Paula: This show is sooo complicated. *gasp* He kissed her! The writer of this has some serious incest issues.
Candi: Oh look. The creepy uncle. He titally has the hots for his niece. Barf. Gag. Puke. There’s that “winters snow that is coming” talk again. I wonder if this is like the Chicago blizzard of 2012!?! HOLY. FUCKING. SHIT. HE KISSED HER!!!!! OFF WITH HIS HEAD!!! BOTH OF HIS HEADS!!! Sick fucker! How come the guys that got caught having sex together get basically tortured? But the fucking incest pervos get off? Pun intended. They need to be hung by their dicks. IMO.
Tarah: I keep waiting for that stone hand to actually be real and grab Sansa. Oh good… it’s stone. Poor Sansa. God. I either hate the character or feel bad for the character in this show.
Bronn and Jaime make their way to Dorne. Bronn saves Jaime by killing a coral snake that was hanging out next to his head when he was sleeping. Since that was a close call, Bronn is contemplating how he’d want to die and Jaime says he wants to go in the arms of the woman he loves. Bronn asks if she wants the same thing? Bronn is quite the philosopher these days! He’s laughing about the two knights off to rescue a princess, and he gives Jaime shit for revealing his identity to the Pentoshi ship captain. He’s convinced the man has already sold them out even as Jaime protests that he paid a lot of gold to keep him quiet. Oh look! Apparently the ship captain has a big mouth because some Dornish horsemen come riding up. There’s a bit of back and forth and then all hell breaks loose as Bronn makes the first move and kills one of the men. He is an impressive swordsman and helps Jaime out when he gets into a bind. Jaime’s gold hand comes in handy when he grabs a man’s sword and doesn’t let go. While the Dornish man struggles to free his sword from Jaime’s gold hand, Jaime guts him with his left hand. Boom! I think Jaime just learned a new trick! Plus he got in the one kill that he promised Bronn.
Paula: Can you eat a poisonous snake?! Also, I wonder how they shave? Jaime has perfect stubble. He’s sooo sexy. Holy fuckamoli. Someone should warn me before they start killing! I didn’t have time to cover my eyes! Could Jaime be any sexier? He’s so badass. What’s his hand made of? I thought gold. Is it iron? Surely they would give him gold. It looks really heavy.
Candi: Ohh Jaime. Now I’ll make an exception for him. Brother, cousin. Whatevs. OMG they killed that poor horse!!!! Excellent fight scene!!! Jaime knows how to use his big sword!!
Tarah: HE GOT THE HORSE!!!!!!!!!! That fucker. The horse is innocent. What the fuck. Everyone is pissing me off!!!!!!
Finally! We meet three of the Sand Snakes: Obara, Nymeria, and Tyene. Ellaria has come to tell them that they will need to avenge their father, Prince Oberyn, on their own because Prince Doran has no desire to go to war. They tell her that a Pentoshi ship captain has given them information that Jaime Lannister has arrived in Dorne. Said captain is currently buried up to his neck in sand and he’s gagged with creepy scorpions crawling all around him. She asks the women if they are willing to go to war. Obara tells a badass story about Oberyn teaching her to fight at a young age. Then she throws her spear right into the head of the ship captain! She said she made her choice long ago. Bottom line? These women don’t play, you guys.
Paula: Her shoes are curled up on the ends like a genie. Wonder if Jaime will fall in love with one of them? And Omg. Seriously getting pissed at not having time to cover my eyes.
Candi: OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!!! WTF!!! The head!!! And scorpions!!!!! And holy fuck.
Tarah: Finally! Meeeeee!!!!
My name is Nymeria, and I’m a badass.
Meanwhile, Jorah and Tyrion are still at sea and Tyrion is still gagged. He’s humming loudly and driving Jorah nuts so he finally removes the gag. Glad to see all the wine and kidnapping haven’t dulled Tyrion’s wits. He quickly deduces that his captor is Jorah Mormont after Jorah advises him they are not going to Cersei but to Daenerys Targaryen, the only queen he serves. Tyrion cackles that it was a waste of a good kidnapping because he was headed to see Dany all along. Jorah questions what he could possibly want with the Khaleesi and Tyrion tells him he’s motivated by gold, glory, and hate, of course. Tyrion mocks Jorah for spying on Dany and tells him she’s more likely to execute Jorah than him. Jorah doesn’t appreciate the commentary and backhands the shit out of Tyrion. Ouch!
Candi: This poor little guy. Somebody just kill him already.
Speaking of the Khaleesi, she and Ser Barristan Selmy are having a much-needed lighthearted moment while he regales her with stories of her brother, Prince Rhaegar. It turns out the handsome prince loved to sing and would serenade the people in the Red Keep. He told her that sometimes he’d sing for money and give the money he earned to the orphanage. He paints a much different picture of a man believed to have kidnapped and raped Lyanna Stark. Hm. Daario interrupts their story time and advises that Hizdahr zo Loraq is there to see the queen. He’s the same guy that’s been up her ass about opening the fighting pits, but Dany is determined as ever to keep them closed.
On the streets of Meereen, the Sons of the Harpy are on the move again. They start murdering Dany’s soldiers in the whorehouses. I’m telling you, this is not a good week for the whores! The Unsullied are there to stop them, but that damn prostitute we saw in episode one leads them into a trap. I wonder how much these Harpy dudes are paying this chick? The Unsullied are grossly outnumbered but they fight valiantly. One fighter in particular is kicking ass and we see it’s Grey Worm. Oh no! Don’t let anything happen to Grey Worm! Eventually it’s down to Grey Worm and several Harpy dudes. He’s still putting up a good fight but it’s not looking good when Ser Barristan Selmy shows up and starts taking these Harpy guys out. Watching Selmy fight is pretty epic. We can see how he had such an acclaimed reputation as a Knight of the King’s Guard. He makes a crucial move to save Grey Worm and oh my god it looks like it cost him his life! The show ends with both Barristan and Grey Worm on the ground. Holy shit!
Paula: Covered my eyes for nothing there. I was sure those gold mask people were going to kill someone.
OMFG. As soon as I unpaused they slit a throat! DID NOT HAVE TIME TO COVER MY EYES. I just sat here for 5 minutes with my eyes covered listening to grunts and groans and dying. I just peeked and if they kill that old guy I am going to cry.
I AM SO UPSET RIGHT NOW. THEY KILLED HIM. I CAN’T WATCH THIS SHOW. I GET ATTACHED AND THEY DIE. WHERE THE HELL ARE THE DRAGONS? *cries and cries and cries*
Candi: These masked people are scary as fuck!! I will have nightmares tonight.
Omg the old guy!!!! Noooooooooo!!! Them bastards killed him!!! And that other guy that I don’t know the name of!!!!! What. A. Fucking. Ending.
Tarah: Everyone is killing everyone tonight. Damn. Oh, Snapple. Sons of the Harpy. Oh no!! Not Grey Worm!!!!!!
The credits roll, and I am in shock.
Paula: I’m not joking, I’m seriously upset over this. Oh! I hope those dragons take revenge next week.
Candi: My heart is racing. Again. I’d like to point out the lack of sex this episode. It was nothing but teases. A quick glimpse that had you going “OMG finally!!!” And then bam. And then another tease. WTF GoT!!! Not cool. Not cool at all.
Tarah: Tonight is intense. And bloody. *gag* That’s where it ends?! I’m always pissed. Le sigh.
Biggest As If: When Melisandre tries to seduce Jon. AS IF!
Biggest Fist Pump: When Jaime uses his gold hand to grab that sword. It was awesome!
Best Hair: This week I gotta give it to the Sand Snakes. I like their style.
It was an honorable death. I went out smiling.
Kayti: Srsly Cersei
They see me ruliiiiiin, they hatiiiiin. I’m bouts to start a Westerosi Crusade. Damn it, I am at my hottest when I am plotty. A plotty hottie. Gods, but I miss the taste of wine.
BUT SEE I CAN STOP ANY TIME I WANT. Although- maybe just a nip- or a flagon- after watching Lancel get his head carved up. But hey! Looks like my engagement’s off! BOOM BITCHES. And by bitches, I basically only mean Margaery, but obvs.
And awwww, my child-groom son isn’t getting laid. So sad. Looks like Channel 5 is out a headline story this week.
Oh, and typically I could kind of care less about anyone besides myself. But. “I expect I’ll be a married woman by the time you return,” was fucking SOLID work by Snivelling Sansa. I may need to rethink my nickname there.
Anywhoozles, I’m basically falling for Jaime all over again because look who’s all regal and bossy just like I likes em, eh?
PS Fuck the Sand Snakes, amirite?!?!
PPS Tyrion LITERALLY never STFU can someone just feed HIM to the Snakes? And Ser Friendzone seems a bit desperate for a blonde lay. Which I am. Which he is. I DO prefer a man that looks like me…
Mel: Ygritte Knows Everything
*All graphics used are in fun. They do not belong to us, but to the powers that be at HBO and Game of Thrones. No copyright infringement intended.